I remember the first person that I tell my problem to.. It was 2th of January when I get back to Sandakan. Things starts hitting me one by one just as I arrived home. Since I got no one to talk to, and since I was texting to a friend, I blurted out everything that was going on. Guess how S'he responds... It broked my heart... Its like S'he doesn't even care! S'he just continued S'hi's so called interesting and nonsense stories(S'he think) like I was saying nothing!
Its so hard when you got no one to turn to when things hit you all at once. The person you hoped would care and the person whom you hoped will soothe you when things get rough turned their back just as you're about to fall.
Now, when I looked in the mirror, I can see the girl in it saying to me "you're pathetic..". I started to hate my self. I care for these people so much.. I help them.. I'm always there when things get rough(I think) but them in return, won't even lend me a second and a pair of ears to just to listen to me! That's what I need! Someone to listen to me and someone who'll understand! I might be somebody, but its still a pity to know that I am nobody in anybody's heart.
I know... just who am I right? But did I ever counted all the pains they caused to me? No! I just kept it all in me. Everything is inside me and I got no one to share my 'pain' with. Maybe I did, but maybe I just don't trust them. Or maybe I had shared it but they just doesn't seem to care. I listen to them, I think for them.. I tried to help solving their issues... But why? Why can't just any of them... Just one... Willing to do the same for me?
But without knowing it, someone does care. Someone is watching but I never realized it. Never even thought that there are still few's(who remember) who read my blog. Thanks though.. You read it... Then you are listening...
A friend that I walked with from school today suddenly said to me, "In class before, I saw pain behind your smile.. are you okay?"(summarized). Aww.. isn't that the sweetest thing? When even my bestfriend who was sitting beside me didn't notice, someone did saw it from across the room! I asked her, "how did you know what I was thinking?"... She said, "you told me yesterday about this and that... I understand..". What a miracle! I Praise the Lord for letting me know that there are people who still care and watching me..Amen.
But yet... I'm tired... Not tired of all the homework's or activities, but tired of the battles inside me. I don't know when will it stop but the truth is... I'm tired... Just tired...
("S'he" is a code I used to hide the person's genre.)
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