I can't get you off my mind!

This evening, I tried so hard to find peace. Listening to music and let the lyrics speaks to me. Suddenly, I was filled with hatred, and jealousy. Stupid.... I thought. But true.... I just can't get you off my mind!!! There's no words that can express what I'm feeling nor what exactly I am thinking. You know, being in a dilemma of believing and denying and also, balancing wasn't really an easy task. Damn, I don't even know what's easy anymore. Everything is tumbling down and is pressing me to the limit until finally all that I can do is that to stand in silence doing exactly nothing. Because the more I tried to fix it, the worse it become. My fight seems endless.

This evening, my mum said to me that I've changed. I know.... Sometimes, I tried to think that its okay actually but now, I don't think so. I really, really need to change. The thing is, I don't know how... I remember what my best friend had told me once, you have a choice.... The solution is there. I just need to be able to cross my heart and let go.

I trust my best friend so much. She used to know about everything but now, we had decided to put limits to our talks for some reasons. Anyway, I hate to talk to her about my current... should I say problems? whatever it is, she just hate at the mention of his name. Its because she knows perfectly well that its not right. I don't like her when she speaks about this because deep inside, I know she's right. The last thing that she said was that, "...He's happy and you're not.." Ohh.. that hurts. She was right... Damn... she is always right all this while and that's what makes me hate it.

I felt.... Insecure? LoL. It's funny because there's no reason for me to care but I just did. I just did and that's the stupid part!!! Arrrggggghhhhh.........


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That's it. This should be the last. No more about him in here and I dare to take this vow. 

Be inspired...

Look at the bigger picture.

Step back, and cease micro analysis that does not serve.

In looking at the bigger picture, it will look

much better.

Twisted thoughts

Hello people! Yepp... I miss you all! I miss sharing my thoughts with you all. Lately everything is crammed right inside this head. Time was so jealous with me that it didn't allow me write.. .pergghh...! Anyways, first of all, I want to thank you all that even though this blog was static for months you are still faithful to visit. Thank you!!!


Anyway, sorry, no tips, no nothing this time. I'm a bit confused my self lately that I can't think straight! I can't really study well too. Ooh.. what a shame. The only thing that's on my mind is that, "Beverly, fix yourself!". Why? Well.. for some reasons, I'm kinda broken. Broken in many unexplained ways. Not because I was being cheated by my boyfriend nor I was being dumped or something. No, no... I don't have a boyfriend how the heck was that even possible.. LOL.

Have you ever been in a situation where everything was so perfect in your life.? You have a successful life, happy family, awesome friends, but yet, there is this little doubts in you that keeps on telling you that something was not right. That's what happen to me now. I spent a hell lot of time figuring out what is  wrong but yet, the more I search, the bigger the doubts. I wonder, with this life that I'm currently in, I just can't stop my self for being grateful with everything. But yet, there's something in me that believes that something was going perfectly wrong. I don't have anything big to worry about other than my 'Going Down' performance in school which for some reasons doesn't really bother me because I know, It's still early man. I can still work on blast to fix it in time. At least that's what I believe.

It's funny how something that was so perfect in the surface makes you believe that something was wrong. Let's put it like this, I'm in a middle of a dilemma on what to believe. Referring to the source of doubts, I believe that everything goes perfectly fine and there's nothing to worry about. But, the world and my heart believes that what I heard, is not what it seems. I really wanted to believe what I try to believe but somehow, I know the trouble was there. I wish I could trust my brain but my feelings is overtaking my common sense. My intuition says differently and it sent me wondering for answers everywhere. I ask for advice's and opinions from trusted, experienced, and elder people and they also believe what actually me my self believe. But yet, I'm still very, very confused. I really wanted to know the answers but yet, I can't lie to my self that I enjoyed the thrill. Its funny how I called, confused, hurts and tears as THRILL.


And the only thing they kept on saying is that, WAIT AND SEE. Wait? Huhh.. Wait. Truth is, I'm dying of waiting and believing. As a matter of fact, I'm not really a very patient person and this all is challenging my patience. I could a get heart attack with this all.LOL. But yet, I can't stop smiling at the thought of it. Everything is so weird... Not to mention the stupid omens my intuition keeps on showing. Like dreams... Strong feelings on something and ugghh.. I just can't explain.

But whatever it is... I'll just believe in this, "It's not what you think it is okay. It's what it shows and that's it. Accept it Bev and again, FIX YOURSELF." It tear my heart actually but that's it. Anyway, just a thought, How can you fix if you don't know what's broken? o.O

Words Of Strength

Never regret or dwells on yesterday's

mistakes or decisions.

They are part of the learning curve

that is called life. The greatest gift you can give yourself

is to start each day anew taking what

you have learned from yesterday, putting it

to good use today, and bettering yourself

and your life with it tomorrow.

What is the benefit of being in convent school

Good day earthlings! Today, I would like to bring the topic of "What is the benefit of being in Convent school".


As far as I'm concerned, about 70% student's don't want to be in convent school. Once, a friend says to me, "Oh... you're in convent school? How terrible!". When she says this, I don't know how to respond.LOL. I don't know whether to agree or to fight back. Well, before that, let me tell a bit about my school. My school's name is SMK St.Cecilia Convent. It was located in a town namely Sandakan which is in Sabah, Malaysia. My school was one of the only two convent school in this town. The other one is SMK Perempuan.

Now, let me tell what cause me to bring up this topic. Lately, me and one of my best friend, Varrelene been talking about moving school. She tells me of how she misses of being in mixed school. Yeah, me too, I miss the atmosphere should I say A LOT! I remember years back, man, I even cry when my mum decided to put  me in convent school. I feel like my world just fall apart! Until I even decided that I wanted to stop schooling! Yeah, we broke into a fight as we always do. I even remember my sobbing face going into the Principal room with my mum to sign me in.

What makes it so bad being in convent school? Well, I always heard rumors that convent school is full of lesbian. Some says the student in convent school were rude and bullies. Grr... it creeps me out! I'm so scared.. and sad! On my first day in school, I was totally in culture shock! The atmosphere were all new to me. The people... the way they behave.. and I still even remember that I can't even find the toilet! I'm scared to ask. I found the toilet on March which is the third month of me being there. It feels so weird not seeing the boys around playing and laughing teasing the girls. For months, I live my life questioning God of why the heck did He put me in there? Is this His ways of punishing me? I still remember of how hard it is for me to make friends and how difficult it is for me to accept the culture in there. But God has His own plans for me. When I discovered this, I really praise God for putting me in there.

God wants me to change my way. In here, I learn a lot about Christianity and I got a chance to serve in Church ministry. By being in here, I also manage to scrape my ego and learn to respect my friends. I still remember my Diva life when I was in elementary school where I can do whatever I like on my friends like they were some slave or what. I shout at them and tell them to do this and that. I can chose who to be my friends and who shall be isolated. I don't really know why do they listen to me. Maybe its because I'm a top student or maybe they are scared of me? I don't know. Anyway, in my high school, I cannot do that. In here, everyone treats each other like friends though they are top students or not, pretty or not, rich or not, everyone were treated in the same level. The only thing that matters is attitude. If you respect them, they will do the same for you, as simple as that.

On my second year of being in the convent school, I started to notice the benefit of it. Here are they...

1.I'm free to wear what I like!
Doesn't mean that I can wear whatever outfit I like to school. Of course we wear uniform like what normal students in Malaysia should. What I'm trying to say is, in my school, I wouldn't have to care much of how did my uniform looked like. Ironed or not, or even short! Sometimes, some students didn't even buttoned their uniform properly or some didn't even zipped their uniform! And the good thing is that, no one cares!

Me in pinafore(school uniform)

Sometimes we forgot to wear singlet to school but it never was a big matter! Of course, it is against the rules, but apart from that, we got nothing else to worry about. My pinafore is above my knees, which is considered shorts but I still wear them. I've been wearing it for almost four years now. Well, who cares? Yes, of course I'll get trouble if I get caught by the discipline teacher but well... Of course, there are male teachers exists, but there were only few of them.

If in mixed schools, the first thing that normal girls would think of before they wear anything is that, "Umm... Do I look good? Will I get teased by the boys later?" or, "Am I attractive or look beautiful in this?". Well... normal actions. In here, well yeah... whatever, as long as I'm not wearing my birthday suite, lets rock the school!




2. Less conflict
This is what I adore the most in convent school. I still remember when I was in elementary school, the 'He, She' conflict is very famous and eventually would always be the hottest topic of the day. I miss it though but you wouldn't imagine of how wonderful and peaceful life is without it. If its already like that in elementary, imagine how worst it would be in high schools. Everyday, "You know what.. he... bla.. bla.. bla.. bla.... and she... bla... bla....". Well, we did talk about this in school but it is different. We did talk about boys but usually it'll be more positive. Its hard to explain but its just different. By the way, what I noticed is that, since we know boys from outside, most of the them were different people. She talk about him and she talk about the other him. Mostly, the names we heard were very random as we heard it everyday but we usually never see the person in person. So, it is kinda hard for things like two persons liking the same person to happen. It does happen but in a very few cases.

3. We can be ourselves!
I still remember of how I controlled my self much when I was in mixed school. The way I'm talking,the way I'm behaving and the way I'm dressing, everything counts! But in here, since we got nobody to impress, well yeah! I never really have to worry about my hair, of how loud I'm laughing and so on. I wouldn't even have to worry of how the way I'm sitting! Polite or not, well.... What I notice also is that, when we were outside of the school, we looked so matured and often mistaken as an adult. But when we were in the school, well, you can see a whole bunch of kindergarten but in bigger size. LOL. We are ourselves. We never have to worry about judgement from people cause we're all the same, we are what we are.

And lastly is that we appreciate boys more...
Girls and boys is often like cats and dogs and this we know. Everyday, the boys would always pissed the girls. And whenever the girls had a chance, they would also do the same. But girls, when the boys are finally not around, you'll realize of how lonely the world is. Yes, girls friends are fun, of course maa... But the fun you'll have with the boys is different. Trust me, you'll miss their annoying joke. Of course I'm still pissed if they tease me, but yet, its something that you'll miss. So whenever we got a chance to be with boys, we are more happy than it is when see them everyday.


So convent girls... be positive! Being in convent school is not really that bad like what they said. Lesbian? Of course they're around but don't think in mixed schools they don't exist! By the way, I don't really saw lesbians in my school though..o.O Maybe its because I never paid any attention to such case. Keep in mind that, whatever happens, It was all depending on you.

Sincerely.....

"If the hero never comes to you

If you need someone you're feeling blue

If you're away from love and you're alone

If you call your friends and nobody's home

You can run away but you can't hide

Through a storm and a lonely night

Then I show there's a destiny

The best things in life

They're free...

But if you wanna cry

Cry on my shoulder

If you need someone who cares for you

If you're feeling sad your heart gets colder

I'll show you what real love can do

If your sky is grey..

Let me know...

There's a place in heaven where we'll go

If heaven is a million years away

Just call me and I make your day

When the nights are getting cold and blue

When the days are getting hard for you

I will always stay here by your side

I promise you I'll never hide..."

A weird nightmare

Last night I had a weird dream. Eh, it wasn't last night.. hehe... it was yesterday night actually. It was pretty vivid but it wasn't a lucid dream. Anyways, it started like this...


I found myself was walking on the house compound. I looked at the house, its a wooden house. It was big like a bungalow. I looked around, the compound was breathtaking. There were flowers everywhere. Roses, orchids, tulips, all in different colors. I looked at my self, I looked slightly different. I touched my hair, they also felt different. I don't know why but all I know is that I want to water the flowers.

With a slow pace, I get to the side of the house to get a hose. I turned it on, and started watering everything. Hahh... it's what I always wanna do... I feel so peaceful inside. But there's something, I feel a bit, slightly heartbroken. Its like something was not right. I looked around, all the flowers.... the mountains... the sky... the house... what could go wrong?

It was dusk. The twilight hit the house with a wonderful and very peaceful light. I walked towards the house, all I know is that, I own that house. The weird thing is, half of me felt happy with what I've accomplished. Its like what I have now is a dream coming true. But yet, half of me felt heavy as I walked. Something's missing.

I looked up before I entered the house. I saw a man in his late thirties at the balcony. He wasn't really that handsome, but he has a figure. He wasn't muscular, not fat, just normal. It was weird, when a girl like me, 15, looking at a guy at this age, the first thought would be, he must be my uncle. But this is different, I felt a deep love with this man. A romantic kind of love. Eww? Haha... to me that time, it wasn't. But when I wake up, YES! LOL. Anyway, in me, there's something. Something that's not good. Hate? No, not really. Heartbroken? I'm not sure. He looked at me, a cold look.

I get into the house, heading upstairs, to my room. When I get to the upper floor, the man I saw on the balcony walked into the house. He walked past me, I felt a really deep love for the guy, in fact, I feel like hugging him! Chill out girls, it wasn't Vin Diesel.. haha..But yet, its different, he's cold. The way he looked at me, I know he loves me too, but he too, felt cold with me. It's like we've just been into a fight. A heavy one but not physical of course. Anyway, he was heading downstairs. Kitchen probably.

I walked inside my room, it was pretty big, a master bedroom with king size bed. The room looked a lot like a first class hotel. I started for the wardrobe, took a robe and head for the shower. Inside the shower, I kept thinking, who's the guy? What had happened? And why am I even here? Suddenly, snap! I know that I was dreaming! Yeah... Its time to make some magic. But no, this time its different. I don't feel like I want to have a lucid dream. I don't want to change the guy into Vin Diesel, change the scene into a wonderful romantic waterfall or anything. I know that I was dreaming but since everything felt so real, I decided to continue the weirdness of it. Cause it felt so right, but yet so wrong. LOL. Anyway, I was determined to make things right with the guy. I felt a very deep connection with him.

I looked into the giant mirror inside my wardrobe, I was a bit shocked! Guess what? I'm old! Yaih...! But I also felt a familiarity with it. It seems like I'm already used to it. I looked like I'm in my late thirties. Anyway, I wore a sleeping robe and head downstairs. At the stairs, I saw I giant framed picture of me and someone who supposedly my husband. It was a wedding picture. I looked young, younger than what I see my self now. I looked happy in it. It seems like I was 27 something in that picture. And the guy was the guy at the balcony. Then a thought struck me! Ring! I looked at my fingers. There it is, funny I didn't notice it all this while. I took it out and look for the name who supposedly to be carved inside the ring. There's the name... Beverly love (.....). I like to keep the name private.. :)

Now I know that he was actually my husband. That explains why I felt a very deep love with him. I went quickly downstairs, hoping to see him there. I looked around the living room. Nope, he's not there. I went to the kitchen, not there either. I went out, went to the back, and there he is, sipping his wine looking over the shimmering swimming pool. I looked at his fingers, like I expected, he wore the same ring as I do. I went to him, he won't even looked at me. Ow... that's cold. I just stand there, hoping that he would say something. I need root, I'm blank, how the heck would I say something? He finally make a move. He took a glass, pour some wine in it and hand it to me. With a cold face :P

I took the wine, sat next to him, working something on my mind. I finally make a sound, the first time I hear my own voice. It sounds slightly different. I said, "Have you had your dinner?".

He said, "No."

Spontaneously I said, "Well, lets go out and have some."

He doesn't say anything. Five minutes and no response. I was pissed. I put the wine on the table and head to my room.

I wait for him in the room. I can't sleep. I was really pissed but yet I still wanted to make things right. That's it! That's my mission. To win his heart back. After like supposedly three hours of waiting and fighting with my feelings, he finally came in and lay beside me. Furious, I said in a loud voice, "Should we talk about this?"

He said, "What is it to talk about?"

Suddenly, I felt like I know what was happening. I said in an angry but cool tone, "You still love her do you?"

He said calmly, "I told you what I told you."

"Stop lying to me! You shouldn't come to me after you break up with her that day. I knew it, you was heartbroken aren't you? You just don't want to be alone! You didn't love me! You didn't! I knew it, I was no more than your best friend whom you seek for when you're down aren't I?"

Silence....

I added, "We shouldn't get married..." with a slower voice. I found myself crying. I could feel warm tears flowing from my eyes. Trust me, it does felt real. Too real to be a dream. I was really heartbroken. It really feels like a real experience even to this day.

He want's to say something. "Yes...."

Suddenly everything went black. Damn, I woke up! My phone rings. Someone was calling. It was my mum, calling to remind me to pack up cause I was going back to Sandakan that evening.

Weird... I felt like shit that I didn't get to finish my dream. But yet, I'm glad that it ended. It was a nightmare. Though I didn't get to hear what he was trying to say, but I know, it was something that could tear me into millions of pieces. Though I was really heartbroken, I don't want to lose him.


Weird+creepy+amazing isn't it? Weird because its just weird. LOL. Creepy, cause I'm old+married. Amazing? Well... not everyone got to experience this right? I mean, married? For real? Haha... It really motivated me a lot.

I do get a conclusions to this dream. I mean the meaning behind it. But, I'd rather to keep it personal :)

My Dilemma

"You make me so upset sometimes

I feel like I could lose my mind

The conversation goes nowhere

'Cause you're never gonna take me there

And I know what I know

I know you're no good for me

And I know it's not meant to be

Here's my dilemma 

When half of me wants you

And the other half wants to forget

From the moment I met you

I just can't get you out of my head

I tell myself to run from you

But I found myself attracted to you..

I could live without you

Your smile

Your eyes

I could live without you

But I don't wanna..

When we are together

We can do whatever

Be whoever we like

Spend the weekend 

And I hope you don't mind

If you stay by my side..."

My top 5 favorite remixes!

Time to get a lil deeper into knowing me..^^.. For your information I love techno and electro music a lot! So remixes is a sure thing to hear! Reasons? Well... do I really need reasons for that? Haha.. well it makes me forget all my problems and could instantly boost out my happiness!

Below are lists of my top 5 favorite remixes... Though they are not really my most 'favorite' remixes, I just drop some that cross my mind...^^

Starting with my most favorite song of course... DANZA KUDURO!!!

2nd

3rd

4th

5th

Enjoy! And I'd like to share with you all my favorite remix download site...
http://electrohouse.ucoz.com/

Looking into the mirror...

Lately, it seems like the only words that can came out of my mouth is that.."I'm tired.....". Yes... I'm tired of my self... With everything going on(deep breaths)...Hahhh.... I'm tired... Just tired...

I remember the first person that I tell my problem to.. It was 2th of January when I get back to Sandakan. Things starts hitting me one by one just as I arrived home. Since I got no one to talk to, and since I was texting to a friend, I blurted out everything that was going on. Guess how S'he responds... It broked my heart... Its like S'he doesn't even care! S'he just continued S'hi's so called interesting and nonsense  stories(S'he think) like I was saying nothing!

Its so hard when you got no one to turn to when things hit you all at once. The person you hoped would care and the person whom you hoped will soothe you when things get rough turned their back just as you're about to fall.

Now, when I looked in the mirror, I can see the girl in it saying to me "you're pathetic..". I started to hate my self. I care for these people so much.. I help them.. I'm always there when things get rough(I think) but them in return, won't even lend me a second and a pair of ears to just to listen to me! That's what I need! Someone to listen to me and someone who'll understand! I might be somebody, but its still a pity to know that I am nobody in anybody's heart.

I know... just who am I right? But did I ever counted all the pains they caused to me? No! I just kept it all in me. Everything is inside me and I got no one to share my 'pain' with. Maybe I did, but maybe I just don't trust them. Or maybe I had shared it but they just doesn't seem to care. I listen to them, I think for them.. I tried to help solving their issues... But why? Why can't just any of them... Just one... Willing to do the same for me?

But without knowing it, someone does care. Someone is watching but I never realized it. Never even thought that there are still few's(who remember) who read my blog. Thanks though.. You read it... Then you are listening...

A friend that I walked with from school today suddenly said to me, "In class before, I saw pain behind your smile.. are you okay?"(summarized). Aww.. isn't that the sweetest thing? When even my bestfriend who was sitting beside me didn't notice, someone did saw it from across the room! I asked her, "how did you know what I was thinking?"... She said, "you told me yesterday about this and that... I understand..". What a miracle! I Praise the Lord for letting me know that there are people who still care and watching me..Amen.

But yet... I'm tired... Not tired of all the homework's or activities, but tired of the battles inside me. I don't know when will it stop but the truth is... I'm tired... Just tired...


("S'he" is a code I used to hide the person's genre.)