False Hopes

Have you ever been in a situation where you can't do nothing but daydreaming the whole time? You've got a lot to do and things to take care of but you seem can't think! All you want to do is dream... dream away your life and escape from reality. There's just so much you wish you could have and it all seems so real but yet, far away.

I'm sure, everyone have been there. Especially those who are in love. Moreover those who are in love but  their lovers was out of reach. It's a pain to accept the reality so why don't create your own world and dwell in?

But yet, do you know that it is not healthy to daydreaming? Well, I'm not a PhD's nor am I an approved counselor, but just by common sense, I strongly believe that daydreaming isn't good at all. To dream in ambitious term would be another story but creating fantasy? I don't think it would bring any good.

Why?


Well... I talk based on experience and I found that, daydreaming gave me headache because it cause me to think too much. For example, I'm in love with someone and I started to imagine wonderful things when being with the person. It felt all wonderful... Then snap! You realize that it was just dreams. Then, you started to think.... "I wish that was real.... No that's impossible! But what if~". Soon, another thought leads to another thought and then another. Then you started to behaving weirdly especially to that person you've been dreaming of. And that's because you've been thinking too much! You're ashamed of your own thoughts and you can't get away with it! Just a little gesture by that person caused a million things running through your mind. Instead of getting closer with the person, you blew your friendship away.

Do you realize that after daydreaming, it's such a pain when you get to the world and realize that it was all not true? Being a daydreamer for quiet a while, I found that the effect are this,

I think too much, 

I started to hate my life because it felt sucks, 


I blew my friendship with the person, 


and I started to wish! 

I hate to wish! It often cause me to have false hopes!
Do you know what I mean by false hopes? False hopes are things that you wish too bad to come true and believe it is but then it was just a dream. I hate it. It makes me feel desperate and stupid and hopeless which I know I'm not. I'm stronger than that.

That's why, I finally decided to stop. I want to live in reality. In fact its not that bad actually. I wanted to use good sense in life and be logic and rational where I used to be. It's stupid to dream things that are not there. Truth is, nothings gonna happen without a move. If you got no effort other than dreaming, then don't dare to hope or you'll crushed yourself.

I'm not crushed yet. But I realized it fast before it happens. Thanks to God that He blessed me. I found that there's no point in dreaming and hope. Hope only meant something if you hope in God but in worldly things, sorry. No effort and you ain't gonna get anything. Why wastes time? You only got to live once and what had passed can't be taken back. Appreciate each moment you have and live it!

Words of strength

Be unashamed of who you are, 

where you're been, and what you do today.

You are a divine gift to this world.

Wherever you've been, someone else

has also been there. Hold your head up high

and be who you are today.

The beauty of silence

"You're weird you know... You seemed to be so attracted to dark things... You love creepy, weird, scary, dark and haunted things." ------That's what they say. Well, I do. I just love things that most people are scared of. In fact, I hate things that most people love. Like, for example, Justin Bieber, Twilight, and whatever it is that is trending. Sorry for that though. When everyone seemed to love one thing, I feel like there's no space for me.

Okay, enough with it. Hmm... funny, when you wanna cry, but not a single tears wants to drop. Trust me, it hurts to cry silently behind the sweetest smile you could afford. I'd rather screamed to the heaviest tears I could give out than being this way. Unsure, puzzled, pretending, believing, discouraged, trusting, caring, ignored, lying, worrying, holding back and everything! I wonder am I the only one? It's funny that things like this cannot be shared. Not even to your closest one.

"It's stupid that I had chose to carry this load", my rational mind told me. But, I guess, this is my cross. It's funny that what burdens me is not my problem but actually its others. I guess that's what God is trying to teach me. What it's like to carry the cross. Like really carrying it wholeheartedly. Love is the fuel in this journey. And its not really a roller coaster journey. You think its that easy to make sacrifice? That's my theme for this year though. Nope, it's not. It's full of hurts, rejection, and bruises everywhere. But it doesn't feat with what Jesus had done to us of course. And I'm glad that I get what God is trying to teach me earlier. I don't hate this all of course. Though its hurting, but its beautiful. Those who never tried to understand will never see the beauty of it. The world saw it as crazy but God, He knows it all. He knows the mean of your heart and is always ready for you whenever you need Him. "Ask.. and ye shall receive..." , He promised.

Anyway, my mum called me vampire for some reason... Not because I like vampire...No no.. My elder sister called me weird... My brother called me crazy... All because I like scary things. I love to stay in the dark. Curtains closed, silence... Just me, myself and I. Why am I like this? Well... I love to seek solitaire on certain times. It doesn't really mean I hate being with people, I do love to socialize a lot, but, there are time where I don't wanna be disturbed at all. Not even with the sound of music. The feelings of just you yourself... staring blankly into space.. and you let your thoughts take you wherever it wants until you drift away... Getting lighter and lighter and finally sleep.... The best feeling.

I remember once when I walk at dawn, in the dark.. alone, listening to piano tracks... walking slowly... watching the stars... And felt the cool breeze against my skin. Hmm.... How I love to stay forever like that. There are times where I wish I could just vanish into space... I feel like I wanna leave the world the moment I have the chance to. But then, I need to get back home before any soul starts to get worried. I always get people worried. Then, get back to the mad world I'm in.

Words of strength

Fear no one except the Lord Himself.

Serve His mission faithfully with all your being.

Open your eyes to all that is good.

It surrounds you.

Be gracious of your appreciation of these gifts.

What a beautiful world in which you live!

Changing and the idea of LOVE

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words

Pace yourself.

Life should not be like a marathon

That we rush to finish.

It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts

and the finish line will never be reached.

Consider life to be more like a relay race.

As we pass through on this life and on to the next

it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.

We will then go to our final rest knowing

that we participated grandly and that

our contribution to the world

was worthy.

Thank You (Cover~Dedication For My Special One)

I know I'm not that talented to show off to the world, but I have shown a lot of pictures, and crappy videos of me. But I forgot, to give glory back to HIM who had created me the way I am. I might be not that much, but at least, I'm capable of a lot of things. Thanks to HIM. My success and what I have, I wouldn't have it all if it weren't because of Him. Truthfully, I am nothing without JESUS. I am empty and useless and hopeless without HIM. He saved me in many ways and give me a lot more than I needed. I ask for one, He give me ten. His help always come just in time. I couldn't count of how many miracles He had done for me. He died for me on the cross. But He was risen on the third day because He was the Messiah. I know and I believed that He is the true and living God. I'm not saying this simply by lips, but by truth and I've been through many unexplained experiences with Him. Step by step, He guide me and thought me. He raised me up when I'm down, and He never failed me. So, with all my heart, I sing to HIM...

"There is no one like YOU

There is no ONE like YOU God

All my hope is in YOU

Jesus.. Jesus.."

-Have a Blessed Good Friday-

Words of strength

Hope will turn the cold into warmth

Your weakness into strength

And your sadness into joy

Life

"Life is full of ups and downs
And life ain't always what it sounds
Just when you think you got it down
The moment you realize
You've just lost ground

Life ain't always what it seems
And ain't always what you hoped
And dreamed
And some people you met
They can kill your dreams
I don't understand why
They are so mean?

That's why sometimes
I play my guitar
And just sing away
And play away
Until my problems
Come tumbling down

Life ain't perfect
But it is still worth it
Don't throw your life away
It'll be a better day
And everyday I pray
And I got to say
That life is just so beautiful today

Life is full of
The good and the bad
And sometimes
It'll make you go mad
And you don't understand
Why it happened
Or things happen
The way they do
It's alright if you don't know
Trust God
It'll work out

And sometimes
I just wanna scream
It's alright to shout your claim
And let the world know 
What's your name

When our dreams
Is starting to sink
Like the Titanic
Don't panic
You can't stand it
But He'll stand it..."


-Put God First-

I fall in love with this song

Why we must take care of our health

Greetings planet! I didn't use good day for it was a bad day for me. I didn't go to school today because my health is getting worse. And when I say worse it means real worse! worse like I would throw up with only just one cough! I really don't want to miss school because today's subject were all very important ones and real hard too. I don't wanna be left-out!

Anyway, back to the topic. First, let me tell you what push me to post this. I'm one of those kind of people who didn't put health as their priority in lives. I'm a workaholic. When it gets to work, the only thing that's on my mind is that, "Oh.. I have to finish this!". It doesn't matter what time I have my meal and sleep. But not a full time actually. I'm a kind of lazy person too. I'm More like the kind who just don't like to sit tight or lay all day unless I got no other options. If can, in every second of my life, I want to do something. May it be, hanging out, watching movies, talking, anything as long I'm not doing nothing.

The good thing about me is that, you can bring me to enjoy any kinds of activities. May it be outdoor activities(rough one) or indoor activities. The bad thing is, I will do it all without really considering my body stats. For example, you bring me to hike somewhere and I feel very tired for I just got home, yet, I would still follow you. Or maybe I was sick, I don't care cause my motto is, 'As long as I can stand, lets rock it!'. The only thing that matters is my will. When I want it to be that way, I'll work it to the limit to be the way I want it to be. When I say that I will finish all my homework within one day! Wooh... we got so many homework I tell you. Soooo many!!!! Too many that it would take more than 8 hours for one day homework to finish. So when you decided to finish it all, sometimes you will not sleep until the next morning and start off for school. Without sleep! Let me tell you my routine, usually, during school days, first thing I do is, I go to school. Then after school, often I got another activities, appointments, practice, or meeting. I would be home late nearly everyday. Then, I would always have something to do at home. After that, I'll start doing my homework until 3 a.m or more and sleep for like 2 hours or less. And the cycle goes on and on. I'm not complaining. I don't care cause I enjoy it all. But the thing is, my meal is not in order and my sleep cycle is abnormal. Though it's not a trouble for me to sleep for 3 to 2 hours everyday because I'm used to it I think but everyone can tell without a book that it's not healthy at all! And I'm sure that most of teenagers life nowadays are like this. Moreover the adults! Right?

At first, its okay to me and it never really even matters because my thought is, 'If I got sick, there's always the Hospital..:)'. The last hope. Not until today when I started to realize of how important it really is to take care of our body. My sickness start off with sneezing non stop and it happened last week. Soon, flu came in followed by fever. A weird one because the fever come and go. And this what makes it worse, when a flu hit, asthma would eventually follow up. Yet, through all this sicknesses, I still do all my routines as usual. Finally, last Saturday, I decided to go to a local Clinic because that morning, my mucus got blood. Plus, it's hard for me to breath! Well, here comes the asthma!!! (=.=") Anyway, usually, after drinking their medicine, I would started to get well but this time, it doesn't. At first, I think that maybe the medicine works slowly this time. I would be okay after I go to sleep. But apparently, I was wrong! On Sunday, I decided to be a cow, the most laziest person in the planet. It was under many people's advice's. They say that I need a lot of rest. This time, I decided to listen to their advice's. Fine, I'll sleep all day! But yesterday evening, when I woke up at 5.30 p.m I feel so breathless! My chest felt so tight! I lay down, trying to control my breath. Trying hard to relax. Soon, I felt choked up! My vision was starting to went black. I swear I'm dead by now if don't decide to do something. I don't know why my spirit felt so weak that time. Not the usual me. I think that I just wanna give in. I'd die.... suddenly! And luckily, my phone rang. It was a text message. Then my spirit started to raise. I remember all my beloved friends and families, I remember all that I'm yet to achieved. I gather all my strength and grabbed my cellphone and reply the text. I get up, drink some milo with bread and read an article that a dear friend of mine slipped under the door. But yet, I can't breath properly! Even as I read, my vision would sometimes went black. After I read it all, I lay back on my bed. Closing my eyes... I'm choked... I didn't breath... I think I'd die... Things started to went black... But I decided that I'm gonna do something! I get up, and decided to go to the Hospital, for good. I hate Hospital. I'm glad it's there but I don't like it. To me, Hospital is when you are going to die. When I arrived, I go straight to the emergency section and they quickly put up the oxygen on me. Great.... Now I do looked like I'm gonna die! After that, the Doctor checked me, weird.. no effect. Then he decided to put me to the oxygen again. 2nd round and no effect! Then, he inject something into my nerves and waited for 30 minutes then put me with the oxygen again and still, no effect at all ! That's how worse I was. Then the Doctor decided to run me into some tests and a nurse x-ray'ed me. Mysteriously, my lungs were all fine except for my backbones. Well, I don't wanna talk about it. My backbones are fine, but there's just something.

Anyway, why we must take of our health?


Well... firstly because we got only one body!
Unlike machine, once its broken down, we can still fix it. But our body? Once its broken down, then you're screwed for life!

Secondly, it affect the people around us...
Have you ever wondered of how much people around you loved you? Well... you might not realized it but its true! Especially your family. More over, when you got sick, it will burdened your family, physically, emotionally, and of course, financially. Just one you, could affect hundreds of people, can you believe that? You might don't care about yourself, like me. I'm not really scared to die so I guess that's why I don't really care about my health. But last night, I was touched by some of my friends and family members. How they are willing to come to the Hospital to see me no matter how far. How they are willing to not to sleep to take care of me. Some were dead worried. I don't know whether they are really worried and care or just acting worried and caring..:P But for sure, I'm sure they're sincere. 'Cause well, I don't have anything to give them other than my love. That's why, no matter how dying I feel, as long as I can smile and laugh, I'd do it for them. I felt real guilty when people are worried about me. Sometimes I'd say, "Why are you so worried? I'm not gonna die! LOL!" and then people would start slapping my mouth. last night, the Doctors said, "Please leave your phone, you'll need to rest." I said, "NO, I can't. I have to tell them that I'm fine. By the way, I am fine." and smiled. The Doctor said, "And you still can smile? Aren't you worried? Don't you see how worse you are right now?". I said, "Well, let my physical be sick, but not my soul. After all, I still can stand aren't I? And that means I'm still not gonna die tonight. So I don't want anyone to did not sleep tonight and fuse over me. Anyway, I trust in you Doctor." and smiled.

But aren't you feel bad when 10 people can't sleep just because of 1 you? Especially to parents out there! No matter how hard you worked for the family, please look after your health. Money would lose, yes, but they can be regained. But you? Once they lose you, then there can never be you again.

Word of strength

Sometimes, life takes you on a detour.

Use these times to see things you would have missed

had you remained on your planned route.

You may find it to be among the best

parts of your journey.

What is the benefit of being in convent school

Good day earthlings! Today, I would like to bring the topic of "What is the benefit of being in Convent school".


As far as I'm concerned, about 70% student's don't want to be in convent school. Once, a friend says to me, "Oh... you're in convent school? How terrible!". When she says this, I don't know how to respond.LOL. I don't know whether to agree or to fight back. Well, before that, let me tell a bit about my school. My school's name is SMK St.Cecilia Convent. It was located in a town namely Sandakan which is in Sabah, Malaysia. My school was one of the only two convent school in this town. The other one is SMK Perempuan.

Now, let me tell what cause me to bring up this topic. Lately, me and one of my best friend, Varrelene been talking about moving school. She tells me of how she misses of being in mixed school. Yeah, me too, I miss the atmosphere should I say A LOT! I remember years back, man, I even cry when my mum decided to put  me in convent school. I feel like my world just fall apart! Until I even decided that I wanted to stop schooling! Yeah, we broke into a fight as we always do. I even remember my sobbing face going into the Principal room with my mum to sign me in.

What makes it so bad being in convent school? Well, I always heard rumors that convent school is full of lesbian. Some says the student in convent school were rude and bullies. Grr... it creeps me out! I'm so scared.. and sad! On my first day in school, I was totally in culture shock! The atmosphere were all new to me. The people... the way they behave.. and I still even remember that I can't even find the toilet! I'm scared to ask. I found the toilet on March which is the third month of me being there. It feels so weird not seeing the boys around playing and laughing teasing the girls. For months, I live my life questioning God of why the heck did He put me in there? Is this His ways of punishing me? I still remember of how hard it is for me to make friends and how difficult it is for me to accept the culture in there. But God has His own plans for me. When I discovered this, I really praise God for putting me in there.

God wants me to change my way. In here, I learn a lot about Christianity and I got a chance to serve in Church ministry. By being in here, I also manage to scrape my ego and learn to respect my friends. I still remember my Diva life when I was in elementary school where I can do whatever I like on my friends like they were some slave or what. I shout at them and tell them to do this and that. I can chose who to be my friends and who shall be isolated. I don't really know why do they listen to me. Maybe its because I'm a top student or maybe they are scared of me? I don't know. Anyway, in my high school, I cannot do that. In here, everyone treats each other like friends though they are top students or not, pretty or not, rich or not, everyone were treated in the same level. The only thing that matters is attitude. If you respect them, they will do the same for you, as simple as that.

On my second year of being in the convent school, I started to notice the benefit of it. Here are they...

1.I'm free to wear what I like!
Doesn't mean that I can wear whatever outfit I like to school. Of course we wear uniform like what normal students in Malaysia should. What I'm trying to say is, in my school, I wouldn't have to care much of how did my uniform looked like. Ironed or not, or even short! Sometimes, some students didn't even buttoned their uniform properly or some didn't even zipped their uniform! And the good thing is that, no one cares!

Me in pinafore(school uniform)

Sometimes we forgot to wear singlet to school but it never was a big matter! Of course, it is against the rules, but apart from that, we got nothing else to worry about. My pinafore is above my knees, which is considered shorts but I still wear them. I've been wearing it for almost four years now. Well, who cares? Yes, of course I'll get trouble if I get caught by the discipline teacher but well... Of course, there are male teachers exists, but there were only few of them.

If in mixed schools, the first thing that normal girls would think of before they wear anything is that, "Umm... Do I look good? Will I get teased by the boys later?" or, "Am I attractive or look beautiful in this?". Well... normal actions. In here, well yeah... whatever, as long as I'm not wearing my birthday suite, lets rock the school!




2. Less conflict
This is what I adore the most in convent school. I still remember when I was in elementary school, the 'He, She' conflict is very famous and eventually would always be the hottest topic of the day. I miss it though but you wouldn't imagine of how wonderful and peaceful life is without it. If its already like that in elementary, imagine how worst it would be in high schools. Everyday, "You know what.. he... bla.. bla.. bla.. bla.... and she... bla... bla....". Well, we did talk about this in school but it is different. We did talk about boys but usually it'll be more positive. Its hard to explain but its just different. By the way, what I noticed is that, since we know boys from outside, most of the them were different people. She talk about him and she talk about the other him. Mostly, the names we heard were very random as we heard it everyday but we usually never see the person in person. So, it is kinda hard for things like two persons liking the same person to happen. It does happen but in a very few cases.

3. We can be ourselves!
I still remember of how I controlled my self much when I was in mixed school. The way I'm talking,the way I'm behaving and the way I'm dressing, everything counts! But in here, since we got nobody to impress, well yeah! I never really have to worry about my hair, of how loud I'm laughing and so on. I wouldn't even have to worry of how the way I'm sitting! Polite or not, well.... What I notice also is that, when we were outside of the school, we looked so matured and often mistaken as an adult. But when we were in the school, well, you can see a whole bunch of kindergarten but in bigger size. LOL. We are ourselves. We never have to worry about judgement from people cause we're all the same, we are what we are.

And lastly is that we appreciate boys more...
Girls and boys is often like cats and dogs and this we know. Everyday, the boys would always pissed the girls. And whenever the girls had a chance, they would also do the same. But girls, when the boys are finally not around, you'll realize of how lonely the world is. Yes, girls friends are fun, of course maa... But the fun you'll have with the boys is different. Trust me, you'll miss their annoying joke. Of course I'm still pissed if they tease me, but yet, its something that you'll miss. So whenever we got a chance to be with boys, we are more happy than it is when see them everyday.


So convent girls... be positive! Being in convent school is not really that bad like what they said. Lesbian? Of course they're around but don't think in mixed schools they don't exist! By the way, I don't really saw lesbians in my school though..o.O Maybe its because I never paid any attention to such case. Keep in mind that, whatever happens, It was all depending on you.

What is the purpose of life?

Recently, I've been wondering, what is the purpose of life? Is it merely to just to enjoy everything? To be successful and well known to the entire face of the earth? Some say "To Live Is to Love". Really? Is it all about love?

Everyone has a vary perspective on life. Some agree with that and some argue with this. That's human... sometimes even the simplest thing in the world could cause issues just because the differences of perspectives. Why did this happen? It happen because we all wanted to be listened not listening. Once, people invent the motto, "Voice out" to encourage people to speak their ideas. But the mistake is, when everyone is speaking, then who will listen?

Okay, get back to the topic, what is the purpose of life? We all understands that life has to be meaningful. Something that couldn't be wasted and something that only can we have once. It's something that couldn't be revised.

I'd like to believe that, human is the most lucky living creature in the entire universe. Why? Because, only human was given a chance by God to choose. To think on their own and to make decisions. Jesus died on the cross for human sins not cat's sins. Human is the only creature that is given a chance to repent. We sinned a lot of times but still be forgiven when we repent. How lucky we are?

I believe that we live to learn something. There's something from within that we are yet to learn. Something meaningful. I also believe that it's different for each person. I imagined life as an exam or a treasure hunt where we, human, are searching here and there, up and down for the light of the truth. Some succeed, some stumbled in the middle. It's a dark maze, messy, twisty, and rough. Some succeed and win the battle because of faith while the others fail themselves.

I still think that I'm lost. But I already got someone walking beside me telling me where I should go and that person is Jesus. "have faith in Him and you shall find the way.."

Sincerely.....

"If the hero never comes to you

If you need someone you're feeling blue

If you're away from love and you're alone

If you call your friends and nobody's home

You can run away but you can't hide

Through a storm and a lonely night

Then I show there's a destiny

The best things in life

They're free...

But if you wanna cry

Cry on my shoulder

If you need someone who cares for you

If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder

I'll show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey..

Let me know...

There's a place in heaven where we'll go

If heaven is a million years away

Just call me and I make your day

When the nights are getting cold and blue

When the days are getting hard for you

I will always stay here by your side

I promise you I'll never hide..."

I'm lost... I think

Ohh... how I miss blogging! My life these days are so packed that it doesn't allows me to have a lil time even just for sleep! Huh!

I felt a lot like the illustration. Like something lost in the middle of the desert of Sahara because it wanted to. I wanted to look for a way but are too scared to get back on the path. I wasn't scared of the obstacles, but actually I fear that I can't tolerate with the people on my way. So, instead of wondering around looking for a way, I sat on a stone waiting for I don't know what. Of course, being in the desert wasn't easy. The heat... and of course it doesn't felt right to be lost especially when you know it. So now, basically I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, and what's going on! I can't define what status I'm currently in! Am I mad? Am I sad? Am I happy? or what??? When I tried to think deeply about what's actually inside of me, I found that I seem to be mad, sad, scared but somehow happy. Its a weird mixture! Am I in love? Well... maybe I'm missing someone that I couldn't reach. Its so sad to think back all the mistakes that I made. There's too much of them.

Yes, I have to be strong. Wherever I go, seeking for advice's, one would say, "Be strong girl, no ones perfect. Everyone had made mistakes. That's what makes human.". If that's what makes human, I don't know what to think. Because I know, I'm one of those people who always longed for perfection and couldn't live a day without correcting the mistakes.

What kind of mistakes? Well, it is for me to keep. Some people know it, some don't. They were scattered unto different people like pieces of puzzles. Though its been bad and rough, God is good. He still give me joy through a lot of sources. He give me strength and guidance and He never left me even just for a second!

I can, and I'm sure I know how to make things right. But yet, there's a lot of sacrifices to be made. Am I ready? I'm not sure. I am ready when I get up from that stone and start looking for a way.

A weird nightmare

Last night I had a weird dream. Eh, it wasn't last night.. hehe... it was yesterday night actually. It was pretty vivid but it wasn't a lucid dream. Anyways, it started like this...


I found myself was walking on the house compound. I looked at the house, its a wooden house. It was big like a bungalow. I looked around, the compound was breathtaking. There were flowers everywhere. Roses, orchids, tulips, all in different colors. I looked at my self, I looked slightly different. I touched my hair, they also felt different. I don't know why but all I know is that I want to water the flowers.

With a slow pace, I get to the side of the house to get a hose. I turned it on, and started watering everything. Hahh... it's what I always wanna do... I feel so peaceful inside. But there's something, I feel a bit, slightly heartbroken. Its like something was not right. I looked around, all the flowers.... the mountains... the sky... the house... what could go wrong?

It was dusk. The twilight hit the house with a wonderful and very peaceful light. I walked towards the house, all I know is that, I own that house. The weird thing is, half of me felt happy with what I've accomplished. Its like what I have now is a dream coming true. But yet, half of me felt heavy as I walked. Something's missing.

I looked up before I entered the house. I saw a man in his late thirties at the balcony. He wasn't really that handsome, but he has a figure. He wasn't muscular, not fat, just normal. It was weird, when a girl like me, 15, looking at a guy at this age, the first thought would be, he must be my uncle. But this is different, I felt a deep love with this man. A romantic kind of love. Eww? Haha... to me that time, it wasn't. But when I wake up, YES! LOL. Anyway, in me, there's something. Something that's not good. Hate? No, not really. Heartbroken? I'm not sure. He looked at me, a cold look.

I get into the house, heading upstairs, to my room. When I get to the upper floor, the man I saw on the balcony walked into the house. He walked past me, I felt a really deep love for the guy, in fact, I feel like hugging him! Chill out girls, it wasn't Vin Diesel.. haha..But yet, its different, he's cold. The way he looked at me, I know he loves me too, but he too, felt cold with me. It's like we've just been into a fight. A heavy one but not physical of course. Anyway, he was heading downstairs. Kitchen probably.

I walked inside my room, it was pretty big, a master bedroom with king size bed. The room looked a lot like a first class hotel. I started for the wardrobe, took a robe and head for the shower. Inside the shower, I kept thinking, who's the guy? What had happened? And why am I even here? Suddenly, snap! I know that I was dreaming! Yeah... Its time to make some magic. But no, this time its different. I don't feel like I want to have a lucid dream. I don't want to change the guy into Vin Diesel, change the scene into a wonderful romantic waterfall or anything. I know that I was dreaming but since everything felt so real, I decided to continue the weirdness of it. Cause it felt so right, but yet so wrong. LOL. Anyway, I was determined to make things right with the guy. I felt a very deep connection with him.

I looked into the giant mirror inside my wardrobe, I was a bit shocked! Guess what? I'm old! Yaih...! But I also felt a familiarity with it. It seems like I'm already used to it. I looked like I'm in my late thirties. Anyway, I wore a sleeping robe and head downstairs. At the stairs, I saw I giant framed picture of me and someone who supposedly my husband. It was a wedding picture. I looked young, younger than what I see my self now. I looked happy in it. It seems like I was 27 something in that picture. And the guy was the guy at the balcony. Then a thought struck me! Ring! I looked at my fingers. There it is, funny I didn't notice it all this while. I took it out and look for the name who supposedly to be carved inside the ring. There's the name... Beverly love (.....). I like to keep the name private.. :)

Now I know that he was actually my husband. That explains why I felt a very deep love with him. I went quickly downstairs, hoping to see him there. I looked around the living room. Nope, he's not there. I went to the kitchen, not there either. I went out, went to the back, and there he is, sipping his wine looking over the shimmering swimming pool. I looked at his fingers, like I expected, he wore the same ring as I do. I went to him, he won't even looked at me. Ow... that's cold. I just stand there, hoping that he would say something. I need root, I'm blank, how the heck would I say something? He finally make a move. He took a glass, pour some wine in it and hand it to me. With a cold face :P

I took the wine, sat next to him, working something on my mind. I finally make a sound, the first time I hear my own voice. It sounds slightly different. I said, "Have you had your dinner?".

He said, "No."

Spontaneously I said, "Well, lets go out and have some."

He doesn't say anything. Five minutes and no response. I was pissed. I put the wine on the table and head to my room.

I wait for him in the room. I can't sleep. I was really pissed but yet I still wanted to make things right. That's it! That's my mission. To win his heart back. After like supposedly three hours of waiting and fighting with my feelings, he finally came in and lay beside me. Furious, I said in a loud voice, "Should we talk about this?"

He said, "What is it to talk about?"

Suddenly, I felt like I know what was happening. I said in an angry but cool tone, "You still love her do you?"

He said calmly, "I told you what I told you."

"Stop lying to me! You shouldn't come to me after you break up with her that day. I knew it, you was heartbroken aren't you? You just don't want to be alone! You didn't love me! You didn't! I knew it, I was no more than your best friend whom you seek for when you're down aren't I?"

Silence....

I added, "We shouldn't get married..." with a slower voice. I found myself crying. I could feel warm tears flowing from my eyes. Trust me, it does felt real. Too real to be a dream. I was really heartbroken. It really feels like a real experience even to this day.

He want's to say something. "Yes...."

Suddenly everything went black. Damn, I woke up! My phone rings. Someone was calling. It was my mum, calling to remind me to pack up cause I was going back to Sandakan that evening.

Weird... I felt like shit that I didn't get to finish my dream. But yet, I'm glad that it ended. It was a nightmare. Though I didn't get to hear what he was trying to say, but I know, it was something that could tear me into millions of pieces. Though I was really heartbroken, I don't want to lose him.


Weird+creepy+amazing isn't it? Weird because its just weird. LOL. Creepy, cause I'm old+married. Amazing? Well... not everyone got to experience this right? I mean, married? For real? Haha... It really motivated me a lot.

I do get a conclusions to this dream. I mean the meaning behind it. But, I'd rather to keep it personal :)

Can a boy and a girl be just friends?

Many asks, can a boy and a girl be just friends? In my opinions, definitely, NO. Being just bestfriends? That's bullshit. No matter how you pretend, sooner or later, one must fall in love into another. Its just time who will decide how soon you will notice what you actually feel for the person.

Being close with the other sex is like playing with fire. You are daring yourself to love the person. Though at first you think its impossible that you could be in love with the person for in your opinion, he/she is only a nice friend. It could actually turn your life into a real deep shit when you find out that you were in love with the person. Especially when the person already had someone special in their heart while you were there stuck in between your feelings and your friendship. When you came to this, you had to decide, which one to lose? If you choose to confess, you could lose your wonderful friendship while if you choose your friendship, you had to be ready to bleed your heart every single day. Bad isn't it?

Some doesn't believe this. They said, "we've been friends for years and there's nothing came between us." Yeah, I believe you. For some people, its kinda slow for them to notice their feelings. Factors? maybe you saw the person everyday? You never lose contact with him/her and the person seems to be always there for you. But, take that you suddenly didn't see the person for like few weeks or months. The person just suddenly poof! If you are a girl and your bestfriend was a girl, you'll find it'll be much easier to let go. But take that if you are a girl, and your bestfriend was a boy, you'll find that you'll gonna miss him like hell. When this happens, notice that, you are in love.

I'm not saying that having a bestfriend from the opposite sex is a bad thing to do. Yes, I know, for girls they like to have a guy bestfriend because they were understanding, easy going and not emotional. When you need friend to be harsh and rude, a guy is a good place to do it. Its something that you just can't do with a girl bestfriend for they'll remember every single thing and words you said that hurt them. And its something you can't do either with your boyfriend for they'll take it as you're trying to break up with him. Complicated isn't it? Well... that's life.

Still, many like to do some stunts. They say, "we're just friends". But I got plenty of proofs from the experiences of the people around me who once said that they're "just bestfriends" but none seemed to end up as a "BFF(Best Friend Forever)". They end up as a couple, married or enemy. The once upon a time the most wonderful friendship suddenly became the coldest. Even colder than Antarctica that even the inferno can't break the ice. 

Practically, I'm not really sure what we can actually do in order to prevent this. The only way is to pray. Just leave it all to God. He'll know what to do... Amen...

Inspiring...

Find strength in your hectic life

Hey there! It's been busy these days... Just as the school reopened, tons of work came rushing in! Fuhh... But I'm not complaining. Instead, I'm quiet happy with it!

See that face? Yep... That's what I wear everyday. Trying to smile even though there were so much unexplained pain and thoughts+all the works, but yet, I'm so happy with this life. Knowing that there's still people who will support me and will be there whenever  I need them. I just need to ask! Well.. that's my problem. Sometimes, I tend to do things on my own as though there's no one to turned to where actually everyone was there for me! Sometimes, it makes me think,"Oh God... what am I trying to prove? That I can do everything on my own?" where the truth is, you can't do it all on your own! That's why God created Eve in the first place, because He don't want Adam to be alone. He knows, that its not good to be alone. Same goes to us! God doesn't like us to be alone. So, lets make use of every blessings that had been given to us! Don't waste anything even if its just one tiny bit because everything that had been given to us was given for a reason and they are really useful... believe me.

By the way, I'd like it more to be busy than bored. When you are busy, you learn so much thing and most of it you learn all at once. Whereas during boring days, where all you do is sit around imagining.. Grr... I could get a migraine because of that. It makes me feel like I could commit suicide in any second..LOL. I'm a think-too-much kind of person. That's why, my mood could easily changed and I could easily get depressed. Usually, my kind of people always wants a vivid vision for everything. That's why, it seems like all the times we always wants answers for everything. Not only that, it need to be very clear too. If not, we couldn't sleep thinking about it the whole night!

Anyway, since its a new year... I know everyone is busy. Some get stressed already... My advice is, no matter how hectic your life is, squeeze some moments with God. Pray.... ask and you will receive.. That's His promise...:)

Words of strength

Do you ever find yourself lonely? In the need of a friend to

talk to and no one can be found? There's One who's

been waiting to hear from you... Jesus.

Looking into the mirror...

Lately, it seems like the only words that can came out of my mouth is that.."I'm tired.....". Yes... I'm tired of my self... With everything going on(deep breaths)...Hahhh.... I'm tired... Just tired...

I remember the first person that I tell my problem to.. It was 2th of January when I get back to Sandakan. Things starts hitting me one by one just as I arrived home. Since I got no one to talk to, and since I was texting to a friend, I blurted out everything that was going on. Guess how S'he responds... It broked my heart... Its like S'he doesn't even care! S'he just continued S'hi's so called interesting and nonsense  stories(S'he think) like I was saying nothing!

Its so hard when you got no one to turn to when things hit you all at once. The person you hoped would care and the person whom you hoped will soothe you when things get rough turned their back just as you're about to fall.

Now, when I looked in the mirror, I can see the girl in it saying to me "you're pathetic..". I started to hate my self. I care for these people so much.. I help them.. I'm always there when things get rough(I think) but them in return, won't even lend me a second and a pair of ears to just to listen to me! That's what I need! Someone to listen to me and someone who'll understand! I might be somebody, but its still a pity to know that I am nobody in anybody's heart.

I know... just who am I right? But did I ever counted all the pains they caused to me? No! I just kept it all in me. Everything is inside me and I got no one to share my 'pain' with. Maybe I did, but maybe I just don't trust them. Or maybe I had shared it but they just doesn't seem to care. I listen to them, I think for them.. I tried to help solving their issues... But why? Why can't just any of them... Just one... Willing to do the same for me?

But without knowing it, someone does care. Someone is watching but I never realized it. Never even thought that there are still few's(who remember) who read my blog. Thanks though.. You read it... Then you are listening...

A friend that I walked with from school today suddenly said to me, "In class before, I saw pain behind your smile.. are you okay?"(summarized). Aww.. isn't that the sweetest thing? When even my bestfriend who was sitting beside me didn't notice, someone did saw it from across the room! I asked her, "how did you know what I was thinking?"... She said, "you told me yesterday about this and that... I understand..". What a miracle! I Praise the Lord for letting me know that there are people who still care and watching me..Amen.

But yet... I'm tired... Not tired of all the homework's or activities, but tired of the battles inside me. I don't know when will it stop but the truth is... I'm tired... Just tired...


("S'he" is a code I used to hide the person's genre.)