Twisted thoughts

Hello people! Yepp... I miss you all! I miss sharing my thoughts with you all. Lately everything is crammed right inside this head. Time was so jealous with me that it didn't allow me write.. .pergghh...! Anyways, first of all, I want to thank you all that even though this blog was static for months you are still faithful to visit. Thank you!!!


Anyway, sorry, no tips, no nothing this time. I'm a bit confused my self lately that I can't think straight! I can't really study well too. Ooh.. what a shame. The only thing that's on my mind is that, "Beverly, fix yourself!". Why? Well.. for some reasons, I'm kinda broken. Broken in many unexplained ways. Not because I was being cheated by my boyfriend nor I was being dumped or something. No, no... I don't have a boyfriend how the heck was that even possible.. LOL.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything was so perfect in your life.? You have a successful life, happy family, awesome friends, but yet, there is this little doubts in you that keeps on telling you that something was not right. That's what happen to me now. I spent a hell lot of time figuring out what is  wrong but yet, the more I search, the bigger the doubts. I wonder, with this life that I'm currently in, I just can't stop my self for being grateful with everything. But yet, there's something in me that believes that something was going perfectly wrong. I don't have anything big to worry about other than my 'Going Down' performance in school which for some reasons doesn't really bother me because I know, It's still early man. I can still work on blast to fix it in time. At least that's what I believe.

It's funny how something that was so perfect in the surface makes you believe that something was wrong. Let's put it like this, I'm in a middle of a dilemma on what to believe. Referring to the source of doubts, I believe that everything goes perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about. But, the world and my heart believes that what I heard, is not what it seems. I really wanted to believe what I try to believe but somehow, I know the trouble was there. I wish I could trust my brain but my feelings is overtaking my common sense. My intuition says differently and it sent me wondering for answers everywhere. I ask for advice's and opinions from trusted, experienced, and elder people and they also believe what actually me my self believe. But yet, I'm still very, very confused. I really wanted to know the answers but yet, I can't lie to my self that I enjoyed the thrill. Its funny how I called, confused, hurts and tears as THRILL.


And the only thing they kept on saying is that, WAIT AND SEE. Wait? Huhh.. Wait. Truth is, I'm dying of waiting and believing. As a matter of fact, I'm not really a very patient person and this all is challenging my patience. I could a get heart attack with this all.LOL. But yet, I can't stop smiling at the thought of it. Everything is so weird... Not to mention the stupid omens my intuition keeps on showing. Like dreams... Strong feelings on something and ugghh.. I just can't explain.

But whatever it is... I'll just believe in this, "It's not what you think it is okay. It's what it shows and that's it. Accept it Bev and again, FIX YOURSELF." It tear my heart actually but that's it. Anyway, just a thought, How can you fix if you don't know what's broken? o.O

Words Of Strength

Never regret or dwells on yesterday's

mistakes or decisions.

They are part of the learning curve

that is called life. The greatest gift you can give yourself

is to start each day anew taking what

you have learned from yesterday, putting it

to good use today, and bettering yourself

and your life with it tomorrow.

The battle in my heart

Well.... I have a weird fish who stays under a weird stone inside a weird aquarium on the weird cupboard in a weird house. LOL. Just talking crap. Hehe.

Yepps... just by the image, depressed again. Duhh... what a life. In the outside, I smile and laugh but somewhere deep inside, I'm crying. I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of my self, and somehow, I'm tired of being hurt.

"Everyday, I do my best to ignore what I'm feeling. At first, I get along with it perfectly. I can lie about all that I'm feeling smoothly and confidently until I myself also believe that what I'm saying is actually true. Not until you appears in my dreams every time I sleep. At first, I thought it was just nothing. Just dreams. But it happened continually just every time I sleep whether it is during nighttime or daytime. I started to wondered, "What could it actually means?". But still, I ignore it. I tried so bad to ignore every possible thing that could make me think that I fall in love with you. I do and say and listen to any advice that tells me that I am not in love. Not with you! I thought it would help. But as time goes by, it seems like I can't hold it anymore. The only thing that keep rearing in my mind is that, "You're lying to yourself". It seems like everything wants me to admit it. But yet, I still keep fighting that its not true! I am not in love! I'm just confused. That's all... I can't be one of those girls who can easily fall for charm. But yet, I know, somewhere deep inside, I do. I just can't deny. I love the guy."


I remember, I was waiting for my aunt at the staircase. Usually, during times like this, I would take this chance to pray. I prayed and confess to God all that I'm feeling, my wish and glorify His work. Then, an hour passed by, my aunt is still not there. I'm out of prayers. So I decided, to sat around and think about everything. What bothers me... and the dilemma goes around a lot like this.. 


"competitions that I'm about to participate... hmm... him. Urghh... My studies... my physics... chemists.... him. Aik?? Okay.. okay... I miss my family.. I miss my old friends.. I miss.. him. Eh, eh, no, no, no...! Aishh... where the heck is my aunt?? (Imagining my aunt queuing to get into the bus) Hmm... she'll be here soon. She's probably... him."

It seems like every thought would eventually leads to him. No matter what I do he would suddenly popped out of my brain. Its like a virus! Even as I'm doing my homework, thinking critically how to solve the problems, he would suddenly popped out of my brain somewhere in the middle of my calculation. Even with a blank expression, and looked as it seems like I'm focusing with all my strength, actually, deep in me, I'm battling with my self. And when I finally couldn't stand it, I'll stop and cover my face with my hands. I wanna cry but no tears wanna come out! It hurts... it hurts a lot.

But, there is no time left to regret! I just have to hold on. Maybe this time, I'll truly understands the meaning of sacrifice. My theme for this year. 

Words of strength

You are perfect just the way you are.

This isn't to say that you are finished,

only that you are well on your way.

Yet, for this time, this place, wherever you may be in life

you are still perfect, every step of the way.

Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

I'm tired

"I'm tired of crying

I'm of tired yelling

I'm tired of being sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of remembering

I'm tired of missing things

I'm tired of being different 

I'm tired of missing people

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of wishing I could start all over

I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have

But most of all, I'm tired of being tired...."

The Four#3: Beverly

Click.... click.... 


Hmm... what a boring night... "....and every night was the worst night ever..." said the Simple Plan. I arranged my headset, its been hours I sit in front of my lap top doing useless crap.

I look at my bookmarks. I click,  blogger dashboard... stats... overview.... Impressive... I thought. I click the new post button.

5 minutes passed and I found my self still staring at the monitor. Blank. Hmm.... what topic?


My eyes eyeing the tabs... facebook... facebook? Duh... what a boring place. But I found my self clicking the tab. Notifications, 7... online chats, 81. I click the notifications, Jessie also commented on Lily's... Andy like you photo... Jenny poked you... and the others were game requests. I click the online chats friends. No one was online on the special friends list. Duh.... what should I do next?

I found my self scrolling down dozens lists of unknowns. They've been my friends in here for so long but none of them I really know. What a waste... I thought to myself.

Andy...
Emmet...
Genevi...
....
....
....


None of them were really my friends.

Jason...
Jazzezie...
Kem Siput...
Kent...


Hmm.... Kent? Sounds familiar. Where did I hear that name? Something random? No, not really... It comes from something kinda important.. What? From who did I heard that name? Think Bev... Think!

I look at his picture, its a picture of cat playing an electric guitar. Soon, I'm already at his profile. Digging deeper... I look at the pictures. Eyeing the peoples.. unknown... I thought. I look at his statuses, reading the comments. Some comments were from the unknowns but some were my classmates. They seem to be pretty close with the guy. Somehow.... I don't know who he is!

I lay my back. Resting... with a frown. Where did I hear his name? I look at his picture, trying to recall on what occasion could I've met this guy. Who could have been there. Hmm...

Suddenly, a flash came to my mind. The clearest in my memory was Varrelene. We were all laughing. We're teasing someone. I remember Varrelene saying, "Oops, lets not tease her, we might get killed by daddy Kent.. hahaha!!". We were all so happy.


Okay, I'm almost there... Think harder... who are we teasing?

Then, another flash, a notebook. I found the notebook inside someone's drawer. I opened it and saw a family chart. And bang! There it is, Kent was in the chart and his partner was Clare! When Clare saw me, she quickly grabbed the notebook. But she was late. I get to read everything she writes on every corner. I started teasing her and Varrelene saw what was happening. I told Varrelene that Clare got secret inside the notebook she's holding and we both started to chase her. I told Varrelene what I read anyway and we all started to joke around happily. Clare wasn't really offended, just blushed. Days after that, we tried to make Clare to admit that she loves the guy and finally she did. But that was two years ago.

I smiled... Hah... good times..


I click his name on the list and type, "Hi...".

He replied, "Hey there... :)"

"wassup?"

We chat for minutes and I finally said.

"Do you happen to know Clare?"


"Yeah... I know the girl. Why?"


I went on telling him what happened two years ago. He seemed cool. Who cares anyway? that was two years ago... I thought.

I checked the online lists again. Clare!


I quickly clicked her name.

"Hey, I just chatted with Kent and I mention you!"


I waited.... No response... I add again.

"Hello???? Anybody there?"


Still.. No response.

"Geez... where r u?", "Testing.....", "1", "2", "3...."


I look at her signal. Still green. Hmm... what's wrong with her? Is she mad??.. Finally, I said

"Okay, you're not there so we talked about this tomorrow K..." , "Goodnight and have a beautiful nightmare!".


I 'X' Clare's chatbox and click the lists again. Sherlyn was online. Its such a boring night. Hmm... arh... just share lah about Vin Diesel to her. I greet her and share a link to Vin's page. Though she doesn't seem to care but so what? It's not a pain trying to share anyway wasn't it? 5 minutes after that I go offline.

Sleep time....

*********************************

Shit... where the heck is the bus?


Though its still 6.15 am, I'm already worried. At this hour, most buses would be full and I hate it. As I wait, my minds rear...

What's wrong with Clare last night? She never act that way to me before. Was she mad? Why? What did I do? I tried to recall my conversation with Kent last night. It was nothing so why the heck would someone get mad about it? Did I intrude her privacy? But that was two years ago! LOL.. She's crazy if she does. And Sherlyn? She didn't reply me either. Shit, was everyone was having a bad day? Hey, I'm having a bad day either and didn't ignore anybody. What's wrong with them? I remembered the text message I received last night. It was an unknown number. I almost breakdown when I read them but I managed to control myself. It says---

'Tititt!! titiitt!!!"

My thought end there. Here comes the bus....




********************************


Who the heck leave rubbish on my table! Ughh!


"Hi Bev...." I look up, Sally was there.

"Morning Sal.." and I smiled.

Then Sherlyn came. "Hey Bev... I'm late."

"Yeah, I can see that.. why?"

She went on explaining what happened. I saw Clare, she's late too.

"Kringggg!!" The bell rings.

Clare give a sly smile when I smiled to her. Hmm... that's cold.. She went out immediately after she drop her bag on her seat. I waited for Sherlyn and we went to the hall together.

As we walked, I asked her about the link I gave her last night and went on telling story about Vin. Obviously, she really wasn't interested. Clare was walking in front of me, I really need to talk to her. Now!

I run towards her. I put my arms on her shoulder and give her a warm greetings.

"Happy Monday Clare.. Where were you last night?"

"Oh yes, I'm sorry that I didn't get to reply you last night. I was sneaking cause I want to send a message to Leela." She said.

"Oh really? What message?"

"Just a message." She smiled to me.

"Okay... private I see. Hey, are you mad at me?"

"Huh? about what?"

"Last night......


To be continued........


Previously...
The Four#1: Clare's point of view
The Four#2: Sherlyn's point of view

This story was a total made up so don't freak out okay :)

Can a boy and a girl be just friends?

Many asks, can a boy and a girl be just friends? In my opinions, definitely, NO. Being just bestfriends? That's bullshit. No matter how you pretend, sooner or later, one must fall in love into another. Its just time who will decide how soon you will notice what you actually feel for the person.

Being close with the other sex is like playing with fire. You are daring yourself to love the person. Though at first you think its impossible that you could be in love with the person for in your opinion, he/she is only a nice friend. It could actually turn your life into a real deep shit when you find out that you were in love with the person. Especially when the person already had someone special in their heart while you were there stuck in between your feelings and your friendship. When you came to this, you had to decide, which one to lose? If you choose to confess, you could lose your wonderful friendship while if you choose your friendship, you had to be ready to bleed your heart every single day. Bad isn't it?

Some doesn't believe this. They said, "we've been friends for years and there's nothing came between us." Yeah, I believe you. For some people, its kinda slow for them to notice their feelings. Factors? maybe you saw the person everyday? You never lose contact with him/her and the person seems to be always there for you. But, take that you suddenly didn't see the person for like few weeks or months. The person just suddenly poof! If you are a girl and your bestfriend was a girl, you'll find it'll be much easier to let go. But take that if you are a girl, and your bestfriend was a boy, you'll find that you'll gonna miss him like hell. When this happens, notice that, you are in love.

I'm not saying that having a bestfriend from the opposite sex is a bad thing to do. Yes, I know, for girls they like to have a guy bestfriend because they were understanding, easy going and not emotional. When you need friend to be harsh and rude, a guy is a good place to do it. Its something that you just can't do with a girl bestfriend for they'll remember every single thing and words you said that hurt them. And its something you can't do either with your boyfriend for they'll take it as you're trying to break up with him. Complicated isn't it? Well... that's life.

Still, many like to do some stunts. They say, "we're just friends". But I got plenty of proofs from the experiences of the people around me who once said that they're "just bestfriends" but none seemed to end up as a "BFF(Best Friend Forever)". They end up as a couple, married or enemy. The once upon a time the most wonderful friendship suddenly became the coldest. Even colder than Antarctica that even the inferno can't break the ice. 

Practically, I'm not really sure what we can actually do in order to prevent this. The only way is to pray. Just leave it all to God. He'll know what to do... Amen...

Inspiring...