False Hopes

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't do nothing but daydreaming the whole time? You've got a lot to do and things to take care of but you seem can't think! All you want to do is dream... dream away your life and escape from reality. There's just so much you wish you could have and it all seems so real but yet, far away.

I'm sure, everyone have been there. Especially those who are in love. Moreover those who are in love but  their lovers was out of reach. It's a pain to accept the reality so why don't create your own world and dwell in?

But yet, do you know that it is not healthy to daydreaming? Well, I'm not a PhD's nor am I an approved counselor, but just by common sense, I strongly believe that daydreaming isn't good at all. To dream in ambitious term would be another story but creating fantasy? I don't think it would bring any good.

Why?


Well... I talk based on experience and I found that, daydreaming gave me headache because it cause me to think too much. For example, I'm in love with someone and I started to imagine wonderful things when being with the person. It felt all wonderful... Then snap! You realize that it was just dreams. Then, you started to think.... "I wish that was real.... No that's impossible! But what if~". Soon, another thought leads to another thought and then another. Then you started to behaving weirdly especially to that person you've been dreaming of. And that's because you've been thinking too much! You're ashamed of your own thoughts and you can't get away with it! Just a little gesture by that person caused a million things running through your mind. Instead of getting closer with the person, you blew your friendship away.

Do you realize that after daydreaming, it's such a pain when you get to the world and realize that it was all not true? Being a daydreamer for quiet a while, I found that the effect are this,

I think too much, 

I started to hate my life because it felt sucks, 


I blew my friendship with the person, 


and I started to wish! 

I hate to wish! It often cause me to have false hopes!
Do you know what I mean by false hopes? False hopes are things that you wish too bad to come true and believe it is but then it was just a dream. I hate it. It makes me feel desperate and stupid and hopeless which I know I'm not. I'm stronger than that.

That's why, I finally decided to stop. I want to live in reality. In fact its not that bad actually. I wanted to use good sense in life and be logic and rational where I used to be. It's stupid to dream things that are not there. Truth is, nothings gonna happen without a move. If you got no effort other than dreaming, then don't dare to hope or you'll crushed yourself.

I'm not crushed yet. But I realized it fast before it happens. Thanks to God that He blessed me. I found that there's no point in dreaming and hope. Hope only meant something if you hope in God but in worldly things, sorry. No effort and you ain't gonna get anything. Why wastes time? You only got to live once and what had passed can't be taken back. Appreciate each moment you have and live it!

Words of strength

Be unashamed of who you are, 

where you're been, and what you do today.

You are a divine gift to this world.

Wherever you've been, someone else

has also been there. Hold your head up high

and be who you are today.

Self-esteem

Left: Beverly, Joana

Requested by Honoria Via C-Box at the side of this blog. You can request too. Just hit the comment space or the black C-Box on the right hand side of this blog and I'll do my best to fulfill your request.


"Self is described as the latter statement not only describes the self, as the individual identifies himself/herself, but evaluates the self by putting worthiness on it...... Self esteem is both defined as descriptive and evaluative self-related statements..." ---- As it was described by the Wikipedia. The point is, self-esteem is what you see in yourself and how you evaluate yourself with what you see. Since everyone have different way of thinking, it means everyone evaluate themselves differently. It can be either positive or the other way round. It's what you believe about yourself.

Do you know that self-esteem has a big impact on how the person is behaving and performing? Successful people usually have a very high self-esteem. A positive self-esteem may cause certain people to behave confident and very competitive. While those who have a very low self-esteem tend to fail in most of things. This is due to the lack of trust and confidence in oneself. Low self'esteem may be due to factors such as life experience. How people view us and say about us affect a lot of how we may evaluate ourselves.

It can be illustrated like this, Kyra looked into the mirror as her mind wanders.."Gee... I'm so skinny! I'm gonna look funny with shorts and spaghetti. I can never be like Sasha... She's so pretty and perfect! And me? Everyone hates me. No boys gonna want me..."


While Sasha was also looking into the mirror and thought... "Oh my... Look at those hips. I looked like a big mama! Hmm... Kyra was lucky to have that model like body. But its okay... at least I still can fit in those jeans.. I'm not that fat anyway."


Sasha may be a bit jealous of Kyra but she has a positive input into her thought. She's confident and accept herself. Instead of looking at her flaw, she looked for what's positive in her and strive for it to bring out the best in her.

And for Kyra, she has a negative remarks on herself.This cause her to didn't socialize much and refused to be in any competition while Sasha, she wants to be in every competition to prove that she is something and that there's more to her than her little flaw.

What people say about us affect most of our self esteem. But, instead of saying.."He/she's right..." say, "Oh really? I'll prove to you that its not true." Sometimes, it is kinda hard to take. Especially when they are talking about our appearance. But you can always make it right or if it can't be fixed, accept it. Nobody's perfect anyway so why bother to be one? You're only adding a pain to yourself and resist yourself from enjoying life.

Here's a few of my technique (which you can use if you want) to overcome bad remarks that people hit me...

1st.... I'll listen to them carefully. Ask them what makes them think so and try to fix it. Though its hurting, just listen and accept.!

2nd... I'll laugh with them and just add their jokes and be a little sarcastic to tell them that you know and you hate them talking about it. For example, they said.."Bev...you're so skinny! Like a skewer!! I bet the next time the wind blows, you're gonna soar with the wind.. hahaahah!" ~Ouch... It's a joke and don't kill the joy. Instead of giving them a sour face, I'll just say, "hahahahah! I know! And, I don't need you to tell me that again.LOL!"

3rd... When they give me a downer remarks like for example, they said, "You are so stupid! You don't belong in here!" or..."Okay, your voice sucks. I don't think you can sing Bev." ~Ouchhh. But don't fight back! Just keep quiet but say this in your heart..."Okay... I may be not good right now, but you'll see. I'll make you suck back those words." But don't forget to make sure you made what you says come true.

Before I end this, I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes by Paris Hilton, "What people saw in you is 80% what you saw in yourself". Therefore, value yourself. Instead of saying..."I'm worthless and bla... bla..." say, "I'm AMAZING!" and hold on to those words.



Any additional facts or opinions?..Just proudly hit the comment space. No one's gonna bite. :)


For more Information.... Go to Teens health.

Left: Joana, Beverly

The beauty of silence

"You're weird you know... You seemed to be so attracted to dark things... You love creepy, weird, scary, dark and haunted things." ------That's what they say. Well, I do. I just love things that most people are scared of. In fact, I hate things that most people love. Like, for example, Justin Bieber, Twilight, and whatever it is that is trending. Sorry for that though. When everyone seemed to love one thing, I feel like there's no space for me.

Okay, enough with it. Hmm... funny, when you wanna cry, but not a single tears wants to drop. Trust me, it hurts to cry silently behind the sweetest smile you could afford. I'd rather screamed to the heaviest tears I could give out than being this way. Unsure, puzzled, pretending, believing, discouraged, trusting, caring, ignored, lying, worrying, holding back and everything! I wonder am I the only one? It's funny that things like this cannot be shared. Not even to your closest one.

"It's stupid that I had chose to carry this load", my rational mind told me. But, I guess, this is my cross. It's funny that what burdens me is not my problem but actually its others. I guess that's what God is trying to teach me. What it's like to carry the cross. Like really carrying it wholeheartedly. Love is the fuel in this journey. And its not really a roller coaster journey. You think its that easy to make sacrifice? That's my theme for this year though. Nope, it's not. It's full of hurts, rejection, and bruises everywhere. But it doesn't feat with what Jesus had done to us of course. And I'm glad that I get what God is trying to teach me earlier. I don't hate this all of course. Though its hurting, but its beautiful. Those who never tried to understand will never see the beauty of it. The world saw it as crazy but God, He knows it all. He knows the mean of your heart and is always ready for you whenever you need Him. "Ask.. and ye shall receive..." , He promised.

Anyway, my mum called me vampire for some reason... Not because I like vampire...No no.. My elder sister called me weird... My brother called me crazy... All because I like scary things. I love to stay in the dark. Curtains closed, silence... Just me, myself and I. Why am I like this? Well... I love to seek solitaire on certain times. It doesn't really mean I hate being with people, I do love to socialize a lot, but, there are time where I don't wanna be disturbed at all. Not even with the sound of music. The feelings of just you yourself... staring blankly into space.. and you let your thoughts take you wherever it wants until you drift away... Getting lighter and lighter and finally sleep.... The best feeling.

I remember once when I walk at dawn, in the dark.. alone, listening to piano tracks... walking slowly... watching the stars... And felt the cool breeze against my skin. Hmm.... How I love to stay forever like that. There are times where I wish I could just vanish into space... I feel like I wanna leave the world the moment I have the chance to. But then, I need to get back home before any soul starts to get worried. I always get people worried. Then, get back to the mad world I'm in.

Words of strength

Fear no one except the Lord Himself.

Serve His mission faithfully with all your being.

Open your eyes to all that is good.

It surrounds you.

Be gracious of your appreciation of these gifts.

What a beautiful world in which you live!

The battle in my heart

Well.... I have a weird fish who stays under a weird stone inside a weird aquarium on the weird cupboard in a weird house. LOL. Just talking crap. Hehe.

Yepps... just by the image, depressed again. Duhh... what a life. In the outside, I smile and laugh but somewhere deep inside, I'm crying. I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of my self, and somehow, I'm tired of being hurt.

"Everyday, I do my best to ignore what I'm feeling. At first, I get along with it perfectly. I can lie about all that I'm feeling smoothly and confidently until I myself also believe that what I'm saying is actually true. Not until you appears in my dreams every time I sleep. At first, I thought it was just nothing. Just dreams. But it happened continually just every time I sleep whether it is during nighttime or daytime. I started to wondered, "What could it actually means?". But still, I ignore it. I tried so bad to ignore every possible thing that could make me think that I fall in love with you. I do and say and listen to any advice that tells me that I am not in love. Not with you! I thought it would help. But as time goes by, it seems like I can't hold it anymore. The only thing that keep rearing in my mind is that, "You're lying to yourself". It seems like everything wants me to admit it. But yet, I still keep fighting that its not true! I am not in love! I'm just confused. That's all... I can't be one of those girls who can easily fall for charm. But yet, I know, somewhere deep inside, I do. I just can't deny. I love the guy."


I remember, I was waiting for my aunt at the staircase. Usually, during times like this, I would take this chance to pray. I prayed and confess to God all that I'm feeling, my wish and glorify His work. Then, an hour passed by, my aunt is still not there. I'm out of prayers. So I decided, to sat around and think about everything. What bothers me... and the dilemma goes around a lot like this.. 


"competitions that I'm about to participate... hmm... him. Urghh... My studies... my physics... chemists.... him. Aik?? Okay.. okay... I miss my family.. I miss my old friends.. I miss.. him. Eh, eh, no, no, no...! Aishh... where the heck is my aunt?? (Imagining my aunt queuing to get into the bus) Hmm... she'll be here soon. She's probably... him."

It seems like every thought would eventually leads to him. No matter what I do he would suddenly popped out of my brain. Its like a virus! Even as I'm doing my homework, thinking critically how to solve the problems, he would suddenly popped out of my brain somewhere in the middle of my calculation. Even with a blank expression, and looked as it seems like I'm focusing with all my strength, actually, deep in me, I'm battling with my self. And when I finally couldn't stand it, I'll stop and cover my face with my hands. I wanna cry but no tears wanna come out! It hurts... it hurts a lot.

But, there is no time left to regret! I just have to hold on. Maybe this time, I'll truly understands the meaning of sacrifice. My theme for this year. 

Words of strength

You are perfect just the way you are.

This isn't to say that you are finished,

only that you are well on your way.

Yet, for this time, this place, wherever you may be in life

you are still perfect, every step of the way.

Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

Thank You (Cover~Dedication For My Special One)

I know I'm not that talented to show off to the world, but I have shown a lot of pictures, and crappy videos of me. But I forgot, to give glory back to HIM who had created me the way I am. I might be not that much, but at least, I'm capable of a lot of things. Thanks to HIM. My success and what I have, I wouldn't have it all if it weren't because of Him. Truthfully, I am nothing without JESUS. I am empty and useless and hopeless without HIM. He saved me in many ways and give me a lot more than I needed. I ask for one, He give me ten. His help always come just in time. I couldn't count of how many miracles He had done for me. He died for me on the cross. But He was risen on the third day because He was the Messiah. I know and I believed that He is the true and living God. I'm not saying this simply by lips, but by truth and I've been through many unexplained experiences with Him. Step by step, He guide me and thought me. He raised me up when I'm down, and He never failed me. So, with all my heart, I sing to HIM...

"There is no one like YOU

There is no ONE like YOU God

All my hope is in YOU

Jesus.. Jesus.."

-Have a Blessed Good Friday-

Words of strength

Hope will turn the cold into warmth

Your weakness into strength

And your sadness into joy

Life

"Life is full of ups and downs
And life ain't always what it sounds
Just when you think you got it down
The moment you realize
You've just lost ground

Life ain't always what it seems
And ain't always what you hoped
And dreamed
And some people you met
They can kill your dreams
I don't understand why
They are so mean?

That's why sometimes
I play my guitar
And just sing away
And play away
Until my problems
Come tumbling down

Life ain't perfect
But it is still worth it
Don't throw your life away
It'll be a better day
And everyday I pray
And I got to say
That life is just so beautiful today

Life is full of
The good and the bad
And sometimes
It'll make you go mad
And you don't understand
Why it happened
Or things happen
The way they do
It's alright if you don't know
Trust God
It'll work out

And sometimes
I just wanna scream
It's alright to shout your claim
And let the world know 
What's your name

When our dreams
Is starting to sink
Like the Titanic
Don't panic
You can't stand it
But He'll stand it..."


-Put God First-

I fall in love with this song

I'm tired

"I'm tired of crying

I'm of tired yelling

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of remembering

I'm tired of missing things

I'm tired of being different 

I'm tired of missing people

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have

But most of all, I'm tired of being tired...."

Why we must take care of our health

Greetings planet! I didn't use good day for it was a bad day for me. I didn't go to school today because my health is getting worse. And when I say worse it means real worse! worse like I would throw up with only just one cough! I really don't want to miss school because today's subject were all very important ones and real hard too. I don't wanna be left-out!

Anyway, back to the topic. First, let me tell you what push me to post this. I'm one of those kind of people who didn't put health as their priority in lives. I'm a workaholic. When it gets to work, the only thing that's on my mind is that, "Oh.. I have to finish this!". It doesn't matter what time I have my meal and sleep. But not a full time actually. I'm a kind of lazy person too. I'm More like the kind who just don't like to sit tight or lay all day unless I got no other options. If can, in every second of my life, I want to do something. May it be, hanging out, watching movies, talking, anything as long I'm not doing nothing.

The good thing about me is that, you can bring me to enjoy any kinds of activities. May it be outdoor activities(rough one) or indoor activities. The bad thing is, I will do it all without really considering my body stats. For example, you bring me to hike somewhere and I feel very tired for I just got home, yet, I would still follow you. Or maybe I was sick, I don't care cause my motto is, 'As long as I can stand, lets rock it!'. The only thing that matters is my will. When I want it to be that way, I'll work it to the limit to be the way I want it to be. When I say that I will finish all my homework within one day! Wooh... we got so many homework I tell you. Soooo many!!!! Too many that it would take more than 8 hours for one day homework to finish. So when you decided to finish it all, sometimes you will not sleep until the next morning and start off for school. Without sleep! Let me tell you my routine, usually, during school days, first thing I do is, I go to school. Then after school, often I got another activities, appointments, practice, or meeting. I would be home late nearly everyday. Then, I would always have something to do at home. After that, I'll start doing my homework until 3 a.m or more and sleep for like 2 hours or less. And the cycle goes on and on. I'm not complaining. I don't care cause I enjoy it all. But the thing is, my meal is not in order and my sleep cycle is abnormal. Though it's not a trouble for me to sleep for 3 to 2 hours everyday because I'm used to it I think but everyone can tell without a book that it's not healthy at all! And I'm sure that most of teenagers life nowadays are like this. Moreover the adults! Right?

At first, its okay to me and it never really even matters because my thought is, 'If I got sick, there's always the Hospital..:)'. The last hope. Not until today when I started to realize of how important it really is to take care of our body. My sickness start off with sneezing non stop and it happened last week. Soon, flu came in followed by fever. A weird one because the fever come and go. And this what makes it worse, when a flu hit, asthma would eventually follow up. Yet, through all this sicknesses, I still do all my routines as usual. Finally, last Saturday, I decided to go to a local Clinic because that morning, my mucus got blood. Plus, it's hard for me to breath! Well, here comes the asthma!!! (=.=") Anyway, usually, after drinking their medicine, I would started to get well but this time, it doesn't. At first, I think that maybe the medicine works slowly this time. I would be okay after I go to sleep. But apparently, I was wrong! On Sunday, I decided to be a cow, the most laziest person in the planet. It was under many people's advice's. They say that I need a lot of rest. This time, I decided to listen to their advice's. Fine, I'll sleep all day! But yesterday evening, when I woke up at 5.30 p.m I feel so breathless! My chest felt so tight! I lay down, trying to control my breath. Trying hard to relax. Soon, I felt choked up! My vision was starting to went black. I swear I'm dead by now if don't decide to do something. I don't know why my spirit felt so weak that time. Not the usual me. I think that I just wanna give in. I'd die.... suddenly! And luckily, my phone rang. It was a text message. Then my spirit started to raise. I remember all my beloved friends and families, I remember all that I'm yet to achieved. I gather all my strength and grabbed my cellphone and reply the text. I get up, drink some milo with bread and read an article that a dear friend of mine slipped under the door. But yet, I can't breath properly! Even as I read, my vision would sometimes went black. After I read it all, I lay back on my bed. Closing my eyes... I'm choked... I didn't breath... I think I'd die... Things started to went black... But I decided that I'm gonna do something! I get up, and decided to go to the Hospital, for good. I hate Hospital. I'm glad it's there but I don't like it. To me, Hospital is when you are going to die. When I arrived, I go straight to the emergency section and they quickly put up the oxygen on me. Great.... Now I do looked like I'm gonna die! After that, the Doctor checked me, weird.. no effect. Then he decided to put me to the oxygen again. 2nd round and no effect! Then, he inject something into my nerves and waited for 30 minutes then put me with the oxygen again and still, no effect at all ! That's how worse I was. Then the Doctor decided to run me into some tests and a nurse x-ray'ed me. Mysteriously, my lungs were all fine except for my backbones. Well, I don't wanna talk about it. My backbones are fine, but there's just something.

Anyway, why we must take of our health?


Well... firstly because we got only one body!
Unlike machine, once its broken down, we can still fix it. But our body? Once its broken down, then you're screwed for life!

Secondly, it affect the people around us...
Have you ever wondered of how much people around you loved you? Well... you might not realized it but its true! Especially your family. More over, when you got sick, it will burdened your family, physically, emotionally, and of course, financially. Just one you, could affect hundreds of people, can you believe that? You might don't care about yourself, like me. I'm not really scared to die so I guess that's why I don't really care about my health. But last night, I was touched by some of my friends and family members. How they are willing to come to the Hospital to see me no matter how far. How they are willing to not to sleep to take care of me. Some were dead worried. I don't know whether they are really worried and care or just acting worried and caring..:P But for sure, I'm sure they're sincere. 'Cause well, I don't have anything to give them other than my love. That's why, no matter how dying I feel, as long as I can smile and laugh, I'd do it for them. I felt real guilty when people are worried about me. Sometimes I'd say, "Why are you so worried? I'm not gonna die! LOL!" and then people would start slapping my mouth. last night, the Doctors said, "Please leave your phone, you'll need to rest." I said, "NO, I can't. I have to tell them that I'm fine. By the way, I am fine." and smiled. The Doctor said, "And you still can smile? Aren't you worried? Don't you see how worse you are right now?". I said, "Well, let my physical be sick, but not my soul. After all, I still can stand aren't I? And that means I'm still not gonna die tonight. So I don't want anyone to did not sleep tonight and fuse over me. Anyway, I trust in you Doctor." and smiled.

But aren't you feel bad when 10 people can't sleep just because of 1 you? Especially to parents out there! No matter how hard you worked for the family, please look after your health. Money would lose, yes, but they can be regained. But you? Once they lose you, then there can never be you again.

Word of strength

Sometimes, life takes you on a detour.

Use these times to see things you would have missed

had you remained on your planned route.

You may find it to be among the best

parts of your journey.

What is the purpose of life?

Recently, I've been wondering, what is the purpose of life? Is it merely to just to enjoy everything? To be successful and well known to the entire face of the earth? Some say "To Live Is to Love". Really? Is it all about love?

Everyone has a vary perspective on life. Some agree with that and some argue with this. That's human... sometimes even the simplest thing in the world could cause issues just because the differences of perspectives. Why did this happen? It happen because we all wanted to be listened not listening. Once, people invent the motto, "Voice out" to encourage people to speak their ideas. But the mistake is, when everyone is speaking, then who will listen?

Okay, get back to the topic, what is the purpose of life? We all understands that life has to be meaningful. Something that couldn't be wasted and something that only can we have once. It's something that couldn't be revised.

I'd like to believe that, human is the most lucky living creature in the entire universe. Why? Because, only human was given a chance by God to choose. To think on their own and to make decisions. Jesus died on the cross for human sins not cat's sins. Human is the only creature that is given a chance to repent. We sinned a lot of times but still be forgiven when we repent. How lucky we are?

I believe that we live to learn something. There's something from within that we are yet to learn. Something meaningful. I also believe that it's different for each person. I imagined life as an exam or a treasure hunt where we, human, are searching here and there, up and down for the light of the truth. Some succeed, some stumbled in the middle. It's a dark maze, messy, twisty, and rough. Some succeed and win the battle because of faith while the others fail themselves.

I still think that I'm lost. But I already got someone walking beside me telling me where I should go and that person is Jesus. "have faith in Him and you shall find the way.."

Texting versus calling

Recently, I've been wondering of which one is better? Texting or calling? I never thought of it much before until I met a friend who really have trouble talking on the phone especially to girls. There's my friend, he'd been asking my number once. The first weird thing that I noticed is that, after he asked for my number he didn't call afterwards. What he do? He texted a month after he asked for my number. LOL. Usually, after we asked for a number, we would call to confirm whether we've been given the right number or not right?

Soon after that, we've been living a friendship through text messages for like the whole time. It's a another weird thing for me because I never had a textmate before who never even once tried to call me after such a long friendship through text messages. Texting is good, I like it, but for once in a while, a call sometimes is needed even for just 5 minutes in once a month. Why? To confirm that we are talking to human. LOL. A girl or a boy, everyone I had heard their voice except for this one friend. I've been waiting for his call, sometimes, I feel like calling but of course, its not appropriate for a girl to call a guy. It could be misinterpreted as something else. Anyway, after a while, I find it was comfortable talking to him about anything through text messages. I feel like he was my bestfriend until one day, when we decided to hangout, I hear his voice for the first time(over the phone). I was surprised of what a stranger he was! The tone of his voice was so far from what I thought it was supposed to be! And to tell the truth, it kinda scared me. Not soon after that, I finally asked him of why he never called? Just then I know that he don't like calling. He have trouble talking over the phone because he fear that he don't know what to say. When he told me this, I was like, "okayy..." and looked over the ceiling. LOL. Is there such things? To me that time, if you have a voice and you can speak, then why should it be such a trouble to talk over the phone? After all, its just talking. So I made a survey over my friends and made some researches and yes, there are such things. 

I always encouraged him to call his girlfriend if he really wish to reduce the awkwardness between the two of them. Living a relationship through text messages is sweet, yes, but if you live your life receiving text, then reply and so on the whole day everyday, then it's almost the same with dating a machine. You are dating the cellphone not the human. You need to hear the person's voice and if can, meet and hangout to remind you that you are with a human being not some generated robot who is emotionless. Take this illustration, reading a novel versus watching movies, which is more alive? When you read a novel, it is not really straight forward because the messages isn't really vivid though it explained everything(literally) because every person have a vary imagination. Unlike movies, everything is really vivid. The situation+sound+emotion all in one clear message.

My opinion is that, texting is important to make the relationship going while calling is important to make the relationship alive. Both needed to be balanced.

Anyway, in this post, I'd like to include 7 reasons of why text messages is better than phone call... 

1) Because you can actually think about what you’re going to say.
Hand me a telephone, and I will say something stupid into it. Hand me a telephone with someone I like on the other end, and I will say something really stupid.

With a text, you can plan, and yes, even revise.

2) Because phone calls can be painfully awkward.
Even if you have perfect elocution, a great speaking voice, and fantastic oratorical skills, factors such as poor cell-phone reception or other interruptions (another call, an ambulance driving by, a barking dog) can lead to uncomfortable interruptions. There’s nothing worse than speaking to someone on the phone for the first time and having to continually say “Wait–what? Sorry, can you hear me? Wait, hold on, walking by construction site…” over and over.

3) Because a good text message will say a lot about a person.
A perfect text message requires wit, brevity, and flirtation. A good texter is smart, sharp, and good with words. Additionally, someone who uses unnecessary text abbreviations, or, god help him, emoticons is immediately ruled out as a potential love interest.

4) Because texting can be great foreplay. 
It’s a prolonged flirtation that can span the course of the week or day leading up to a date.

5) Because there is nothing sexy about a perfunctory “let’s set up a date” call.

Sure, a phone call is “to the point”, and on a purely utilitarian level more efficient than texting when it comes to making plans. But are you really looking for “efficiency” in your dating life? You call to quickly make an appointment with your dentist, not with your date.

6) Because a text lets you write what you’re too shy to say.

Sometimes, especially during the early stages of dating, it can be hard to straight out say the things you’re feeling, especially if you’re unsure of how it will be reciprocated. A “You looked beautiful last night” or “I had an amazing time with you” the next morning is a safe (and always appreciated!) way of doing this.

7) Because a text is forever.
I usually don’t swoon at phone calls, but if I get an excellently crafted text, I will save that thing forever, and pull it up and read it again and again.

Even so, I still think that phone call is still needed. That's my opinions. What's yours?

 *copied from the date report

Anyway, I wish you all...

In advance.... cheers! :)

I'm lost... I think

Ohh... how I miss blogging! My life these days are so packed that it doesn't allows me to have a lil time even just for sleep! Huh!

I felt a lot like the illustration. Like something lost in the middle of the desert of Sahara because it wanted to. I wanted to look for a way but are too scared to get back on the path. I wasn't scared of the obstacles, but actually I fear that I can't tolerate with the people on my way. So, instead of wondering around looking for a way, I sat on a stone waiting for I don't know what. Of course, being in the desert wasn't easy. The heat... and of course it doesn't felt right to be lost especially when you know it. So now, basically I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, and what's going on! I can't define what status I'm currently in! Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I happy? or what??? When I tried to think deeply about what's actually inside of me, I found that I seem to be mad, sad, scared but somehow happy. Its a weird mixture! Am I in love? Well... maybe I'm missing someone that I couldn't reach. Its so sad to think back all the mistakes that I made. There's too much of them.

Yes, I have to be strong. Wherever I go, seeking for advice's, one would say, "Be strong girl, no ones perfect. Everyone had made mistakes. That's what makes human.". If that's what makes human, I don't know what to think. Because I know, I'm one of those people who always longed for perfection and couldn't live a day without correcting the mistakes.

What kind of mistakes? Well, it is for me to keep. Some people know it, some don't. They were scattered unto different people like pieces of puzzles. Though its been bad and rough, God is good. He still give me joy through a lot of sources. He give me strength and guidance and He never left me even just for a second!

I can, and I'm sure I know how to make things right. But yet, there's a lot of sacrifices to be made. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I am ready when I get up from that stone and start looking for a way.

A weird nightmare

Last night I had a weird dream. Eh, it wasn't last night.. hehe... it was yesterday night actually. It was pretty vivid but it wasn't a lucid dream. Anyways, it started like this...


I found myself was walking on the house compound. I looked at the house, its a wooden house. It was big like a bungalow. I looked around, the compound was breathtaking. There were flowers everywhere. Roses, orchids, tulips, all in different colors. I looked at my self, I looked slightly different. I touched my hair, they also felt different. I don't know why but all I know is that I want to water the flowers.

With a slow pace, I get to the side of the house to get a hose. I turned it on, and started watering everything. Hahh... it's what I always wanna do... I feel so peaceful inside. But there's something, I feel a bit, slightly heartbroken. Its like something was not right. I looked around, all the flowers.... the mountains... the sky... the house... what could go wrong?

It was dusk. The twilight hit the house with a wonderful and very peaceful light. I walked towards the house, all I know is that, I own that house. The weird thing is, half of me felt happy with what I've accomplished. Its like what I have now is a dream coming true. But yet, half of me felt heavy as I walked. Something's missing.

I looked up before I entered the house. I saw a man in his late thirties at the balcony. He wasn't really that handsome, but he has a figure. He wasn't muscular, not fat, just normal. It was weird, when a girl like me, 15, looking at a guy at this age, the first thought would be, he must be my uncle. But this is different, I felt a deep love with this man. A romantic kind of love. Eww? Haha... to me that time, it wasn't. But when I wake up, YES! LOL. Anyway, in me, there's something. Something that's not good. Hate? No, not really. Heartbroken? I'm not sure. He looked at me, a cold look.

I get into the house, heading upstairs, to my room. When I get to the upper floor, the man I saw on the balcony walked into the house. He walked past me, I felt a really deep love for the guy, in fact, I feel like hugging him! Chill out girls, it wasn't Vin Diesel.. haha..But yet, its different, he's cold. The way he looked at me, I know he loves me too, but he too, felt cold with me. It's like we've just been into a fight. A heavy one but not physical of course. Anyway, he was heading downstairs. Kitchen probably.

I walked inside my room, it was pretty big, a master bedroom with king size bed. The room looked a lot like a first class hotel. I started for the wardrobe, took a robe and head for the shower. Inside the shower, I kept thinking, who's the guy? What had happened? And why am I even here? Suddenly, snap! I know that I was dreaming! Yeah... Its time to make some magic. But no, this time its different. I don't feel like I want to have a lucid dream. I don't want to change the guy into Vin Diesel, change the scene into a wonderful romantic waterfall or anything. I know that I was dreaming but since everything felt so real, I decided to continue the weirdness of it. Cause it felt so right, but yet so wrong. LOL. Anyway, I was determined to make things right with the guy. I felt a very deep connection with him.

I looked into the giant mirror inside my wardrobe, I was a bit shocked! Guess what? I'm old! Yaih...! But I also felt a familiarity with it. It seems like I'm already used to it. I looked like I'm in my late thirties. Anyway, I wore a sleeping robe and head downstairs. At the stairs, I saw I giant framed picture of me and someone who supposedly my husband. It was a wedding picture. I looked young, younger than what I see my self now. I looked happy in it. It seems like I was 27 something in that picture. And the guy was the guy at the balcony. Then a thought struck me! Ring! I looked at my fingers. There it is, funny I didn't notice it all this while. I took it out and look for the name who supposedly to be carved inside the ring. There's the name... Beverly love (.....). I like to keep the name private.. :)

Now I know that he was actually my husband. That explains why I felt a very deep love with him. I went quickly downstairs, hoping to see him there. I looked around the living room. Nope, he's not there. I went to the kitchen, not there either. I went out, went to the back, and there he is, sipping his wine looking over the shimmering swimming pool. I looked at his fingers, like I expected, he wore the same ring as I do. I went to him, he won't even looked at me. Ow... that's cold. I just stand there, hoping that he would say something. I need root, I'm blank, how the heck would I say something? He finally make a move. He took a glass, pour some wine in it and hand it to me. With a cold face :P

I took the wine, sat next to him, working something on my mind. I finally make a sound, the first time I hear my own voice. It sounds slightly different. I said, "Have you had your dinner?".

He said, "No."

Spontaneously I said, "Well, lets go out and have some."

He doesn't say anything. Five minutes and no response. I was pissed. I put the wine on the table and head to my room.

I wait for him in the room. I can't sleep. I was really pissed but yet I still wanted to make things right. That's it! That's my mission. To win his heart back. After like supposedly three hours of waiting and fighting with my feelings, he finally came in and lay beside me. Furious, I said in a loud voice, "Should we talk about this?"

He said, "What is it to talk about?"

Suddenly, I felt like I know what was happening. I said in an angry but cool tone, "You still love her do you?"

He said calmly, "I told you what I told you."

"Stop lying to me! You shouldn't come to me after you break up with her that day. I knew it, you was heartbroken aren't you? You just don't want to be alone! You didn't love me! You didn't! I knew it, I was no more than your best friend whom you seek for when you're down aren't I?"

Silence....

I added, "We shouldn't get married..." with a slower voice. I found myself crying. I could feel warm tears flowing from my eyes. Trust me, it does felt real. Too real to be a dream. I was really heartbroken. It really feels like a real experience even to this day.

He want's to say something. "Yes...."

Suddenly everything went black. Damn, I woke up! My phone rings. Someone was calling. It was my mum, calling to remind me to pack up cause I was going back to Sandakan that evening.

Weird... I felt like shit that I didn't get to finish my dream. But yet, I'm glad that it ended. It was a nightmare. Though I didn't get to hear what he was trying to say, but I know, it was something that could tear me into millions of pieces. Though I was really heartbroken, I don't want to lose him.


Weird+creepy+amazing isn't it? Weird because its just weird. LOL. Creepy, cause I'm old+married. Amazing? Well... not everyone got to experience this right? I mean, married? For real? Haha... It really motivated me a lot.

I do get a conclusions to this dream. I mean the meaning behind it. But, I'd rather to keep it personal :)

Find strength in your hectic life

Hey there! It's been busy these days... Just as the school reopened, tons of work came rushing in! Fuhh... But I'm not complaining. Instead, I'm quiet happy with it!

See that face? Yep... That's what I wear everyday. Trying to smile even though there were so much unexplained pain and thoughts+all the works, but yet, I'm so happy with this life. Knowing that there's still people who will support me and will be there whenever  I need them. I just need to ask! Well.. that's my problem. Sometimes, I tend to do things on my own as though there's no one to turned to where actually everyone was there for me! Sometimes, it makes me think,"Oh God... what am I trying to prove? That I can do everything on my own?" where the truth is, you can't do it all on your own! That's why God created Eve in the first place, because He don't want Adam to be alone. He knows, that its not good to be alone. Same goes to us! God doesn't like us to be alone. So, lets make use of every blessings that had been given to us! Don't waste anything even if its just one tiny bit because everything that had been given to us was given for a reason and they are really useful... believe me.

By the way, I'd like it more to be busy than bored. When you are busy, you learn so much thing and most of it you learn all at once. Whereas during boring days, where all you do is sit around imagining.. Grr... I could get a migraine because of that. It makes me feel like I could commit suicide in any second..LOL. I'm a think-too-much kind of person. That's why, my mood could easily changed and I could easily get depressed. Usually, my kind of people always wants a vivid vision for everything. That's why, it seems like all the times we always wants answers for everything. Not only that, it need to be very clear too. If not, we couldn't sleep thinking about it the whole night!

Anyway, since its a new year... I know everyone is busy. Some get stressed already... My advice is, no matter how hectic your life is, squeeze some moments with God. Pray.... ask and you will receive.. That's His promise...:)

Words of strength

Do you ever find yourself lonely? In the need of a friend to

talk to and no one can be found? There's One who's

been waiting to hear from you... Jesus.

My Dilemma

"You make me so upset sometimes

I feel like I could lose my mind

The conversation goes nowhere

'Cause you're never gonna take me there

And I know what I know

I know you're no good for me

And I know it's not meant to be

Here's my dilemma 

When half of me wants you

And the other half wants to forget

From the moment I met you

I just can't get you out of my head

I tell myself to run from you

But I found myself attracted to you..

I could live without you

Your smile

Your eyes

I could live without you

But I don't wanna..

When we are together

We can do whatever

Be whoever we like

Spend the weekend 

And I hope you don't mind

If you stay by my side..."