False Hopes

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't do nothing but daydreaming the whole time? You've got a lot to do and things to take care of but you seem can't think! All you want to do is dream... dream away your life and escape from reality. There's just so much you wish you could have and it all seems so real but yet, far away.

I'm sure, everyone have been there. Especially those who are in love. Moreover those who are in love but  their lovers was out of reach. It's a pain to accept the reality so why don't create your own world and dwell in?

But yet, do you know that it is not healthy to daydreaming? Well, I'm not a PhD's nor am I an approved counselor, but just by common sense, I strongly believe that daydreaming isn't good at all. To dream in ambitious term would be another story but creating fantasy? I don't think it would bring any good.

Why?


Well... I talk based on experience and I found that, daydreaming gave me headache because it cause me to think too much. For example, I'm in love with someone and I started to imagine wonderful things when being with the person. It felt all wonderful... Then snap! You realize that it was just dreams. Then, you started to think.... "I wish that was real.... No that's impossible! But what if~". Soon, another thought leads to another thought and then another. Then you started to behaving weirdly especially to that person you've been dreaming of. And that's because you've been thinking too much! You're ashamed of your own thoughts and you can't get away with it! Just a little gesture by that person caused a million things running through your mind. Instead of getting closer with the person, you blew your friendship away.

Do you realize that after daydreaming, it's such a pain when you get to the world and realize that it was all not true? Being a daydreamer for quiet a while, I found that the effect are this,

I think too much, 

I started to hate my life because it felt sucks, 


I blew my friendship with the person, 


and I started to wish! 

I hate to wish! It often cause me to have false hopes!
Do you know what I mean by false hopes? False hopes are things that you wish too bad to come true and believe it is but then it was just a dream. I hate it. It makes me feel desperate and stupid and hopeless which I know I'm not. I'm stronger than that.

That's why, I finally decided to stop. I want to live in reality. In fact its not that bad actually. I wanted to use good sense in life and be logic and rational where I used to be. It's stupid to dream things that are not there. Truth is, nothings gonna happen without a move. If you got no effort other than dreaming, then don't dare to hope or you'll crushed yourself.

I'm not crushed yet. But I realized it fast before it happens. Thanks to God that He blessed me. I found that there's no point in dreaming and hope. Hope only meant something if you hope in God but in worldly things, sorry. No effort and you ain't gonna get anything. Why wastes time? You only got to live once and what had passed can't be taken back. Appreciate each moment you have and live it!

Words of strength

Be unashamed of who you are, 

where you're been, and what you do today.

You are a divine gift to this world.

Wherever you've been, someone else

has also been there. Hold your head up high

and be who you are today.

Self-esteem

Left: Beverly, Joana

Requested by Honoria Via C-Box at the side of this blog. You can request too. Just hit the comment space or the black C-Box on the right hand side of this blog and I'll do my best to fulfill your request.


"Self is described as the latter statement not only describes the self, as the individual identifies himself/herself, but evaluates the self by putting worthiness on it...... Self esteem is both defined as descriptive and evaluative self-related statements..." ---- As it was described by the Wikipedia. The point is, self-esteem is what you see in yourself and how you evaluate yourself with what you see. Since everyone have different way of thinking, it means everyone evaluate themselves differently. It can be either positive or the other way round. It's what you believe about yourself.

Do you know that self-esteem has a big impact on how the person is behaving and performing? Successful people usually have a very high self-esteem. A positive self-esteem may cause certain people to behave confident and very competitive. While those who have a very low self-esteem tend to fail in most of things. This is due to the lack of trust and confidence in oneself. Low self'esteem may be due to factors such as life experience. How people view us and say about us affect a lot of how we may evaluate ourselves.

It can be illustrated like this, Kyra looked into the mirror as her mind wanders.."Gee... I'm so skinny! I'm gonna look funny with shorts and spaghetti. I can never be like Sasha... She's so pretty and perfect! And me? Everyone hates me. No boys gonna want me..."


While Sasha was also looking into the mirror and thought... "Oh my... Look at those hips. I looked like a big mama! Hmm... Kyra was lucky to have that model like body. But its okay... at least I still can fit in those jeans.. I'm not that fat anyway."


Sasha may be a bit jealous of Kyra but she has a positive input into her thought. She's confident and accept herself. Instead of looking at her flaw, she looked for what's positive in her and strive for it to bring out the best in her.

And for Kyra, she has a negative remarks on herself.This cause her to didn't socialize much and refused to be in any competition while Sasha, she wants to be in every competition to prove that she is something and that there's more to her than her little flaw.

What people say about us affect most of our self esteem. But, instead of saying.."He/she's right..." say, "Oh really? I'll prove to you that its not true." Sometimes, it is kinda hard to take. Especially when they are talking about our appearance. But you can always make it right or if it can't be fixed, accept it. Nobody's perfect anyway so why bother to be one? You're only adding a pain to yourself and resist yourself from enjoying life.

Here's a few of my technique (which you can use if you want) to overcome bad remarks that people hit me...

1st.... I'll listen to them carefully. Ask them what makes them think so and try to fix it. Though its hurting, just listen and accept.!

2nd... I'll laugh with them and just add their jokes and be a little sarcastic to tell them that you know and you hate them talking about it. For example, they said.."Bev...you're so skinny! Like a skewer!! I bet the next time the wind blows, you're gonna soar with the wind.. hahaahah!" ~Ouch... It's a joke and don't kill the joy. Instead of giving them a sour face, I'll just say, "hahahahah! I know! And, I don't need you to tell me that again.LOL!"

3rd... When they give me a downer remarks like for example, they said, "You are so stupid! You don't belong in here!" or..."Okay, your voice sucks. I don't think you can sing Bev." ~Ouchhh. But don't fight back! Just keep quiet but say this in your heart..."Okay... I may be not good right now, but you'll see. I'll make you suck back those words." But don't forget to make sure you made what you says come true.

Before I end this, I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes by Paris Hilton, "What people saw in you is 80% what you saw in yourself". Therefore, value yourself. Instead of saying..."I'm worthless and bla... bla..." say, "I'm AMAZING!" and hold on to those words.



Any additional facts or opinions?..Just proudly hit the comment space. No one's gonna bite. :)


For more Information.... Go to Teens health.

Left: Joana, Beverly

Twisted thoughts

Hello people! Yepp... I miss you all! I miss sharing my thoughts with you all. Lately everything is crammed right inside this head. Time was so jealous with me that it didn't allow me write.. .pergghh...! Anyways, first of all, I want to thank you all that even though this blog was static for months you are still faithful to visit. Thank you!!!


Anyway, sorry, no tips, no nothing this time. I'm a bit confused my self lately that I can't think straight! I can't really study well too. Ooh.. what a shame. The only thing that's on my mind is that, "Beverly, fix yourself!". Why? Well.. for some reasons, I'm kinda broken. Broken in many unexplained ways. Not because I was being cheated by my boyfriend nor I was being dumped or something. No, no... I don't have a boyfriend how the heck was that even possible.. LOL.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything was so perfect in your life.? You have a successful life, happy family, awesome friends, but yet, there is this little doubts in you that keeps on telling you that something was not right. That's what happen to me now. I spent a hell lot of time figuring out what is  wrong but yet, the more I search, the bigger the doubts. I wonder, with this life that I'm currently in, I just can't stop my self for being grateful with everything. But yet, there's something in me that believes that something was going perfectly wrong. I don't have anything big to worry about other than my 'Going Down' performance in school which for some reasons doesn't really bother me because I know, It's still early man. I can still work on blast to fix it in time. At least that's what I believe.

It's funny how something that was so perfect in the surface makes you believe that something was wrong. Let's put it like this, I'm in a middle of a dilemma on what to believe. Referring to the source of doubts, I believe that everything goes perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about. But, the world and my heart believes that what I heard, is not what it seems. I really wanted to believe what I try to believe but somehow, I know the trouble was there. I wish I could trust my brain but my feelings is overtaking my common sense. My intuition says differently and it sent me wondering for answers everywhere. I ask for advice's and opinions from trusted, experienced, and elder people and they also believe what actually me my self believe. But yet, I'm still very, very confused. I really wanted to know the answers but yet, I can't lie to my self that I enjoyed the thrill. Its funny how I called, confused, hurts and tears as THRILL.


And the only thing they kept on saying is that, WAIT AND SEE. Wait? Huhh.. Wait. Truth is, I'm dying of waiting and believing. As a matter of fact, I'm not really a very patient person and this all is challenging my patience. I could a get heart attack with this all.LOL. But yet, I can't stop smiling at the thought of it. Everything is so weird... Not to mention the stupid omens my intuition keeps on showing. Like dreams... Strong feelings on something and ugghh.. I just can't explain.

But whatever it is... I'll just believe in this, "It's not what you think it is okay. It's what it shows and that's it. Accept it Bev and again, FIX YOURSELF." It tear my heart actually but that's it. Anyway, just a thought, How can you fix if you don't know what's broken? o.O

Words Of Strength

Never regret or dwells on yesterday's

mistakes or decisions.

They are part of the learning curve

that is called life. The greatest gift you can give yourself

is to start each day anew taking what

you have learned from yesterday, putting it

to good use today, and bettering yourself

and your life with it tomorrow.

The battle in my heart

Well.... I have a weird fish who stays under a weird stone inside a weird aquarium on the weird cupboard in a weird house. LOL. Just talking crap. Hehe.

Yepps... just by the image, depressed again. Duhh... what a life. In the outside, I smile and laugh but somewhere deep inside, I'm crying. I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of my self, and somehow, I'm tired of being hurt.

"Everyday, I do my best to ignore what I'm feeling. At first, I get along with it perfectly. I can lie about all that I'm feeling smoothly and confidently until I myself also believe that what I'm saying is actually true. Not until you appears in my dreams every time I sleep. At first, I thought it was just nothing. Just dreams. But it happened continually just every time I sleep whether it is during nighttime or daytime. I started to wondered, "What could it actually means?". But still, I ignore it. I tried so bad to ignore every possible thing that could make me think that I fall in love with you. I do and say and listen to any advice that tells me that I am not in love. Not with you! I thought it would help. But as time goes by, it seems like I can't hold it anymore. The only thing that keep rearing in my mind is that, "You're lying to yourself". It seems like everything wants me to admit it. But yet, I still keep fighting that its not true! I am not in love! I'm just confused. That's all... I can't be one of those girls who can easily fall for charm. But yet, I know, somewhere deep inside, I do. I just can't deny. I love the guy."


I remember, I was waiting for my aunt at the staircase. Usually, during times like this, I would take this chance to pray. I prayed and confess to God all that I'm feeling, my wish and glorify His work. Then, an hour passed by, my aunt is still not there. I'm out of prayers. So I decided, to sat around and think about everything. What bothers me... and the dilemma goes around a lot like this.. 


"competitions that I'm about to participate... hmm... him. Urghh... My studies... my physics... chemists.... him. Aik?? Okay.. okay... I miss my family.. I miss my old friends.. I miss.. him. Eh, eh, no, no, no...! Aishh... where the heck is my aunt?? (Imagining my aunt queuing to get into the bus) Hmm... she'll be here soon. She's probably... him."

It seems like every thought would eventually leads to him. No matter what I do he would suddenly popped out of my brain. Its like a virus! Even as I'm doing my homework, thinking critically how to solve the problems, he would suddenly popped out of my brain somewhere in the middle of my calculation. Even with a blank expression, and looked as it seems like I'm focusing with all my strength, actually, deep in me, I'm battling with my self. And when I finally couldn't stand it, I'll stop and cover my face with my hands. I wanna cry but no tears wanna come out! It hurts... it hurts a lot.

But, there is no time left to regret! I just have to hold on. Maybe this time, I'll truly understands the meaning of sacrifice. My theme for this year. 

Words of strength

You are perfect just the way you are.

This isn't to say that you are finished,

only that you are well on your way.

Yet, for this time, this place, wherever you may be in life

you are still perfect, every step of the way.

Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

Thank You (Cover~Dedication For My Special One)

I know I'm not that talented to show off to the world, but I have shown a lot of pictures, and crappy videos of me. But I forgot, to give glory back to HIM who had created me the way I am. I might be not that much, but at least, I'm capable of a lot of things. Thanks to HIM. My success and what I have, I wouldn't have it all if it weren't because of Him. Truthfully, I am nothing without JESUS. I am empty and useless and hopeless without HIM. He saved me in many ways and give me a lot more than I needed. I ask for one, He give me ten. His help always come just in time. I couldn't count of how many miracles He had done for me. He died for me on the cross. But He was risen on the third day because He was the Messiah. I know and I believed that He is the true and living God. I'm not saying this simply by lips, but by truth and I've been through many unexplained experiences with Him. Step by step, He guide me and thought me. He raised me up when I'm down, and He never failed me. So, with all my heart, I sing to HIM...

"There is no one like YOU

There is no ONE like YOU God

All my hope is in YOU

Jesus.. Jesus.."

-Have a Blessed Good Friday-

Words of strength

Hope will turn the cold into warmth

Your weakness into strength

And your sadness into joy

I'm tired

"I'm tired of crying

I'm of tired yelling

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of remembering

I'm tired of missing things

I'm tired of being different 

I'm tired of missing people

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have

But most of all, I'm tired of being tired...."

What are the causes of juvenile delinquency?

p.s This was actually my school assignment. We were asked to write an article on "What are the causes of Juvenile Delinquency" for our school magazine.

WHAT CAUSES 

JUVENILE

DELINQUENCY?

Hello readers! How was your day lately? Busy? Stressed out? I guess that's why you chose to read awhile to calm your mind and relax. Meanwhile, let's look over nowadays issues. In today's society, it's not a surprise anymore to hear news such as '..10 years old kid kills both of his parents..' or '..17 years old kid were one of the bank robbers gang..' and many more. It's just getting worst and worst day by day. Before we're getting further, do you even know what is juvenile delinquency? Juvenile means criminal cases involving students below the age of 18 while delinquency refers to behavior such as rebelling, obligating, offending, or negligence. Juvenile cases could be heavy crimes such as murder, robbing, rape and so on. Scary isn't it? To know that kids in our age, as young as 18 and below could do such things. But that's the fact. In this modern age, kids or adults are no different from each other. Each and every person could be unexpected and cruel. Therefore, it is very hard to trust people nowadays. Agree?

Anyway, let's get back to the topic. What causes juvenile delinquency? Are you one of those who are worried and been wondering what are the factors that causes all this? Many believed that working parents are the major factor. This is because many researches had reported that most of the juveniles came from a family where both of their parents were a full time workers. This become a problem when parents didn't gave enough attention and affection for their kids for they were always busy with their careers. As a results, kids looked for attention and affection on the outside world. True, it is not wrong for parents to work their limit to looked for moneys to support the family, it's their major responsibilities. But what about love and affection? Take note that material can't buy a soul. We all need love! In this case, parents should learn and know how to balance their time with their family and careers in order to create a balance being while shaping their kids.

Peer pressure is also another famous factor that causes juvenile delinquency. We all know that friends has a large portion in our lives as a teenagers. It's like teenagers couldn't live a day without a friend by their side. Agree? Or maybe we can, but we just don't want to, right? This is because, we all believed that, 'No friends makes you bad'. We just couldn't take it living as a person that was isolated. We all hate isolation and bullies! Agree? However, some students manage to take it easy. True, we all need friends. But we need to care too who and what kind of friends we are choosing. Because, when you chose a wrong friend, instead of being protected and self secure, you could get screwed instead. This is because, a wrong friend may push you to do wrong things and threat you when don't want to do it. Anyway, we always do what our friends is doing right? We are models to each others. So when one of us smoke, chances that another 10 friends is doing the same within the next day is very big. We all should avoid this! We, as a teenagers and students have responsibilities to maintain a high standard of moralities and inspire each others not ruining our young lives. Always be reminded that we are the backbones of our own country and are the next generation rulers.

Another popular factors are the mass media. This is what I agree the most. Mass media has the biggest influence in our lives. Agree? Everyday, it's almost impossible if a teen didn't face the computers and web browsing or watching televisions. Day by day, it starting to becoming more vital in our lives. It has many good qualities, yes, but, we can't also deny the bad side of it. Many of the media content nowadays portrayed violence and improper images. No doubt, it has a big impact on the societies especially to teenagers. We all have idols aren't we? Idols inspires us and usually, we tend to imitate them. So when they smoke, and it looked cool to us, we might follow their footsteps. In order to avoid this, the mass media content should be filtered properly and proper actions should be taken unto those who are responsible in this.

In conclusions, it's everyone's responsibilities to prevent juvenile delinquency from getting worst. We should stop pointing unto each others of who is responsible and start to make steps in order to reduce this problem.

Why we must take care of our health

Greetings planet! I didn't use good day for it was a bad day for me. I didn't go to school today because my health is getting worse. And when I say worse it means real worse! worse like I would throw up with only just one cough! I really don't want to miss school because today's subject were all very important ones and real hard too. I don't wanna be left-out!

Anyway, back to the topic. First, let me tell you what push me to post this. I'm one of those kind of people who didn't put health as their priority in lives. I'm a workaholic. When it gets to work, the only thing that's on my mind is that, "Oh.. I have to finish this!". It doesn't matter what time I have my meal and sleep. But not a full time actually. I'm a kind of lazy person too. I'm More like the kind who just don't like to sit tight or lay all day unless I got no other options. If can, in every second of my life, I want to do something. May it be, hanging out, watching movies, talking, anything as long I'm not doing nothing.

The good thing about me is that, you can bring me to enjoy any kinds of activities. May it be outdoor activities(rough one) or indoor activities. The bad thing is, I will do it all without really considering my body stats. For example, you bring me to hike somewhere and I feel very tired for I just got home, yet, I would still follow you. Or maybe I was sick, I don't care cause my motto is, 'As long as I can stand, lets rock it!'. The only thing that matters is my will. When I want it to be that way, I'll work it to the limit to be the way I want it to be. When I say that I will finish all my homework within one day! Wooh... we got so many homework I tell you. Soooo many!!!! Too many that it would take more than 8 hours for one day homework to finish. So when you decided to finish it all, sometimes you will not sleep until the next morning and start off for school. Without sleep! Let me tell you my routine, usually, during school days, first thing I do is, I go to school. Then after school, often I got another activities, appointments, practice, or meeting. I would be home late nearly everyday. Then, I would always have something to do at home. After that, I'll start doing my homework until 3 a.m or more and sleep for like 2 hours or less. And the cycle goes on and on. I'm not complaining. I don't care cause I enjoy it all. But the thing is, my meal is not in order and my sleep cycle is abnormal. Though it's not a trouble for me to sleep for 3 to 2 hours everyday because I'm used to it I think but everyone can tell without a book that it's not healthy at all! And I'm sure that most of teenagers life nowadays are like this. Moreover the adults! Right?

At first, its okay to me and it never really even matters because my thought is, 'If I got sick, there's always the Hospital..:)'. The last hope. Not until today when I started to realize of how important it really is to take care of our body. My sickness start off with sneezing non stop and it happened last week. Soon, flu came in followed by fever. A weird one because the fever come and go. And this what makes it worse, when a flu hit, asthma would eventually follow up. Yet, through all this sicknesses, I still do all my routines as usual. Finally, last Saturday, I decided to go to a local Clinic because that morning, my mucus got blood. Plus, it's hard for me to breath! Well, here comes the asthma!!! (=.=") Anyway, usually, after drinking their medicine, I would started to get well but this time, it doesn't. At first, I think that maybe the medicine works slowly this time. I would be okay after I go to sleep. But apparently, I was wrong! On Sunday, I decided to be a cow, the most laziest person in the planet. It was under many people's advice's. They say that I need a lot of rest. This time, I decided to listen to their advice's. Fine, I'll sleep all day! But yesterday evening, when I woke up at 5.30 p.m I feel so breathless! My chest felt so tight! I lay down, trying to control my breath. Trying hard to relax. Soon, I felt choked up! My vision was starting to went black. I swear I'm dead by now if don't decide to do something. I don't know why my spirit felt so weak that time. Not the usual me. I think that I just wanna give in. I'd die.... suddenly! And luckily, my phone rang. It was a text message. Then my spirit started to raise. I remember all my beloved friends and families, I remember all that I'm yet to achieved. I gather all my strength and grabbed my cellphone and reply the text. I get up, drink some milo with bread and read an article that a dear friend of mine slipped under the door. But yet, I can't breath properly! Even as I read, my vision would sometimes went black. After I read it all, I lay back on my bed. Closing my eyes... I'm choked... I didn't breath... I think I'd die... Things started to went black... But I decided that I'm gonna do something! I get up, and decided to go to the Hospital, for good. I hate Hospital. I'm glad it's there but I don't like it. To me, Hospital is when you are going to die. When I arrived, I go straight to the emergency section and they quickly put up the oxygen on me. Great.... Now I do looked like I'm gonna die! After that, the Doctor checked me, weird.. no effect. Then he decided to put me to the oxygen again. 2nd round and no effect! Then, he inject something into my nerves and waited for 30 minutes then put me with the oxygen again and still, no effect at all ! That's how worse I was. Then the Doctor decided to run me into some tests and a nurse x-ray'ed me. Mysteriously, my lungs were all fine except for my backbones. Well, I don't wanna talk about it. My backbones are fine, but there's just something.

Anyway, why we must take of our health?


Well... firstly because we got only one body!
Unlike machine, once its broken down, we can still fix it. But our body? Once its broken down, then you're screwed for life!

Secondly, it affect the people around us...
Have you ever wondered of how much people around you loved you? Well... you might not realized it but its true! Especially your family. More over, when you got sick, it will burdened your family, physically, emotionally, and of course, financially. Just one you, could affect hundreds of people, can you believe that? You might don't care about yourself, like me. I'm not really scared to die so I guess that's why I don't really care about my health. But last night, I was touched by some of my friends and family members. How they are willing to come to the Hospital to see me no matter how far. How they are willing to not to sleep to take care of me. Some were dead worried. I don't know whether they are really worried and care or just acting worried and caring..:P But for sure, I'm sure they're sincere. 'Cause well, I don't have anything to give them other than my love. That's why, no matter how dying I feel, as long as I can smile and laugh, I'd do it for them. I felt real guilty when people are worried about me. Sometimes I'd say, "Why are you so worried? I'm not gonna die! LOL!" and then people would start slapping my mouth. last night, the Doctors said, "Please leave your phone, you'll need to rest." I said, "NO, I can't. I have to tell them that I'm fine. By the way, I am fine." and smiled. The Doctor said, "And you still can smile? Aren't you worried? Don't you see how worse you are right now?". I said, "Well, let my physical be sick, but not my soul. After all, I still can stand aren't I? And that means I'm still not gonna die tonight. So I don't want anyone to did not sleep tonight and fuse over me. Anyway, I trust in you Doctor." and smiled.

But aren't you feel bad when 10 people can't sleep just because of 1 you? Especially to parents out there! No matter how hard you worked for the family, please look after your health. Money would lose, yes, but they can be regained. But you? Once they lose you, then there can never be you again.

Word of strength

Sometimes, life takes you on a detour.

Use these times to see things you would have missed

had you remained on your planned route.

You may find it to be among the best

parts of your journey.

What is the benefit of being in convent school

Good day earthlings! Today, I would like to bring the topic of "What is the benefit of being in Convent school".


As far as I'm concerned, about 70% student's don't want to be in convent school. Once, a friend says to me, "Oh... you're in convent school? How terrible!". When she says this, I don't know how to respond.LOL. I don't know whether to agree or to fight back. Well, before that, let me tell a bit about my school. My school's name is SMK St.Cecilia Convent. It was located in a town namely Sandakan which is in Sabah, Malaysia. My school was one of the only two convent school in this town. The other one is SMK Perempuan.

Now, let me tell what cause me to bring up this topic. Lately, me and one of my best friend, Varrelene been talking about moving school. She tells me of how she misses of being in mixed school. Yeah, me too, I miss the atmosphere should I say A LOT! I remember years back, man, I even cry when my mum decided to put  me in convent school. I feel like my world just fall apart! Until I even decided that I wanted to stop schooling! Yeah, we broke into a fight as we always do. I even remember my sobbing face going into the Principal room with my mum to sign me in.

What makes it so bad being in convent school? Well, I always heard rumors that convent school is full of lesbian. Some says the student in convent school were rude and bullies. Grr... it creeps me out! I'm so scared.. and sad! On my first day in school, I was totally in culture shock! The atmosphere were all new to me. The people... the way they behave.. and I still even remember that I can't even find the toilet! I'm scared to ask. I found the toilet on March which is the third month of me being there. It feels so weird not seeing the boys around playing and laughing teasing the girls. For months, I live my life questioning God of why the heck did He put me in there? Is this His ways of punishing me? I still remember of how hard it is for me to make friends and how difficult it is for me to accept the culture in there. But God has His own plans for me. When I discovered this, I really praise God for putting me in there.

God wants me to change my way. In here, I learn a lot about Christianity and I got a chance to serve in Church ministry. By being in here, I also manage to scrape my ego and learn to respect my friends. I still remember my Diva life when I was in elementary school where I can do whatever I like on my friends like they were some slave or what. I shout at them and tell them to do this and that. I can chose who to be my friends and who shall be isolated. I don't really know why do they listen to me. Maybe its because I'm a top student or maybe they are scared of me? I don't know. Anyway, in my high school, I cannot do that. In here, everyone treats each other like friends though they are top students or not, pretty or not, rich or not, everyone were treated in the same level. The only thing that matters is attitude. If you respect them, they will do the same for you, as simple as that.

On my second year of being in the convent school, I started to notice the benefit of it. Here are they...

1.I'm free to wear what I like!
Doesn't mean that I can wear whatever outfit I like to school. Of course we wear uniform like what normal students in Malaysia should. What I'm trying to say is, in my school, I wouldn't have to care much of how did my uniform looked like. Ironed or not, or even short! Sometimes, some students didn't even buttoned their uniform properly or some didn't even zipped their uniform! And the good thing is that, no one cares!

Me in pinafore(school uniform)

Sometimes we forgot to wear singlet to school but it never was a big matter! Of course, it is against the rules, but apart from that, we got nothing else to worry about. My pinafore is above my knees, which is considered shorts but I still wear them. I've been wearing it for almost four years now. Well, who cares? Yes, of course I'll get trouble if I get caught by the discipline teacher but well... Of course, there are male teachers exists, but there were only few of them.

If in mixed schools, the first thing that normal girls would think of before they wear anything is that, "Umm... Do I look good? Will I get teased by the boys later?" or, "Am I attractive or look beautiful in this?". Well... normal actions. In here, well yeah... whatever, as long as I'm not wearing my birthday suite, lets rock the school!




2. Less conflict
This is what I adore the most in convent school. I still remember when I was in elementary school, the 'He, She' conflict is very famous and eventually would always be the hottest topic of the day. I miss it though but you wouldn't imagine of how wonderful and peaceful life is without it. If its already like that in elementary, imagine how worst it would be in high schools. Everyday, "You know what.. he... bla.. bla.. bla.. bla.... and she... bla... bla....". Well, we did talk about this in school but it is different. We did talk about boys but usually it'll be more positive. Its hard to explain but its just different. By the way, what I noticed is that, since we know boys from outside, most of the them were different people. She talk about him and she talk about the other him. Mostly, the names we heard were very random as we heard it everyday but we usually never see the person in person. So, it is kinda hard for things like two persons liking the same person to happen. It does happen but in a very few cases.

3. We can be ourselves!
I still remember of how I controlled my self much when I was in mixed school. The way I'm talking,the way I'm behaving and the way I'm dressing, everything counts! But in here, since we got nobody to impress, well yeah! I never really have to worry about my hair, of how loud I'm laughing and so on. I wouldn't even have to worry of how the way I'm sitting! Polite or not, well.... What I notice also is that, when we were outside of the school, we looked so matured and often mistaken as an adult. But when we were in the school, well, you can see a whole bunch of kindergarten but in bigger size. LOL. We are ourselves. We never have to worry about judgement from people cause we're all the same, we are what we are.

And lastly is that we appreciate boys more...
Girls and boys is often like cats and dogs and this we know. Everyday, the boys would always pissed the girls. And whenever the girls had a chance, they would also do the same. But girls, when the boys are finally not around, you'll realize of how lonely the world is. Yes, girls friends are fun, of course maa... But the fun you'll have with the boys is different. Trust me, you'll miss their annoying joke. Of course I'm still pissed if they tease me, but yet, its something that you'll miss. So whenever we got a chance to be with boys, we are more happy than it is when see them everyday.


So convent girls... be positive! Being in convent school is not really that bad like what they said. Lesbian? Of course they're around but don't think in mixed schools they don't exist! By the way, I don't really saw lesbians in my school though..o.O Maybe its because I never paid any attention to such case. Keep in mind that, whatever happens, It was all depending on you.

What is the purpose of life?

Recently, I've been wondering, what is the purpose of life? Is it merely to just to enjoy everything? To be successful and well known to the entire face of the earth? Some say "To Live Is to Love". Really? Is it all about love?

Everyone has a vary perspective on life. Some agree with that and some argue with this. That's human... sometimes even the simplest thing in the world could cause issues just because the differences of perspectives. Why did this happen? It happen because we all wanted to be listened not listening. Once, people invent the motto, "Voice out" to encourage people to speak their ideas. But the mistake is, when everyone is speaking, then who will listen?

Okay, get back to the topic, what is the purpose of life? We all understands that life has to be meaningful. Something that couldn't be wasted and something that only can we have once. It's something that couldn't be revised.

I'd like to believe that, human is the most lucky living creature in the entire universe. Why? Because, only human was given a chance by God to choose. To think on their own and to make decisions. Jesus died on the cross for human sins not cat's sins. Human is the only creature that is given a chance to repent. We sinned a lot of times but still be forgiven when we repent. How lucky we are?

I believe that we live to learn something. There's something from within that we are yet to learn. Something meaningful. I also believe that it's different for each person. I imagined life as an exam or a treasure hunt where we, human, are searching here and there, up and down for the light of the truth. Some succeed, some stumbled in the middle. It's a dark maze, messy, twisty, and rough. Some succeed and win the battle because of faith while the others fail themselves.

I still think that I'm lost. But I already got someone walking beside me telling me where I should go and that person is Jesus. "have faith in Him and you shall find the way.."

Texting versus calling

Recently, I've been wondering of which one is better? Texting or calling? I never thought of it much before until I met a friend who really have trouble talking on the phone especially to girls. There's my friend, he'd been asking my number once. The first weird thing that I noticed is that, after he asked for my number he didn't call afterwards. What he do? He texted a month after he asked for my number. LOL. Usually, after we asked for a number, we would call to confirm whether we've been given the right number or not right?

Soon after that, we've been living a friendship through text messages for like the whole time. It's a another weird thing for me because I never had a textmate before who never even once tried to call me after such a long friendship through text messages. Texting is good, I like it, but for once in a while, a call sometimes is needed even for just 5 minutes in once a month. Why? To confirm that we are talking to human. LOL. A girl or a boy, everyone I had heard their voice except for this one friend. I've been waiting for his call, sometimes, I feel like calling but of course, its not appropriate for a girl to call a guy. It could be misinterpreted as something else. Anyway, after a while, I find it was comfortable talking to him about anything through text messages. I feel like he was my bestfriend until one day, when we decided to hangout, I hear his voice for the first time(over the phone). I was surprised of what a stranger he was! The tone of his voice was so far from what I thought it was supposed to be! And to tell the truth, it kinda scared me. Not soon after that, I finally asked him of why he never called? Just then I know that he don't like calling. He have trouble talking over the phone because he fear that he don't know what to say. When he told me this, I was like, "okayy..." and looked over the ceiling. LOL. Is there such things? To me that time, if you have a voice and you can speak, then why should it be such a trouble to talk over the phone? After all, its just talking. So I made a survey over my friends and made some researches and yes, there are such things. 

I always encouraged him to call his girlfriend if he really wish to reduce the awkwardness between the two of them. Living a relationship through text messages is sweet, yes, but if you live your life receiving text, then reply and so on the whole day everyday, then it's almost the same with dating a machine. You are dating the cellphone not the human. You need to hear the person's voice and if can, meet and hangout to remind you that you are with a human being not some generated robot who is emotionless. Take this illustration, reading a novel versus watching movies, which is more alive? When you read a novel, it is not really straight forward because the messages isn't really vivid though it explained everything(literally) because every person have a vary imagination. Unlike movies, everything is really vivid. The situation+sound+emotion all in one clear message.

My opinion is that, texting is important to make the relationship going while calling is important to make the relationship alive. Both needed to be balanced.

Anyway, in this post, I'd like to include 7 reasons of why text messages is better than phone call... 

1) Because you can actually think about what you’re going to say.
Hand me a telephone, and I will say something stupid into it. Hand me a telephone with someone I like on the other end, and I will say something really stupid.

With a text, you can plan, and yes, even revise.

2) Because phone calls can be painfully awkward.
Even if you have perfect elocution, a great speaking voice, and fantastic oratorical skills, factors such as poor cell-phone reception or other interruptions (another call, an ambulance driving by, a barking dog) can lead to uncomfortable interruptions. There’s nothing worse than speaking to someone on the phone for the first time and having to continually say “Wait–what? Sorry, can you hear me? Wait, hold on, walking by construction site…” over and over.

3) Because a good text message will say a lot about a person.
A perfect text message requires wit, brevity, and flirtation. A good texter is smart, sharp, and good with words. Additionally, someone who uses unnecessary text abbreviations, or, god help him, emoticons is immediately ruled out as a potential love interest.

4) Because texting can be great foreplay. 
It’s a prolonged flirtation that can span the course of the week or day leading up to a date.

5) Because there is nothing sexy about a perfunctory “let’s set up a date” call.

Sure, a phone call is “to the point”, and on a purely utilitarian level more efficient than texting when it comes to making plans. But are you really looking for “efficiency” in your dating life? You call to quickly make an appointment with your dentist, not with your date.

6) Because a text lets you write what you’re too shy to say.

Sometimes, especially during the early stages of dating, it can be hard to straight out say the things you’re feeling, especially if you’re unsure of how it will be reciprocated. A “You looked beautiful last night” or “I had an amazing time with you” the next morning is a safe (and always appreciated!) way of doing this.

7) Because a text is forever.
I usually don’t swoon at phone calls, but if I get an excellently crafted text, I will save that thing forever, and pull it up and read it again and again.

Even so, I still think that phone call is still needed. That's my opinions. What's yours?

 *copied from the date report

Anyway, I wish you all...

In advance.... cheers! :)

Can a boy and a girl be just friends?

Many asks, can a boy and a girl be just friends? In my opinions, definitely, NO. Being just bestfriends? That's bullshit. No matter how you pretend, sooner or later, one must fall in love into another. Its just time who will decide how soon you will notice what you actually feel for the person.

Being close with the other sex is like playing with fire. You are daring yourself to love the person. Though at first you think its impossible that you could be in love with the person for in your opinion, he/she is only a nice friend. It could actually turn your life into a real deep shit when you find out that you were in love with the person. Especially when the person already had someone special in their heart while you were there stuck in between your feelings and your friendship. When you came to this, you had to decide, which one to lose? If you choose to confess, you could lose your wonderful friendship while if you choose your friendship, you had to be ready to bleed your heart every single day. Bad isn't it?

Some doesn't believe this. They said, "we've been friends for years and there's nothing came between us." Yeah, I believe you. For some people, its kinda slow for them to notice their feelings. Factors? maybe you saw the person everyday? You never lose contact with him/her and the person seems to be always there for you. But, take that you suddenly didn't see the person for like few weeks or months. The person just suddenly poof! If you are a girl and your bestfriend was a girl, you'll find it'll be much easier to let go. But take that if you are a girl, and your bestfriend was a boy, you'll find that you'll gonna miss him like hell. When this happens, notice that, you are in love.

I'm not saying that having a bestfriend from the opposite sex is a bad thing to do. Yes, I know, for girls they like to have a guy bestfriend because they were understanding, easy going and not emotional. When you need friend to be harsh and rude, a guy is a good place to do it. Its something that you just can't do with a girl bestfriend for they'll remember every single thing and words you said that hurt them. And its something you can't do either with your boyfriend for they'll take it as you're trying to break up with him. Complicated isn't it? Well... that's life.

Still, many like to do some stunts. They say, "we're just friends". But I got plenty of proofs from the experiences of the people around me who once said that they're "just bestfriends" but none seemed to end up as a "BFF(Best Friend Forever)". They end up as a couple, married or enemy. The once upon a time the most wonderful friendship suddenly became the coldest. Even colder than Antarctica that even the inferno can't break the ice. 

Practically, I'm not really sure what we can actually do in order to prevent this. The only way is to pray. Just leave it all to God. He'll know what to do... Amen...

Inspiring...

Looking into the mirror...

Lately, it seems like the only words that can came out of my mouth is that.."I'm tired.....". Yes... I'm tired of my self... With everything going on(deep breaths)...Hahhh.... I'm tired... Just tired...

I remember the first person that I tell my problem to.. It was 2th of January when I get back to Sandakan. Things starts hitting me one by one just as I arrived home. Since I got no one to talk to, and since I was texting to a friend, I blurted out everything that was going on. Guess how S'he responds... It broked my heart... Its like S'he doesn't even care! S'he just continued S'hi's so called interesting and nonsense  stories(S'he think) like I was saying nothing!

Its so hard when you got no one to turn to when things hit you all at once. The person you hoped would care and the person whom you hoped will soothe you when things get rough turned their back just as you're about to fall.

Now, when I looked in the mirror, I can see the girl in it saying to me "you're pathetic..". I started to hate my self. I care for these people so much.. I help them.. I'm always there when things get rough(I think) but them in return, won't even lend me a second and a pair of ears to just to listen to me! That's what I need! Someone to listen to me and someone who'll understand! I might be somebody, but its still a pity to know that I am nobody in anybody's heart.

I know... just who am I right? But did I ever counted all the pains they caused to me? No! I just kept it all in me. Everything is inside me and I got no one to share my 'pain' with. Maybe I did, but maybe I just don't trust them. Or maybe I had shared it but they just doesn't seem to care. I listen to them, I think for them.. I tried to help solving their issues... But why? Why can't just any of them... Just one... Willing to do the same for me?

But without knowing it, someone does care. Someone is watching but I never realized it. Never even thought that there are still few's(who remember) who read my blog. Thanks though.. You read it... Then you are listening...

A friend that I walked with from school today suddenly said to me, "In class before, I saw pain behind your smile.. are you okay?"(summarized). Aww.. isn't that the sweetest thing? When even my bestfriend who was sitting beside me didn't notice, someone did saw it from across the room! I asked her, "how did you know what I was thinking?"... She said, "you told me yesterday about this and that... I understand..". What a miracle! I Praise the Lord for letting me know that there are people who still care and watching me..Amen.

But yet... I'm tired... Not tired of all the homework's or activities, but tired of the battles inside me. I don't know when will it stop but the truth is... I'm tired... Just tired...


("S'he" is a code I used to hide the person's genre.)