I can't get you off my mind!

This evening, I tried so hard to find peace. Listening to music and let the lyrics speaks to me. Suddenly, I was filled with hatred, and jealousy. Stupid.... I thought. But true.... I just can't get you off my mind!!! There's no words that can express what I'm feeling nor what exactly I am thinking. You know, being in a dilemma of believing and denying and also, balancing wasn't really an easy task. Damn, I don't even know what's easy anymore. Everything is tumbling down and is pressing me to the limit until finally all that I can do is that to stand in silence doing exactly nothing. Because the more I tried to fix it, the worse it become. My fight seems endless.

This evening, my mum said to me that I've changed. I know.... Sometimes, I tried to think that its okay actually but now, I don't think so. I really, really need to change. The thing is, I don't know how... I remember what my best friend had told me once, you have a choice.... The solution is there. I just need to be able to cross my heart and let go.

I trust my best friend so much. She used to know about everything but now, we had decided to put limits to our talks for some reasons. Anyway, I hate to talk to her about my current... should I say problems? whatever it is, she just hate at the mention of his name. Its because she knows perfectly well that its not right. I don't like her when she speaks about this because deep inside, I know she's right. The last thing that she said was that, "...He's happy and you're not.." Ohh.. that hurts. She was right... Damn... she is always right all this while and that's what makes me hate it.

I felt.... Insecure? LoL. It's funny because there's no reason for me to care but I just did. I just did and that's the stupid part!!! Arrrggggghhhhh.........


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That's it. This should be the last. No more about him in here and I dare to take this vow. 

Be inspired...

Look at the bigger picture.

Step back, and cease micro analysis that does not serve.

In looking at the bigger picture, it will look

much better.

Twisted thoughts

Hello people! Yepp... I miss you all! I miss sharing my thoughts with you all. Lately everything is crammed right inside this head. Time was so jealous with me that it didn't allow me write.. .pergghh...! Anyways, first of all, I want to thank you all that even though this blog was static for months you are still faithful to visit. Thank you!!!


Anyway, sorry, no tips, no nothing this time. I'm a bit confused my self lately that I can't think straight! I can't really study well too. Ooh.. what a shame. The only thing that's on my mind is that, "Beverly, fix yourself!". Why? Well.. for some reasons, I'm kinda broken. Broken in many unexplained ways. Not because I was being cheated by my boyfriend nor I was being dumped or something. No, no... I don't have a boyfriend how the heck was that even possible.. LOL.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything was so perfect in your life.? You have a successful life, happy family, awesome friends, but yet, there is this little doubts in you that keeps on telling you that something was not right. That's what happen to me now. I spent a hell lot of time figuring out what is  wrong but yet, the more I search, the bigger the doubts. I wonder, with this life that I'm currently in, I just can't stop my self for being grateful with everything. But yet, there's something in me that believes that something was going perfectly wrong. I don't have anything big to worry about other than my 'Going Down' performance in school which for some reasons doesn't really bother me because I know, It's still early man. I can still work on blast to fix it in time. At least that's what I believe.

It's funny how something that was so perfect in the surface makes you believe that something was wrong. Let's put it like this, I'm in a middle of a dilemma on what to believe. Referring to the source of doubts, I believe that everything goes perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about. But, the world and my heart believes that what I heard, is not what it seems. I really wanted to believe what I try to believe but somehow, I know the trouble was there. I wish I could trust my brain but my feelings is overtaking my common sense. My intuition says differently and it sent me wondering for answers everywhere. I ask for advice's and opinions from trusted, experienced, and elder people and they also believe what actually me my self believe. But yet, I'm still very, very confused. I really wanted to know the answers but yet, I can't lie to my self that I enjoyed the thrill. Its funny how I called, confused, hurts and tears as THRILL.


And the only thing they kept on saying is that, WAIT AND SEE. Wait? Huhh.. Wait. Truth is, I'm dying of waiting and believing. As a matter of fact, I'm not really a very patient person and this all is challenging my patience. I could a get heart attack with this all.LOL. But yet, I can't stop smiling at the thought of it. Everything is so weird... Not to mention the stupid omens my intuition keeps on showing. Like dreams... Strong feelings on something and ugghh.. I just can't explain.

But whatever it is... I'll just believe in this, "It's not what you think it is okay. It's what it shows and that's it. Accept it Bev and again, FIX YOURSELF." It tear my heart actually but that's it. Anyway, just a thought, How can you fix if you don't know what's broken? o.O

Words Of Strength

Never regret or dwells on yesterday's

mistakes or decisions.

They are part of the learning curve

that is called life. The greatest gift you can give yourself

is to start each day anew taking what

you have learned from yesterday, putting it

to good use today, and bettering yourself

and your life with it tomorrow.