Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

Why we must take care of our health

Greetings planet! I didn't use good day for it was a bad day for me. I didn't go to school today because my health is getting worse. And when I say worse it means real worse! worse like I would throw up with only just one cough! I really don't want to miss school because today's subject were all very important ones and real hard too. I don't wanna be left-out!

Anyway, back to the topic. First, let me tell you what push me to post this. I'm one of those kind of people who didn't put health as their priority in lives. I'm a workaholic. When it gets to work, the only thing that's on my mind is that, "Oh.. I have to finish this!". It doesn't matter what time I have my meal and sleep. But not a full time actually. I'm a kind of lazy person too. I'm More like the kind who just don't like to sit tight or lay all day unless I got no other options. If can, in every second of my life, I want to do something. May it be, hanging out, watching movies, talking, anything as long I'm not doing nothing.

The good thing about me is that, you can bring me to enjoy any kinds of activities. May it be outdoor activities(rough one) or indoor activities. The bad thing is, I will do it all without really considering my body stats. For example, you bring me to hike somewhere and I feel very tired for I just got home, yet, I would still follow you. Or maybe I was sick, I don't care cause my motto is, 'As long as I can stand, lets rock it!'. The only thing that matters is my will. When I want it to be that way, I'll work it to the limit to be the way I want it to be. When I say that I will finish all my homework within one day! Wooh... we got so many homework I tell you. Soooo many!!!! Too many that it would take more than 8 hours for one day homework to finish. So when you decided to finish it all, sometimes you will not sleep until the next morning and start off for school. Without sleep! Let me tell you my routine, usually, during school days, first thing I do is, I go to school. Then after school, often I got another activities, appointments, practice, or meeting. I would be home late nearly everyday. Then, I would always have something to do at home. After that, I'll start doing my homework until 3 a.m or more and sleep for like 2 hours or less. And the cycle goes on and on. I'm not complaining. I don't care cause I enjoy it all. But the thing is, my meal is not in order and my sleep cycle is abnormal. Though it's not a trouble for me to sleep for 3 to 2 hours everyday because I'm used to it I think but everyone can tell without a book that it's not healthy at all! And I'm sure that most of teenagers life nowadays are like this. Moreover the adults! Right?

At first, its okay to me and it never really even matters because my thought is, 'If I got sick, there's always the Hospital..:)'. The last hope. Not until today when I started to realize of how important it really is to take care of our body. My sickness start off with sneezing non stop and it happened last week. Soon, flu came in followed by fever. A weird one because the fever come and go. And this what makes it worse, when a flu hit, asthma would eventually follow up. Yet, through all this sicknesses, I still do all my routines as usual. Finally, last Saturday, I decided to go to a local Clinic because that morning, my mucus got blood. Plus, it's hard for me to breath! Well, here comes the asthma!!! (=.=") Anyway, usually, after drinking their medicine, I would started to get well but this time, it doesn't. At first, I think that maybe the medicine works slowly this time. I would be okay after I go to sleep. But apparently, I was wrong! On Sunday, I decided to be a cow, the most laziest person in the planet. It was under many people's advice's. They say that I need a lot of rest. This time, I decided to listen to their advice's. Fine, I'll sleep all day! But yesterday evening, when I woke up at 5.30 p.m I feel so breathless! My chest felt so tight! I lay down, trying to control my breath. Trying hard to relax. Soon, I felt choked up! My vision was starting to went black. I swear I'm dead by now if don't decide to do something. I don't know why my spirit felt so weak that time. Not the usual me. I think that I just wanna give in. I'd die.... suddenly! And luckily, my phone rang. It was a text message. Then my spirit started to raise. I remember all my beloved friends and families, I remember all that I'm yet to achieved. I gather all my strength and grabbed my cellphone and reply the text. I get up, drink some milo with bread and read an article that a dear friend of mine slipped under the door. But yet, I can't breath properly! Even as I read, my vision would sometimes went black. After I read it all, I lay back on my bed. Closing my eyes... I'm choked... I didn't breath... I think I'd die... Things started to went black... But I decided that I'm gonna do something! I get up, and decided to go to the Hospital, for good. I hate Hospital. I'm glad it's there but I don't like it. To me, Hospital is when you are going to die. When I arrived, I go straight to the emergency section and they quickly put up the oxygen on me. Great.... Now I do looked like I'm gonna die! After that, the Doctor checked me, weird.. no effect. Then he decided to put me to the oxygen again. 2nd round and no effect! Then, he inject something into my nerves and waited for 30 minutes then put me with the oxygen again and still, no effect at all ! That's how worse I was. Then the Doctor decided to run me into some tests and a nurse x-ray'ed me. Mysteriously, my lungs were all fine except for my backbones. Well, I don't wanna talk about it. My backbones are fine, but there's just something.

Anyway, why we must take of our health?


Well... firstly because we got only one body!
Unlike machine, once its broken down, we can still fix it. But our body? Once its broken down, then you're screwed for life!

Secondly, it affect the people around us...
Have you ever wondered of how much people around you loved you? Well... you might not realized it but its true! Especially your family. More over, when you got sick, it will burdened your family, physically, emotionally, and of course, financially. Just one you, could affect hundreds of people, can you believe that? You might don't care about yourself, like me. I'm not really scared to die so I guess that's why I don't really care about my health. But last night, I was touched by some of my friends and family members. How they are willing to come to the Hospital to see me no matter how far. How they are willing to not to sleep to take care of me. Some were dead worried. I don't know whether they are really worried and care or just acting worried and caring..:P But for sure, I'm sure they're sincere. 'Cause well, I don't have anything to give them other than my love. That's why, no matter how dying I feel, as long as I can smile and laugh, I'd do it for them. I felt real guilty when people are worried about me. Sometimes I'd say, "Why are you so worried? I'm not gonna die! LOL!" and then people would start slapping my mouth. last night, the Doctors said, "Please leave your phone, you'll need to rest." I said, "NO, I can't. I have to tell them that I'm fine. By the way, I am fine." and smiled. The Doctor said, "And you still can smile? Aren't you worried? Don't you see how worse you are right now?". I said, "Well, let my physical be sick, but not my soul. After all, I still can stand aren't I? And that means I'm still not gonna die tonight. So I don't want anyone to did not sleep tonight and fuse over me. Anyway, I trust in you Doctor." and smiled.

But aren't you feel bad when 10 people can't sleep just because of 1 you? Especially to parents out there! No matter how hard you worked for the family, please look after your health. Money would lose, yes, but they can be regained. But you? Once they lose you, then there can never be you again.

Word of strength

Sometimes, life takes you on a detour.

Use these times to see things you would have missed

had you remained on your planned route.

You may find it to be among the best

parts of your journey.

I'm lost... I think

Ohh... how I miss blogging! My life these days are so packed that it doesn't allows me to have a lil time even just for sleep! Huh!

I felt a lot like the illustration. Like something lost in the middle of the desert of Sahara because it wanted to. I wanted to look for a way but are too scared to get back on the path. I wasn't scared of the obstacles, but actually I fear that I can't tolerate with the people on my way. So, instead of wondering around looking for a way, I sat on a stone waiting for I don't know what. Of course, being in the desert wasn't easy. The heat... and of course it doesn't felt right to be lost especially when you know it. So now, basically I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, and what's going on! I can't define what status I'm currently in! Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I happy? or what??? When I tried to think deeply about what's actually inside of me, I found that I seem to be mad, sad, scared but somehow happy. Its a weird mixture! Am I in love? Well... maybe I'm missing someone that I couldn't reach. Its so sad to think back all the mistakes that I made. There's too much of them.

Yes, I have to be strong. Wherever I go, seeking for advice's, one would say, "Be strong girl, no ones perfect. Everyone had made mistakes. That's what makes human.". If that's what makes human, I don't know what to think. Because I know, I'm one of those people who always longed for perfection and couldn't live a day without correcting the mistakes.

What kind of mistakes? Well, it is for me to keep. Some people know it, some don't. They were scattered unto different people like pieces of puzzles. Though its been bad and rough, God is good. He still give me joy through a lot of sources. He give me strength and guidance and He never left me even just for a second!

I can, and I'm sure I know how to make things right. But yet, there's a lot of sacrifices to be made. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I am ready when I get up from that stone and start looking for a way.