False Hopes

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't do nothing but daydreaming the whole time? You've got a lot to do and things to take care of but you seem can't think! All you want to do is dream... dream away your life and escape from reality. There's just so much you wish you could have and it all seems so real but yet, far away.

I'm sure, everyone have been there. Especially those who are in love. Moreover those who are in love but  their lovers was out of reach. It's a pain to accept the reality so why don't create your own world and dwell in?

But yet, do you know that it is not healthy to daydreaming? Well, I'm not a PhD's nor am I an approved counselor, but just by common sense, I strongly believe that daydreaming isn't good at all. To dream in ambitious term would be another story but creating fantasy? I don't think it would bring any good.

Why?


Well... I talk based on experience and I found that, daydreaming gave me headache because it cause me to think too much. For example, I'm in love with someone and I started to imagine wonderful things when being with the person. It felt all wonderful... Then snap! You realize that it was just dreams. Then, you started to think.... "I wish that was real.... No that's impossible! But what if~". Soon, another thought leads to another thought and then another. Then you started to behaving weirdly especially to that person you've been dreaming of. And that's because you've been thinking too much! You're ashamed of your own thoughts and you can't get away with it! Just a little gesture by that person caused a million things running through your mind. Instead of getting closer with the person, you blew your friendship away.

Do you realize that after daydreaming, it's such a pain when you get to the world and realize that it was all not true? Being a daydreamer for quiet a while, I found that the effect are this,

I think too much, 

I started to hate my life because it felt sucks, 


I blew my friendship with the person, 


and I started to wish! 

I hate to wish! It often cause me to have false hopes!
Do you know what I mean by false hopes? False hopes are things that you wish too bad to come true and believe it is but then it was just a dream. I hate it. It makes me feel desperate and stupid and hopeless which I know I'm not. I'm stronger than that.

That's why, I finally decided to stop. I want to live in reality. In fact its not that bad actually. I wanted to use good sense in life and be logic and rational where I used to be. It's stupid to dream things that are not there. Truth is, nothings gonna happen without a move. If you got no effort other than dreaming, then don't dare to hope or you'll crushed yourself.

I'm not crushed yet. But I realized it fast before it happens. Thanks to God that He blessed me. I found that there's no point in dreaming and hope. Hope only meant something if you hope in God but in worldly things, sorry. No effort and you ain't gonna get anything. Why wastes time? You only got to live once and what had passed can't be taken back. Appreciate each moment you have and live it!

Words of strength

Be unashamed of who you are, 

where you're been, and what you do today.

You are a divine gift to this world.

Wherever you've been, someone else

has also been there. Hold your head up high

and be who you are today.

I can't get you off my mind!

This evening, I tried so hard to find peace. Listening to music and let the lyrics speaks to me. Suddenly, I was filled with hatred, and jealousy. Stupid.... I thought. But true.... I just can't get you off my mind!!! There's no words that can express what I'm feeling nor what exactly I am thinking. You know, being in a dilemma of believing and denying and also, balancing wasn't really an easy task. Damn, I don't even know what's easy anymore. Everything is tumbling down and is pressing me to the limit until finally all that I can do is that to stand in silence doing exactly nothing. Because the more I tried to fix it, the worse it become. My fight seems endless.

This evening, my mum said to me that I've changed. I know.... Sometimes, I tried to think that its okay actually but now, I don't think so. I really, really need to change. The thing is, I don't know how... I remember what my best friend had told me once, you have a choice.... The solution is there. I just need to be able to cross my heart and let go.

I trust my best friend so much. She used to know about everything but now, we had decided to put limits to our talks for some reasons. Anyway, I hate to talk to her about my current... should I say problems? whatever it is, she just hate at the mention of his name. Its because she knows perfectly well that its not right. I don't like her when she speaks about this because deep inside, I know she's right. The last thing that she said was that, "...He's happy and you're not.." Ohh.. that hurts. She was right... Damn... she is always right all this while and that's what makes me hate it.

I felt.... Insecure? LoL. It's funny because there's no reason for me to care but I just did. I just did and that's the stupid part!!! Arrrggggghhhhh.........


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That's it. This should be the last. No more about him in here and I dare to take this vow. 

Be inspired...

Look at the bigger picture.

Step back, and cease micro analysis that does not serve.

In looking at the bigger picture, it will look

much better.

The beauty of silence

"You're weird you know... You seemed to be so attracted to dark things... You love creepy, weird, scary, dark and haunted things." ------That's what they say. Well, I do. I just love things that most people are scared of. In fact, I hate things that most people love. Like, for example, Justin Bieber, Twilight, and whatever it is that is trending. Sorry for that though. When everyone seemed to love one thing, I feel like there's no space for me.

Okay, enough with it. Hmm... funny, when you wanna cry, but not a single tears wants to drop. Trust me, it hurts to cry silently behind the sweetest smile you could afford. I'd rather screamed to the heaviest tears I could give out than being this way. Unsure, puzzled, pretending, believing, discouraged, trusting, caring, ignored, lying, worrying, holding back and everything! I wonder am I the only one? It's funny that things like this cannot be shared. Not even to your closest one.

"It's stupid that I had chose to carry this load", my rational mind told me. But, I guess, this is my cross. It's funny that what burdens me is not my problem but actually its others. I guess that's what God is trying to teach me. What it's like to carry the cross. Like really carrying it wholeheartedly. Love is the fuel in this journey. And its not really a roller coaster journey. You think its that easy to make sacrifice? That's my theme for this year though. Nope, it's not. It's full of hurts, rejection, and bruises everywhere. But it doesn't feat with what Jesus had done to us of course. And I'm glad that I get what God is trying to teach me earlier. I don't hate this all of course. Though its hurting, but its beautiful. Those who never tried to understand will never see the beauty of it. The world saw it as crazy but God, He knows it all. He knows the mean of your heart and is always ready for you whenever you need Him. "Ask.. and ye shall receive..." , He promised.

Anyway, my mum called me vampire for some reason... Not because I like vampire...No no.. My elder sister called me weird... My brother called me crazy... All because I like scary things. I love to stay in the dark. Curtains closed, silence... Just me, myself and I. Why am I like this? Well... I love to seek solitaire on certain times. It doesn't really mean I hate being with people, I do love to socialize a lot, but, there are time where I don't wanna be disturbed at all. Not even with the sound of music. The feelings of just you yourself... staring blankly into space.. and you let your thoughts take you wherever it wants until you drift away... Getting lighter and lighter and finally sleep.... The best feeling.

I remember once when I walk at dawn, in the dark.. alone, listening to piano tracks... walking slowly... watching the stars... And felt the cool breeze against my skin. Hmm.... How I love to stay forever like that. There are times where I wish I could just vanish into space... I feel like I wanna leave the world the moment I have the chance to. But then, I need to get back home before any soul starts to get worried. I always get people worried. Then, get back to the mad world I'm in.

Words of strength

Fear no one except the Lord Himself.

Serve His mission faithfully with all your being.

Open your eyes to all that is good.

It surrounds you.

Be gracious of your appreciation of these gifts.

What a beautiful world in which you live!

Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

Thank You (Cover~Dedication For My Special One)

I know I'm not that talented to show off to the world, but I have shown a lot of pictures, and crappy videos of me. But I forgot, to give glory back to HIM who had created me the way I am. I might be not that much, but at least, I'm capable of a lot of things. Thanks to HIM. My success and what I have, I wouldn't have it all if it weren't because of Him. Truthfully, I am nothing without JESUS. I am empty and useless and hopeless without HIM. He saved me in many ways and give me a lot more than I needed. I ask for one, He give me ten. His help always come just in time. I couldn't count of how many miracles He had done for me. He died for me on the cross. But He was risen on the third day because He was the Messiah. I know and I believed that He is the true and living God. I'm not saying this simply by lips, but by truth and I've been through many unexplained experiences with Him. Step by step, He guide me and thought me. He raised me up when I'm down, and He never failed me. So, with all my heart, I sing to HIM...

"There is no one like YOU

There is no ONE like YOU God

All my hope is in YOU

Jesus.. Jesus.."

-Have a Blessed Good Friday-

Words of strength

Hope will turn the cold into warmth

Your weakness into strength

And your sadness into joy

What is the purpose of life?

Recently, I've been wondering, what is the purpose of life? Is it merely to just to enjoy everything? To be successful and well known to the entire face of the earth? Some say "To Live Is to Love". Really? Is it all about love?

Everyone has a vary perspective on life. Some agree with that and some argue with this. That's human... sometimes even the simplest thing in the world could cause issues just because the differences of perspectives. Why did this happen? It happen because we all wanted to be listened not listening. Once, people invent the motto, "Voice out" to encourage people to speak their ideas. But the mistake is, when everyone is speaking, then who will listen?

Okay, get back to the topic, what is the purpose of life? We all understands that life has to be meaningful. Something that couldn't be wasted and something that only can we have once. It's something that couldn't be revised.

I'd like to believe that, human is the most lucky living creature in the entire universe. Why? Because, only human was given a chance by God to choose. To think on their own and to make decisions. Jesus died on the cross for human sins not cat's sins. Human is the only creature that is given a chance to repent. We sinned a lot of times but still be forgiven when we repent. How lucky we are?

I believe that we live to learn something. There's something from within that we are yet to learn. Something meaningful. I also believe that it's different for each person. I imagined life as an exam or a treasure hunt where we, human, are searching here and there, up and down for the light of the truth. Some succeed, some stumbled in the middle. It's a dark maze, messy, twisty, and rough. Some succeed and win the battle because of faith while the others fail themselves.

I still think that I'm lost. But I already got someone walking beside me telling me where I should go and that person is Jesus. "have faith in Him and you shall find the way.."

I'm lost... I think

Ohh... how I miss blogging! My life these days are so packed that it doesn't allows me to have a lil time even just for sleep! Huh!

I felt a lot like the illustration. Like something lost in the middle of the desert of Sahara because it wanted to. I wanted to look for a way but are too scared to get back on the path. I wasn't scared of the obstacles, but actually I fear that I can't tolerate with the people on my way. So, instead of wondering around looking for a way, I sat on a stone waiting for I don't know what. Of course, being in the desert wasn't easy. The heat... and of course it doesn't felt right to be lost especially when you know it. So now, basically I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, and what's going on! I can't define what status I'm currently in! Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I happy? or what??? When I tried to think deeply about what's actually inside of me, I found that I seem to be mad, sad, scared but somehow happy. Its a weird mixture! Am I in love? Well... maybe I'm missing someone that I couldn't reach. Its so sad to think back all the mistakes that I made. There's too much of them.

Yes, I have to be strong. Wherever I go, seeking for advice's, one would say, "Be strong girl, no ones perfect. Everyone had made mistakes. That's what makes human.". If that's what makes human, I don't know what to think. Because I know, I'm one of those people who always longed for perfection and couldn't live a day without correcting the mistakes.

What kind of mistakes? Well, it is for me to keep. Some people know it, some don't. They were scattered unto different people like pieces of puzzles. Though its been bad and rough, God is good. He still give me joy through a lot of sources. He give me strength and guidance and He never left me even just for a second!

I can, and I'm sure I know how to make things right. But yet, there's a lot of sacrifices to be made. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I am ready when I get up from that stone and start looking for a way.

The Four#3: Beverly

Click.... click.... 


Hmm... what a boring night... "....and every night was the worst night ever..." said the Simple Plan. I arranged my headset, its been hours I sit in front of my lap top doing useless crap.

I look at my bookmarks. I click,  blogger dashboard... stats... overview.... Impressive... I thought. I click the new post button.

5 minutes passed and I found my self still staring at the monitor. Blank. Hmm.... what topic?


My eyes eyeing the tabs... facebook... facebook? Duh... what a boring place. But I found my self clicking the tab. Notifications, 7... online chats, 81. I click the notifications, Jessie also commented on Lily's... Andy like you photo... Jenny poked you... and the others were game requests. I click the online chats friends. No one was online on the special friends list. Duh.... what should I do next?

I found my self scrolling down dozens lists of unknowns. They've been my friends in here for so long but none of them I really know. What a waste... I thought to myself.

Andy...
Emmet...
Genevi...
....
....
....


None of them were really my friends.

Jason...
Jazzezie...
Kem Siput...
Kent...


Hmm.... Kent? Sounds familiar. Where did I hear that name? Something random? No, not really... It comes from something kinda important.. What? From who did I heard that name? Think Bev... Think!

I look at his picture, its a picture of cat playing an electric guitar. Soon, I'm already at his profile. Digging deeper... I look at the pictures. Eyeing the peoples.. unknown... I thought. I look at his statuses, reading the comments. Some comments were from the unknowns but some were my classmates. They seem to be pretty close with the guy. Somehow.... I don't know who he is!

I lay my back. Resting... with a frown. Where did I hear his name? I look at his picture, trying to recall on what occasion could I've met this guy. Who could have been there. Hmm...

Suddenly, a flash came to my mind. The clearest in my memory was Varrelene. We were all laughing. We're teasing someone. I remember Varrelene saying, "Oops, lets not tease her, we might get killed by daddy Kent.. hahaha!!". We were all so happy.


Okay, I'm almost there... Think harder... who are we teasing?

Then, another flash, a notebook. I found the notebook inside someone's drawer. I opened it and saw a family chart. And bang! There it is, Kent was in the chart and his partner was Clare! When Clare saw me, she quickly grabbed the notebook. But she was late. I get to read everything she writes on every corner. I started teasing her and Varrelene saw what was happening. I told Varrelene that Clare got secret inside the notebook she's holding and we both started to chase her. I told Varrelene what I read anyway and we all started to joke around happily. Clare wasn't really offended, just blushed. Days after that, we tried to make Clare to admit that she loves the guy and finally she did. But that was two years ago.

I smiled... Hah... good times..


I click his name on the list and type, "Hi...".

He replied, "Hey there... :)"

"wassup?"

We chat for minutes and I finally said.

"Do you happen to know Clare?"


"Yeah... I know the girl. Why?"


I went on telling him what happened two years ago. He seemed cool. Who cares anyway? that was two years ago... I thought.

I checked the online lists again. Clare!


I quickly clicked her name.

"Hey, I just chatted with Kent and I mention you!"


I waited.... No response... I add again.

"Hello???? Anybody there?"


Still.. No response.

"Geez... where r u?", "Testing.....", "1", "2", "3...."


I look at her signal. Still green. Hmm... what's wrong with her? Is she mad??.. Finally, I said

"Okay, you're not there so we talked about this tomorrow K..." , "Goodnight and have a beautiful nightmare!".


I 'X' Clare's chatbox and click the lists again. Sherlyn was online. Its such a boring night. Hmm... arh... just share lah about Vin Diesel to her. I greet her and share a link to Vin's page. Though she doesn't seem to care but so what? It's not a pain trying to share anyway wasn't it? 5 minutes after that I go offline.

Sleep time....

*********************************

Shit... where the heck is the bus?


Though its still 6.15 am, I'm already worried. At this hour, most buses would be full and I hate it. As I wait, my minds rear...

What's wrong with Clare last night? She never act that way to me before. Was she mad? Why? What did I do? I tried to recall my conversation with Kent last night. It was nothing so why the heck would someone get mad about it? Did I intrude her privacy? But that was two years ago! LOL.. She's crazy if she does. And Sherlyn? She didn't reply me either. Shit, was everyone was having a bad day? Hey, I'm having a bad day either and didn't ignore anybody. What's wrong with them? I remembered the text message I received last night. It was an unknown number. I almost breakdown when I read them but I managed to control myself. It says---

'Tititt!! titiitt!!!"

My thought end there. Here comes the bus....




********************************


Who the heck leave rubbish on my table! Ughh!


"Hi Bev...." I look up, Sally was there.

"Morning Sal.." and I smiled.

Then Sherlyn came. "Hey Bev... I'm late."

"Yeah, I can see that.. why?"

She went on explaining what happened. I saw Clare, she's late too.

"Kringggg!!" The bell rings.

Clare give a sly smile when I smiled to her. Hmm... that's cold.. She went out immediately after she drop her bag on her seat. I waited for Sherlyn and we went to the hall together.

As we walked, I asked her about the link I gave her last night and went on telling story about Vin. Obviously, she really wasn't interested. Clare was walking in front of me, I really need to talk to her. Now!

I run towards her. I put my arms on her shoulder and give her a warm greetings.

"Happy Monday Clare.. Where were you last night?"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry that I didn't get to reply you last night. I was sneaking cause I want to send a message to Leela." She said.

"Oh really? What message?"

"Just a message." She smiled to me.

"Okay... private I see. Hey, are you mad at me?"

"Huh? about what?"

"Last night......


To be continued........


Previously...
The Four#1: Clare's point of view
The Four#2: Sherlyn's point of view

This story was a total made up so don't freak out okay :)

Find strength in your hectic life

Hey there! It's been busy these days... Just as the school reopened, tons of work came rushing in! Fuhh... But I'm not complaining. Instead, I'm quiet happy with it!

See that face? Yep... That's what I wear everyday. Trying to smile even though there were so much unexplained pain and thoughts+all the works, but yet, I'm so happy with this life. Knowing that there's still people who will support me and will be there whenever  I need them. I just need to ask! Well.. that's my problem. Sometimes, I tend to do things on my own as though there's no one to turned to where actually everyone was there for me! Sometimes, it makes me think,"Oh God... what am I trying to prove? That I can do everything on my own?" where the truth is, you can't do it all on your own! That's why God created Eve in the first place, because He don't want Adam to be alone. He knows, that its not good to be alone. Same goes to us! God doesn't like us to be alone. So, lets make use of every blessings that had been given to us! Don't waste anything even if its just one tiny bit because everything that had been given to us was given for a reason and they are really useful... believe me.

By the way, I'd like it more to be busy than bored. When you are busy, you learn so much thing and most of it you learn all at once. Whereas during boring days, where all you do is sit around imagining.. Grr... I could get a migraine because of that. It makes me feel like I could commit suicide in any second..LOL. I'm a think-too-much kind of person. That's why, my mood could easily changed and I could easily get depressed. Usually, my kind of people always wants a vivid vision for everything. That's why, it seems like all the times we always wants answers for everything. Not only that, it need to be very clear too. If not, we couldn't sleep thinking about it the whole night!

Anyway, since its a new year... I know everyone is busy. Some get stressed already... My advice is, no matter how hectic your life is, squeeze some moments with God. Pray.... ask and you will receive.. That's His promise...:)

Words of strength

Do you ever find yourself lonely? In the need of a friend to

talk to and no one can be found? There's One who's

been waiting to hear from you... Jesus.

My Dilemma

"You make me so upset sometimes

I feel like I could lose my mind

The conversation goes nowhere

'Cause you're never gonna take me there

And I know what I know

I know you're no good for me

And I know it's not meant to be

Here's my dilemma 

When half of me wants you

And the other half wants to forget

From the moment I met you

I just can't get you out of my head

I tell myself to run from you

But I found myself attracted to you..

I could live without you

Your smile

Your eyes

I could live without you

But I don't wanna..

When we are together

We can do whatever

Be whoever we like

Spend the weekend 

And I hope you don't mind

If you stay by my side..."