The battle in my heart

Well.... I have a weird fish who stays under a weird stone inside a weird aquarium on the weird cupboard in a weird house. LOL. Just talking crap. Hehe.

Yepps... just by the image, depressed again. Duhh... what a life. In the outside, I smile and laugh but somewhere deep inside, I'm crying. I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of my self, and somehow, I'm tired of being hurt.

"Everyday, I do my best to ignore what I'm feeling. At first, I get along with it perfectly. I can lie about all that I'm feeling smoothly and confidently until I myself also believe that what I'm saying is actually true. Not until you appears in my dreams every time I sleep. At first, I thought it was just nothing. Just dreams. But it happened continually just every time I sleep whether it is during nighttime or daytime. I started to wondered, "What could it actually means?". But still, I ignore it. I tried so bad to ignore every possible thing that could make me think that I fall in love with you. I do and say and listen to any advice that tells me that I am not in love. Not with you! I thought it would help. But as time goes by, it seems like I can't hold it anymore. The only thing that keep rearing in my mind is that, "You're lying to yourself". It seems like everything wants me to admit it. But yet, I still keep fighting that its not true! I am not in love! I'm just confused. That's all... I can't be one of those girls who can easily fall for charm. But yet, I know, somewhere deep inside, I do. I just can't deny. I love the guy."


I remember, I was waiting for my aunt at the staircase. Usually, during times like this, I would take this chance to pray. I prayed and confess to God all that I'm feeling, my wish and glorify His work. Then, an hour passed by, my aunt is still not there. I'm out of prayers. So I decided, to sat around and think about everything. What bothers me... and the dilemma goes around a lot like this.. 


"competitions that I'm about to participate... hmm... him. Urghh... My studies... my physics... chemists.... him. Aik?? Okay.. okay... I miss my family.. I miss my old friends.. I miss.. him. Eh, eh, no, no, no...! Aishh... where the heck is my aunt?? (Imagining my aunt queuing to get into the bus) Hmm... she'll be here soon. She's probably... him."

It seems like every thought would eventually leads to him. No matter what I do he would suddenly popped out of my brain. Its like a virus! Even as I'm doing my homework, thinking critically how to solve the problems, he would suddenly popped out of my brain somewhere in the middle of my calculation. Even with a blank expression, and looked as it seems like I'm focusing with all my strength, actually, deep in me, I'm battling with my self. And when I finally couldn't stand it, I'll stop and cover my face with my hands. I wanna cry but no tears wanna come out! It hurts... it hurts a lot.

But, there is no time left to regret! I just have to hold on. Maybe this time, I'll truly understands the meaning of sacrifice. My theme for this year. 

Words of strength

You are perfect just the way you are.

This isn't to say that you are finished,

only that you are well on your way.

Yet, for this time, this place, wherever you may be in life

you are still perfect, every step of the way.

The Four#3: Beverly

Click.... click.... 


Hmm... what a boring night... "....and every night was the worst night ever..." said the Simple Plan. I arranged my headset, its been hours I sit in front of my lap top doing useless crap.

I look at my bookmarks. I click,  blogger dashboard... stats... overview.... Impressive... I thought. I click the new post button.

5 minutes passed and I found my self still staring at the monitor. Blank. Hmm.... what topic?


My eyes eyeing the tabs... facebook... facebook? Duh... what a boring place. But I found my self clicking the tab. Notifications, 7... online chats, 81. I click the notifications, Jessie also commented on Lily's... Andy like you photo... Jenny poked you... and the others were game requests. I click the online chats friends. No one was online on the special friends list. Duh.... what should I do next?

I found my self scrolling down dozens lists of unknowns. They've been my friends in here for so long but none of them I really know. What a waste... I thought to myself.

Andy...
Emmet...
Genevi...
....
....
....


None of them were really my friends.

Jason...
Jazzezie...
Kem Siput...
Kent...


Hmm.... Kent? Sounds familiar. Where did I hear that name? Something random? No, not really... It comes from something kinda important.. What? From who did I heard that name? Think Bev... Think!

I look at his picture, its a picture of cat playing an electric guitar. Soon, I'm already at his profile. Digging deeper... I look at the pictures. Eyeing the peoples.. unknown... I thought. I look at his statuses, reading the comments. Some comments were from the unknowns but some were my classmates. They seem to be pretty close with the guy. Somehow.... I don't know who he is!

I lay my back. Resting... with a frown. Where did I hear his name? I look at his picture, trying to recall on what occasion could I've met this guy. Who could have been there. Hmm...

Suddenly, a flash came to my mind. The clearest in my memory was Varrelene. We were all laughing. We're teasing someone. I remember Varrelene saying, "Oops, lets not tease her, we might get killed by daddy Kent.. hahaha!!". We were all so happy.


Okay, I'm almost there... Think harder... who are we teasing?

Then, another flash, a notebook. I found the notebook inside someone's drawer. I opened it and saw a family chart. And bang! There it is, Kent was in the chart and his partner was Clare! When Clare saw me, she quickly grabbed the notebook. But she was late. I get to read everything she writes on every corner. I started teasing her and Varrelene saw what was happening. I told Varrelene that Clare got secret inside the notebook she's holding and we both started to chase her. I told Varrelene what I read anyway and we all started to joke around happily. Clare wasn't really offended, just blushed. Days after that, we tried to make Clare to admit that she loves the guy and finally she did. But that was two years ago.

I smiled... Hah... good times..


I click his name on the list and type, "Hi...".

He replied, "Hey there... :)"

"wassup?"

We chat for minutes and I finally said.

"Do you happen to know Clare?"


"Yeah... I know the girl. Why?"


I went on telling him what happened two years ago. He seemed cool. Who cares anyway? that was two years ago... I thought.

I checked the online lists again. Clare!


I quickly clicked her name.

"Hey, I just chatted with Kent and I mention you!"


I waited.... No response... I add again.

"Hello???? Anybody there?"


Still.. No response.

"Geez... where r u?", "Testing.....", "1", "2", "3...."


I look at her signal. Still green. Hmm... what's wrong with her? Is she mad??.. Finally, I said

"Okay, you're not there so we talked about this tomorrow K..." , "Goodnight and have a beautiful nightmare!".


I 'X' Clare's chatbox and click the lists again. Sherlyn was online. Its such a boring night. Hmm... arh... just share lah about Vin Diesel to her. I greet her and share a link to Vin's page. Though she doesn't seem to care but so what? It's not a pain trying to share anyway wasn't it? 5 minutes after that I go offline.

Sleep time....

*********************************

Shit... where the heck is the bus?


Though its still 6.15 am, I'm already worried. At this hour, most buses would be full and I hate it. As I wait, my minds rear...

What's wrong with Clare last night? She never act that way to me before. Was she mad? Why? What did I do? I tried to recall my conversation with Kent last night. It was nothing so why the heck would someone get mad about it? Did I intrude her privacy? But that was two years ago! LOL.. She's crazy if she does. And Sherlyn? She didn't reply me either. Shit, was everyone was having a bad day? Hey, I'm having a bad day either and didn't ignore anybody. What's wrong with them? I remembered the text message I received last night. It was an unknown number. I almost breakdown when I read them but I managed to control myself. It says---

'Tititt!! titiitt!!!"

My thought end there. Here comes the bus....




********************************


Who the heck leave rubbish on my table! Ughh!


"Hi Bev...." I look up, Sally was there.

"Morning Sal.." and I smiled.

Then Sherlyn came. "Hey Bev... I'm late."

"Yeah, I can see that.. why?"

She went on explaining what happened. I saw Clare, she's late too.

"Kringggg!!" The bell rings.

Clare give a sly smile when I smiled to her. Hmm... that's cold.. She went out immediately after she drop her bag on her seat. I waited for Sherlyn and we went to the hall together.

As we walked, I asked her about the link I gave her last night and went on telling story about Vin. Obviously, she really wasn't interested. Clare was walking in front of me, I really need to talk to her. Now!

I run towards her. I put my arms on her shoulder and give her a warm greetings.

"Happy Monday Clare.. Where were you last night?"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry that I didn't get to reply you last night. I was sneaking cause I want to send a message to Leela." She said.

"Oh really? What message?"

"Just a message." She smiled to me.

"Okay... private I see. Hey, are you mad at me?"

"Huh? about what?"

"Last night......


To be continued........


Previously...
The Four#1: Clare's point of view
The Four#2: Sherlyn's point of view

This story was a total made up so don't freak out okay :)