Twisted thoughts

Hello people! Yepp... I miss you all! I miss sharing my thoughts with you all. Lately everything is crammed right inside this head. Time was so jealous with me that it didn't allow me write.. .pergghh...! Anyways, first of all, I want to thank you all that even though this blog was static for months you are still faithful to visit. Thank you!!!


Anyway, sorry, no tips, no nothing this time. I'm a bit confused my self lately that I can't think straight! I can't really study well too. Ooh.. what a shame. The only thing that's on my mind is that, "Beverly, fix yourself!". Why? Well.. for some reasons, I'm kinda broken. Broken in many unexplained ways. Not because I was being cheated by my boyfriend nor I was being dumped or something. No, no... I don't have a boyfriend how the heck was that even possible.. LOL.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything was so perfect in your life.? You have a successful life, happy family, awesome friends, but yet, there is this little doubts in you that keeps on telling you that something was not right. That's what happen to me now. I spent a hell lot of time figuring out what is  wrong but yet, the more I search, the bigger the doubts. I wonder, with this life that I'm currently in, I just can't stop my self for being grateful with everything. But yet, there's something in me that believes that something was going perfectly wrong. I don't have anything big to worry about other than my 'Going Down' performance in school which for some reasons doesn't really bother me because I know, It's still early man. I can still work on blast to fix it in time. At least that's what I believe.

It's funny how something that was so perfect in the surface makes you believe that something was wrong. Let's put it like this, I'm in a middle of a dilemma on what to believe. Referring to the source of doubts, I believe that everything goes perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about. But, the world and my heart believes that what I heard, is not what it seems. I really wanted to believe what I try to believe but somehow, I know the trouble was there. I wish I could trust my brain but my feelings is overtaking my common sense. My intuition says differently and it sent me wondering for answers everywhere. I ask for advice's and opinions from trusted, experienced, and elder people and they also believe what actually me my self believe. But yet, I'm still very, very confused. I really wanted to know the answers but yet, I can't lie to my self that I enjoyed the thrill. Its funny how I called, confused, hurts and tears as THRILL.


And the only thing they kept on saying is that, WAIT AND SEE. Wait? Huhh.. Wait. Truth is, I'm dying of waiting and believing. As a matter of fact, I'm not really a very patient person and this all is challenging my patience. I could a get heart attack with this all.LOL. But yet, I can't stop smiling at the thought of it. Everything is so weird... Not to mention the stupid omens my intuition keeps on showing. Like dreams... Strong feelings on something and ugghh.. I just can't explain.

But whatever it is... I'll just believe in this, "It's not what you think it is okay. It's what it shows and that's it. Accept it Bev and again, FIX YOURSELF." It tear my heart actually but that's it. Anyway, just a thought, How can you fix if you don't know what's broken? o.O

Words Of Strength

Never regret or dwells on yesterday's

mistakes or decisions.

They are part of the learning curve

that is called life. The greatest gift you can give yourself

is to start each day anew taking what

you have learned from yesterday, putting it

to good use today, and bettering yourself

and your life with it tomorrow.

I'm tired

"I'm tired of crying

I'm of tired yelling

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of remembering

I'm tired of missing things

I'm tired of being different 

I'm tired of missing people

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have

But most of all, I'm tired of being tired...."

What is the benefit of being in convent school

Good day earthlings! Today, I would like to bring the topic of "What is the benefit of being in Convent school".


As far as I'm concerned, about 70% student's don't want to be in convent school. Once, a friend says to me, "Oh... you're in convent school? How terrible!". When she says this, I don't know how to respond.LOL. I don't know whether to agree or to fight back. Well, before that, let me tell a bit about my school. My school's name is SMK St.Cecilia Convent. It was located in a town namely Sandakan which is in Sabah, Malaysia. My school was one of the only two convent school in this town. The other one is SMK Perempuan.

Now, let me tell what cause me to bring up this topic. Lately, me and one of my best friend, Varrelene been talking about moving school. She tells me of how she misses of being in mixed school. Yeah, me too, I miss the atmosphere should I say A LOT! I remember years back, man, I even cry when my mum decided to put  me in convent school. I feel like my world just fall apart! Until I even decided that I wanted to stop schooling! Yeah, we broke into a fight as we always do. I even remember my sobbing face going into the Principal room with my mum to sign me in.

What makes it so bad being in convent school? Well, I always heard rumors that convent school is full of lesbian. Some says the student in convent school were rude and bullies. Grr... it creeps me out! I'm so scared.. and sad! On my first day in school, I was totally in culture shock! The atmosphere were all new to me. The people... the way they behave.. and I still even remember that I can't even find the toilet! I'm scared to ask. I found the toilet on March which is the third month of me being there. It feels so weird not seeing the boys around playing and laughing teasing the girls. For months, I live my life questioning God of why the heck did He put me in there? Is this His ways of punishing me? I still remember of how hard it is for me to make friends and how difficult it is for me to accept the culture in there. But God has His own plans for me. When I discovered this, I really praise God for putting me in there.

God wants me to change my way. In here, I learn a lot about Christianity and I got a chance to serve in Church ministry. By being in here, I also manage to scrape my ego and learn to respect my friends. I still remember my Diva life when I was in elementary school where I can do whatever I like on my friends like they were some slave or what. I shout at them and tell them to do this and that. I can chose who to be my friends and who shall be isolated. I don't really know why do they listen to me. Maybe its because I'm a top student or maybe they are scared of me? I don't know. Anyway, in my high school, I cannot do that. In here, everyone treats each other like friends though they are top students or not, pretty or not, rich or not, everyone were treated in the same level. The only thing that matters is attitude. If you respect them, they will do the same for you, as simple as that.

On my second year of being in the convent school, I started to notice the benefit of it. Here are they...

1.I'm free to wear what I like!
Doesn't mean that I can wear whatever outfit I like to school. Of course we wear uniform like what normal students in Malaysia should. What I'm trying to say is, in my school, I wouldn't have to care much of how did my uniform looked like. Ironed or not, or even short! Sometimes, some students didn't even buttoned their uniform properly or some didn't even zipped their uniform! And the good thing is that, no one cares!

Me in pinafore(school uniform)

Sometimes we forgot to wear singlet to school but it never was a big matter! Of course, it is against the rules, but apart from that, we got nothing else to worry about. My pinafore is above my knees, which is considered shorts but I still wear them. I've been wearing it for almost four years now. Well, who cares? Yes, of course I'll get trouble if I get caught by the discipline teacher but well... Of course, there are male teachers exists, but there were only few of them.

If in mixed schools, the first thing that normal girls would think of before they wear anything is that, "Umm... Do I look good? Will I get teased by the boys later?" or, "Am I attractive or look beautiful in this?". Well... normal actions. In here, well yeah... whatever, as long as I'm not wearing my birthday suite, lets rock the school!




2. Less conflict
This is what I adore the most in convent school. I still remember when I was in elementary school, the 'He, She' conflict is very famous and eventually would always be the hottest topic of the day. I miss it though but you wouldn't imagine of how wonderful and peaceful life is without it. If its already like that in elementary, imagine how worst it would be in high schools. Everyday, "You know what.. he... bla.. bla.. bla.. bla.... and she... bla... bla....". Well, we did talk about this in school but it is different. We did talk about boys but usually it'll be more positive. Its hard to explain but its just different. By the way, what I noticed is that, since we know boys from outside, most of the them were different people. She talk about him and she talk about the other him. Mostly, the names we heard were very random as we heard it everyday but we usually never see the person in person. So, it is kinda hard for things like two persons liking the same person to happen. It does happen but in a very few cases.

3. We can be ourselves!
I still remember of how I controlled my self much when I was in mixed school. The way I'm talking,the way I'm behaving and the way I'm dressing, everything counts! But in here, since we got nobody to impress, well yeah! I never really have to worry about my hair, of how loud I'm laughing and so on. I wouldn't even have to worry of how the way I'm sitting! Polite or not, well.... What I notice also is that, when we were outside of the school, we looked so matured and often mistaken as an adult. But when we were in the school, well, you can see a whole bunch of kindergarten but in bigger size. LOL. We are ourselves. We never have to worry about judgement from people cause we're all the same, we are what we are.

And lastly is that we appreciate boys more...
Girls and boys is often like cats and dogs and this we know. Everyday, the boys would always pissed the girls. And whenever the girls had a chance, they would also do the same. But girls, when the boys are finally not around, you'll realize of how lonely the world is. Yes, girls friends are fun, of course maa... But the fun you'll have with the boys is different. Trust me, you'll miss their annoying joke. Of course I'm still pissed if they tease me, but yet, its something that you'll miss. So whenever we got a chance to be with boys, we are more happy than it is when see them everyday.


So convent girls... be positive! Being in convent school is not really that bad like what they said. Lesbian? Of course they're around but don't think in mixed schools they don't exist! By the way, I don't really saw lesbians in my school though..o.O Maybe its because I never paid any attention to such case. Keep in mind that, whatever happens, It was all depending on you.

Sincerely.....

"If the hero never comes to you

If you need someone you're feeling blue

If you're away from love and you're alone

If you call your friends and nobody's home

You can run away but you can't hide

Through a storm and a lonely night

Then I show there's a destiny

The best things in life

They're free...

But if you wanna cry

Cry on my shoulder

If you need someone who cares for you

If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder

I'll show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey..

Let me know...

There's a place in heaven where we'll go

If heaven is a million years away

Just call me and I make your day

When the nights are getting cold and blue

When the days are getting hard for you

I will always stay here by your side

I promise you I'll never hide..."

Texting versus calling

Recently, I've been wondering of which one is better? Texting or calling? I never thought of it much before until I met a friend who really have trouble talking on the phone especially to girls. There's my friend, he'd been asking my number once. The first weird thing that I noticed is that, after he asked for my number he didn't call afterwards. What he do? He texted a month after he asked for my number. LOL. Usually, after we asked for a number, we would call to confirm whether we've been given the right number or not right?

Soon after that, we've been living a friendship through text messages for like the whole time. It's a another weird thing for me because I never had a textmate before who never even once tried to call me after such a long friendship through text messages. Texting is good, I like it, but for once in a while, a call sometimes is needed even for just 5 minutes in once a month. Why? To confirm that we are talking to human. LOL. A girl or a boy, everyone I had heard their voice except for this one friend. I've been waiting for his call, sometimes, I feel like calling but of course, its not appropriate for a girl to call a guy. It could be misinterpreted as something else. Anyway, after a while, I find it was comfortable talking to him about anything through text messages. I feel like he was my bestfriend until one day, when we decided to hangout, I hear his voice for the first time(over the phone). I was surprised of what a stranger he was! The tone of his voice was so far from what I thought it was supposed to be! And to tell the truth, it kinda scared me. Not soon after that, I finally asked him of why he never called? Just then I know that he don't like calling. He have trouble talking over the phone because he fear that he don't know what to say. When he told me this, I was like, "okayy..." and looked over the ceiling. LOL. Is there such things? To me that time, if you have a voice and you can speak, then why should it be such a trouble to talk over the phone? After all, its just talking. So I made a survey over my friends and made some researches and yes, there are such things. 

I always encouraged him to call his girlfriend if he really wish to reduce the awkwardness between the two of them. Living a relationship through text messages is sweet, yes, but if you live your life receiving text, then reply and so on the whole day everyday, then it's almost the same with dating a machine. You are dating the cellphone not the human. You need to hear the person's voice and if can, meet and hangout to remind you that you are with a human being not some generated robot who is emotionless. Take this illustration, reading a novel versus watching movies, which is more alive? When you read a novel, it is not really straight forward because the messages isn't really vivid though it explained everything(literally) because every person have a vary imagination. Unlike movies, everything is really vivid. The situation+sound+emotion all in one clear message.

My opinion is that, texting is important to make the relationship going while calling is important to make the relationship alive. Both needed to be balanced.

Anyway, in this post, I'd like to include 7 reasons of why text messages is better than phone call... 

1) Because you can actually think about what you’re going to say.
Hand me a telephone, and I will say something stupid into it. Hand me a telephone with someone I like on the other end, and I will say something really stupid.

With a text, you can plan, and yes, even revise.

2) Because phone calls can be painfully awkward.
Even if you have perfect elocution, a great speaking voice, and fantastic oratorical skills, factors such as poor cell-phone reception or other interruptions (another call, an ambulance driving by, a barking dog) can lead to uncomfortable interruptions. There’s nothing worse than speaking to someone on the phone for the first time and having to continually say “Wait–what? Sorry, can you hear me? Wait, hold on, walking by construction site…” over and over.

3) Because a good text message will say a lot about a person.
A perfect text message requires wit, brevity, and flirtation. A good texter is smart, sharp, and good with words. Additionally, someone who uses unnecessary text abbreviations, or, god help him, emoticons is immediately ruled out as a potential love interest.

4) Because texting can be great foreplay. 
It’s a prolonged flirtation that can span the course of the week or day leading up to a date.

5) Because there is nothing sexy about a perfunctory “let’s set up a date” call.

Sure, a phone call is “to the point”, and on a purely utilitarian level more efficient than texting when it comes to making plans. But are you really looking for “efficiency” in your dating life? You call to quickly make an appointment with your dentist, not with your date.

6) Because a text lets you write what you’re too shy to say.

Sometimes, especially during the early stages of dating, it can be hard to straight out say the things you’re feeling, especially if you’re unsure of how it will be reciprocated. A “You looked beautiful last night” or “I had an amazing time with you” the next morning is a safe (and always appreciated!) way of doing this.

7) Because a text is forever.
I usually don’t swoon at phone calls, but if I get an excellently crafted text, I will save that thing forever, and pull it up and read it again and again.

Even so, I still think that phone call is still needed. That's my opinions. What's yours?

 *copied from the date report

Anyway, I wish you all...

In advance.... cheers! :)

The Four#3: Beverly

Click.... click.... 


Hmm... what a boring night... "....and every night was the worst night ever..." said the Simple Plan. I arranged my headset, its been hours I sit in front of my lap top doing useless crap.

I look at my bookmarks. I click,  blogger dashboard... stats... overview.... Impressive... I thought. I click the new post button.

5 minutes passed and I found my self still staring at the monitor. Blank. Hmm.... what topic?


My eyes eyeing the tabs... facebook... facebook? Duh... what a boring place. But I found my self clicking the tab. Notifications, 7... online chats, 81. I click the notifications, Jessie also commented on Lily's... Andy like you photo... Jenny poked you... and the others were game requests. I click the online chats friends. No one was online on the special friends list. Duh.... what should I do next?

I found my self scrolling down dozens lists of unknowns. They've been my friends in here for so long but none of them I really know. What a waste... I thought to myself.

Andy...
Emmet...
Genevi...
....
....
....


None of them were really my friends.

Jason...
Jazzezie...
Kem Siput...
Kent...


Hmm.... Kent? Sounds familiar. Where did I hear that name? Something random? No, not really... It comes from something kinda important.. What? From who did I heard that name? Think Bev... Think!

I look at his picture, its a picture of cat playing an electric guitar. Soon, I'm already at his profile. Digging deeper... I look at the pictures. Eyeing the peoples.. unknown... I thought. I look at his statuses, reading the comments. Some comments were from the unknowns but some were my classmates. They seem to be pretty close with the guy. Somehow.... I don't know who he is!

I lay my back. Resting... with a frown. Where did I hear his name? I look at his picture, trying to recall on what occasion could I've met this guy. Who could have been there. Hmm...

Suddenly, a flash came to my mind. The clearest in my memory was Varrelene. We were all laughing. We're teasing someone. I remember Varrelene saying, "Oops, lets not tease her, we might get killed by daddy Kent.. hahaha!!". We were all so happy.


Okay, I'm almost there... Think harder... who are we teasing?

Then, another flash, a notebook. I found the notebook inside someone's drawer. I opened it and saw a family chart. And bang! There it is, Kent was in the chart and his partner was Clare! When Clare saw me, she quickly grabbed the notebook. But she was late. I get to read everything she writes on every corner. I started teasing her and Varrelene saw what was happening. I told Varrelene that Clare got secret inside the notebook she's holding and we both started to chase her. I told Varrelene what I read anyway and we all started to joke around happily. Clare wasn't really offended, just blushed. Days after that, we tried to make Clare to admit that she loves the guy and finally she did. But that was two years ago.

I smiled... Hah... good times..


I click his name on the list and type, "Hi...".

He replied, "Hey there... :)"

"wassup?"

We chat for minutes and I finally said.

"Do you happen to know Clare?"


"Yeah... I know the girl. Why?"


I went on telling him what happened two years ago. He seemed cool. Who cares anyway? that was two years ago... I thought.

I checked the online lists again. Clare!


I quickly clicked her name.

"Hey, I just chatted with Kent and I mention you!"


I waited.... No response... I add again.

"Hello???? Anybody there?"


Still.. No response.

"Geez... where r u?", "Testing.....", "1", "2", "3...."


I look at her signal. Still green. Hmm... what's wrong with her? Is she mad??.. Finally, I said

"Okay, you're not there so we talked about this tomorrow K..." , "Goodnight and have a beautiful nightmare!".


I 'X' Clare's chatbox and click the lists again. Sherlyn was online. Its such a boring night. Hmm... arh... just share lah about Vin Diesel to her. I greet her and share a link to Vin's page. Though she doesn't seem to care but so what? It's not a pain trying to share anyway wasn't it? 5 minutes after that I go offline.

Sleep time....

*********************************

Shit... where the heck is the bus?


Though its still 6.15 am, I'm already worried. At this hour, most buses would be full and I hate it. As I wait, my minds rear...

What's wrong with Clare last night? She never act that way to me before. Was she mad? Why? What did I do? I tried to recall my conversation with Kent last night. It was nothing so why the heck would someone get mad about it? Did I intrude her privacy? But that was two years ago! LOL.. She's crazy if she does. And Sherlyn? She didn't reply me either. Shit, was everyone was having a bad day? Hey, I'm having a bad day either and didn't ignore anybody. What's wrong with them? I remembered the text message I received last night. It was an unknown number. I almost breakdown when I read them but I managed to control myself. It says---

'Tititt!! titiitt!!!"

My thought end there. Here comes the bus....




********************************


Who the heck leave rubbish on my table! Ughh!


"Hi Bev...." I look up, Sally was there.

"Morning Sal.." and I smiled.

Then Sherlyn came. "Hey Bev... I'm late."

"Yeah, I can see that.. why?"

She went on explaining what happened. I saw Clare, she's late too.

"Kringggg!!" The bell rings.

Clare give a sly smile when I smiled to her. Hmm... that's cold.. She went out immediately after she drop her bag on her seat. I waited for Sherlyn and we went to the hall together.

As we walked, I asked her about the link I gave her last night and went on telling story about Vin. Obviously, she really wasn't interested. Clare was walking in front of me, I really need to talk to her. Now!

I run towards her. I put my arms on her shoulder and give her a warm greetings.

"Happy Monday Clare.. Where were you last night?"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry that I didn't get to reply you last night. I was sneaking cause I want to send a message to Leela." She said.

"Oh really? What message?"

"Just a message." She smiled to me.

"Okay... private I see. Hey, are you mad at me?"

"Huh? about what?"

"Last night......


To be continued........


Previously...
The Four#1: Clare's point of view
The Four#2: Sherlyn's point of view

This story was a total made up so don't freak out okay :)

Can a boy and a girl be just friends?

Many asks, can a boy and a girl be just friends? In my opinions, definitely, NO. Being just bestfriends? That's bullshit. No matter how you pretend, sooner or later, one must fall in love into another. Its just time who will decide how soon you will notice what you actually feel for the person.

Being close with the other sex is like playing with fire. You are daring yourself to love the person. Though at first you think its impossible that you could be in love with the person for in your opinion, he/she is only a nice friend. It could actually turn your life into a real deep shit when you find out that you were in love with the person. Especially when the person already had someone special in their heart while you were there stuck in between your feelings and your friendship. When you came to this, you had to decide, which one to lose? If you choose to confess, you could lose your wonderful friendship while if you choose your friendship, you had to be ready to bleed your heart every single day. Bad isn't it?

Some doesn't believe this. They said, "we've been friends for years and there's nothing came between us." Yeah, I believe you. For some people, its kinda slow for them to notice their feelings. Factors? maybe you saw the person everyday? You never lose contact with him/her and the person seems to be always there for you. But, take that you suddenly didn't see the person for like few weeks or months. The person just suddenly poof! If you are a girl and your bestfriend was a girl, you'll find it'll be much easier to let go. But take that if you are a girl, and your bestfriend was a boy, you'll find that you'll gonna miss him like hell. When this happens, notice that, you are in love.

I'm not saying that having a bestfriend from the opposite sex is a bad thing to do. Yes, I know, for girls they like to have a guy bestfriend because they were understanding, easy going and not emotional. When you need friend to be harsh and rude, a guy is a good place to do it. Its something that you just can't do with a girl bestfriend for they'll remember every single thing and words you said that hurt them. And its something you can't do either with your boyfriend for they'll take it as you're trying to break up with him. Complicated isn't it? Well... that's life.

Still, many like to do some stunts. They say, "we're just friends". But I got plenty of proofs from the experiences of the people around me who once said that they're "just bestfriends" but none seemed to end up as a "BFF(Best Friend Forever)". They end up as a couple, married or enemy. The once upon a time the most wonderful friendship suddenly became the coldest. Even colder than Antarctica that even the inferno can't break the ice. 

Practically, I'm not really sure what we can actually do in order to prevent this. The only way is to pray. Just leave it all to God. He'll know what to do... Amen...

Inspiring...

Looking into the mirror...

Lately, it seems like the only words that can came out of my mouth is that.."I'm tired.....". Yes... I'm tired of my self... With everything going on(deep breaths)...Hahhh.... I'm tired... Just tired...

I remember the first person that I tell my problem to.. It was 2th of January when I get back to Sandakan. Things starts hitting me one by one just as I arrived home. Since I got no one to talk to, and since I was texting to a friend, I blurted out everything that was going on. Guess how S'he responds... It broked my heart... Its like S'he doesn't even care! S'he just continued S'hi's so called interesting and nonsense  stories(S'he think) like I was saying nothing!

Its so hard when you got no one to turn to when things hit you all at once. The person you hoped would care and the person whom you hoped will soothe you when things get rough turned their back just as you're about to fall.

Now, when I looked in the mirror, I can see the girl in it saying to me "you're pathetic..". I started to hate my self. I care for these people so much.. I help them.. I'm always there when things get rough(I think) but them in return, won't even lend me a second and a pair of ears to just to listen to me! That's what I need! Someone to listen to me and someone who'll understand! I might be somebody, but its still a pity to know that I am nobody in anybody's heart.

I know... just who am I right? But did I ever counted all the pains they caused to me? No! I just kept it all in me. Everything is inside me and I got no one to share my 'pain' with. Maybe I did, but maybe I just don't trust them. Or maybe I had shared it but they just doesn't seem to care. I listen to them, I think for them.. I tried to help solving their issues... But why? Why can't just any of them... Just one... Willing to do the same for me?

But without knowing it, someone does care. Someone is watching but I never realized it. Never even thought that there are still few's(who remember) who read my blog. Thanks though.. You read it... Then you are listening...

A friend that I walked with from school today suddenly said to me, "In class before, I saw pain behind your smile.. are you okay?"(summarized). Aww.. isn't that the sweetest thing? When even my bestfriend who was sitting beside me didn't notice, someone did saw it from across the room! I asked her, "how did you know what I was thinking?"... She said, "you told me yesterday about this and that... I understand..". What a miracle! I Praise the Lord for letting me know that there are people who still care and watching me..Amen.

But yet... I'm tired... Not tired of all the homework's or activities, but tired of the battles inside me. I don't know when will it stop but the truth is... I'm tired... Just tired...


("S'he" is a code I used to hide the person's genre.)